January 11, 2019 at 4:26 pm #273917
Hi everyone, I’ve never posted on anything like this before but would be interested to get impartial opinions on my situation as I am really struggling.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years just over a week ago. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do – but at the time I thought it was the right decision. I did this because over the past few months I had been doubting the relationship for a few reasons – e.g. feeling like the spark/passion was less than before, us living in separate cities and no real plans for our future and me wanting to go traveling etc.
However – my heart is completely broken and all I keep thinking is that I made the wrong decision. He was my absolute best friend, my everything, he loved and supported me and he is the most amazing, funny, kind, generous person I’ve ever met. We used to say we were soulmates and I still believe this to be the case. My friends keep telling me I’ve done the right thing as I was ‘unhappy’ – however I wouldn’t say I was unhappy, more confused. Maybe it’s a case of not knowing what you had until it’s gone?
I’m not sure if he’d forgive me even if I did try to get him back – but I have to be 100% certain as I cannot hurt him anymore than I already have – as he did not want this break up.
Any advice/opinions/comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank youJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:04 pm #273923
Good for you for trusting yourself. Honoring your truth can be the hardest things there is.
What you shared about your breakup was not really clear for me but no matter.
It sounds like you gave it a lot of thought since you have been together for 5 years so I won’t question that decision.
I believe soul mates does not have to be romantic relationship mates.
I respect you for honoring your Truth and taking action on it. If you really don’t think that this relationship is right then so be it.
For me that the purpose for ANY relationship is to learn about yourself, to know who you are, what you value and your Family-of-Origin to understand your unconscious predilections in order to discern why you are attracted to such men at the tie you have done.
How old are you and him?
MarkJanuary 12, 2019 at 7:22 am #273963
Thanks for your reply Mark.
What would you like me to clarify for you?
The problem is I’m not sure whether the relationship was right or not.
I am 23 and he is 25.January 12, 2019 at 7:40 am #273967
Following the breakup, you see him and the relationship like this: “He was my absolute best friend, my everything, he loved and supported me and he is the most amazing..”- well, you wouldn’t have broken up with him if he was your everything.
Your friends told you following the breakup that you were unhappy during the relationship, but you say you weren’t unhappy, you were confused. What about both: unhappy and confused, after all, confusion is not a happy feeling.
I think that now you don’t see the relationship as it was, at least not as it was for some time. There is a reason you broke up with him: the two of you didn’t have plans for a future together, after five years-
Why is that?
January 12, 2019 at 8:11 am #273975
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by anita.
Hi Anita – thank you for your response.
I guess you are right – at one point I believed he was my everything but maybe not towards the end of the relationship.
And yes, I suppose confusion as well as the guilt I was feeling for having these doubts in the first place may have made me unhappy.
I have heard that commonly after a break up people tend to only see the good points of the relationship – so I think you could be right in saying I’m not seeing it how it was recently.
The reason for no future plans was mainly due to us being long distance, and neither of us being quite ready to move to the other city. I think while I was having these feelings of doubt there was a feeling inside me that I just needed to be on my own for a bit – as I had been with him since I was 18 and had not experienced single life as an adult woman. Also, as I mentioned travelling is something that is very important to me and due to his financial situation he would not have been able to join me.
I’m just really struggling to not have him in my life – regardless of how my feelings may have changed throughout the relationship he was still my best friend and I miss speaking to him every day, it really hurts.
I guess what i’m trying to figure out is – do I regret the break up or is it just pain from missing him and having to readjust my entire life?
KatieJanuary 12, 2019 at 8:28 am #273981
Your regret regarding the breakup is about the fact that you became emotionally attached to him and it always hurts when we are separated from the object of our emotional attachment. The pain from broken attachment is independent from who broke with whom.
Think of our first emotional attachment- that is to our primary care taker, the parent who is there, who feeds us and holds us. That is a strong attachment. How does a child feel when separated from her mother?
The attachment to your boyfriend, it is the same kind of attachment, it is about the feeling of safety and well-being when you are in that person’s presence/in communication with that person, and the feeling of unsafety and distressed when away.
If a mother abuses her child, the child is attached nonetheless. Similarly many people are attached to their abusive romantic partners. So the feeling of emotional attachment itself is not an indication at all that the person to whom we are attached is good for us, and that we should keep being around that person.
You didn’t indicate any abuse by your now ex boyfriend, but you indicated, after months of thinking about it, that you will be better off without him. You have a passion to travel and to live a life on your own, never had that chance before. So go travel, live on your own.
Do you have the strength to endure the pain of separation and travel/ live your life on your own for the first time?
anitaJanuary 12, 2019 at 8:34 am #273983
You have been with him for 5 years and you have been with him since 18? Plus him living far away?
I am not sure how much of a relationship you can have with someone if you are not physically seeing each other.
I have great internet/phone/text/email interactions with people but in real life is different.
It is easy to be emotionally intimate online. I don’t see why you cannot continue to be long distance friends while you live your life.
What are you doing with you life now? What do you want to do with it? You mention that you want to travel. What else?
MarkJanuary 12, 2019 at 12:22 pm #273999
If you’re only 23 and have been with him since you were a teenager, then yes, it’s time for a break, at least. You do need to be on your own for a bit anyway. There is nothing like it! You don’t want to be saddled with a lackluster long distance relationship at this point in your life.
InkyJanuary 12, 2019 at 3:51 pm #274025
Thanks for this insight. I like to believe that I have the strength to ensure this pain that I’m going through – but I hope in time it lessens because I just feel so heart broken currently.
I like to believe maybe in the future we could reunite – once we have had some space to live our own separate lives for a while.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
KatieJanuary 12, 2019 at 3:54 pm #274027
That’s what I was thinking and it was obviously those thoughts that led me to break up. I think because it hurts so much at the moment it is hard to remember why I made that decision. I really hope in time as the pain subsides it becomes more clear that I made the right choice, and I hold hope that we may reunite in the future.
Thank you for reassuring me.
KatieJanuary 13, 2019 at 6:22 am #274057
You are welcome. To endure the pain of separation, allow yourself to feel sad, scared, whatever the emotion. Don’t try to fight the emotion, but let it be. If you fight it, it will persist, if you allow it to stay, it will go away soon enough.
It is amazing how that works. So when you feel scared or sad, don’t rush in your mind to escape that feeling. In other words, don’t panic, don’t give in to the fear of experiencing the unpleasant emotion. Instead, sit with it, notice how it feels in your body, notice how sad feels, how scared feels.
Some guided meditations, theme Mindfulness, are excellent in guiding the listener to do just that, which I described a bit here.
anitaJanuary 14, 2019 at 12:21 pm #274535
Thank you for that advice – that is really helpful because I am so scared of feeling the pain but essentially breaking up with someone is a grieving process and I guess I have quite a long way to go. I just hope that in the future I’ll be able to see I made the right choice, even if it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
KatieJanuary 15, 2019 at 7:39 am #274657
You are welcome. Your decision to break up with him reads to me like a good decision. It feels painful, but this pain doesn’t indicate the decision was wrong.
As I wrote, whenever we are attached to a person, when that attachment is broken, we feel pain. Better not get confused by the pain, thinking something like: if it feels this painful, maybe it means I made the wrong choice.
Then you invite a new kind of pain, that of self doubt, confusion, etc.
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by anita.