I’ll try and keep this brief.

Last year I met a guy on an online dating app, and we became good ‘friends’ we spoke for almost 6 months before we started dating. The first date in his own words was ‘the best first date ever’ (which when I later reminded him, he cruelly laughed and said ‘well at least you have a nice memory’). We both enjoyed each other’s company, we became intimate and started ‘dating’. We spoke every day and carried on as usual. However, over time he started blowing ‘hot and cold’, and sex was mainly his topic of interest (I know, I know – I can already see the eyes rolling but stay with me) every time I would address this, he would come up with some sort of excuse. After almost a year it got to the point where I asked him what are we doing? I need to have some consistency in my life. At first he told me I was amazing yada yada but he was not in the right place (after sending this text he ghosted me for 9 days). I refused to accept this, and foolishly told him how much I cared for him and wanted to make this work, and I really didn’t understand how things could have changed for us but if I was no longer what he wanted that was fine, and wished him the best of luck.  His response was to scream and shout that he was simply using me as a distraction to move on from his last relationship, and I was nothing more than an attractive girl for him to pass time with, and that I had no right to have any feelings for him. He also made horrible remarks about the fact that we had slept together, and how he had met me online so it must equate to me having a ‘bad reputation’, in fact he used things I had told him about my life against me as reasons to not want to be with me. He did not want a relationship with me, and wanted to go our separate ways, and that he was emotionally incapable of being close to me (what kinda of bs?!) and he said he was doing this for my happiness. Prior to this conversation, I had tried to ‘end’ things several times and he always managed to make me stay (silly me, I know!). He turned from being the most sweet, affectionate man to a cold, manipulative ass**** over night. I was in shock, and understandably devastated. As much as this hurt me, I took this as my closure and tried to move forward. In fact, after that phone call he had me thinking this was all my fault and that I had imagined our whole ‘relationship’ so by end I was apologising to him! I suffered terrible panic attacks, and my physical/mental health suffered massively. A few weeks pass by, and my friend comes across him on several dating sites where he is ‘actively looking for a relationship’ (he’s messaged some of my friends!!) – this has completely destroyed me. I know I should not internalise this as ‘why was I not enough’? but I can’t help but feel disgustingly used as a bridge between his old and new relationship. I stupidly messaged him to tell him how much he has hurt me, and that he should be ashamed that a man in his 30s behaved this way following this he blocked my number and blocked me from every social media that he has. My self-esteem is destroyed, my heart is beyond broken and I have terrible trust issues. This all occurred over the last 4 months and I’m still feeling beyond distraught. My life before him was perfect, I am a Doctor with an incredibly busy, healthy lifestyle but emotionally I am destroyed. I carry on smiling and work as normal but I have a terrible ‘fear’ of men! I am seeking appropriate help from a therapist, but I was just wondering if anybody else has had this sort of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde experience? The most infuriating thing is, a part of me still ‘loves’ him – I just feel helpless! I don’t even want to sleep in my bed anymore because it reminds me of him. I feel incredibly stupid because in hindsight the red flags are glaringly obvious! I know I was the fool for allowing this to carry on for so many months and have my heart invested, but alas I can not rewind the clock and change things. How do I move on from this?

Sincerely,

A broken woman.