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Can I be out of this?

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  GL 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #320959

    Anonymous

    Hi,

    I broke up with someone very dear to me 7 months ago. I had a lot of feelings for him but honestly I was not able to show him or infact did not want to show how much he meant to me. I was hoping him to like me first so that I would be more comfortable in expressing myself. It was okay all these months but now I just keep on thinking about the same thing over and over again. I think it is my mistake and I wish I was more confident and open to him about me and my thoughts. I have always been a little guarded and my approach was no different with him. On contrary, he was different from me – extrovert, confident and direct. This is something which I felt attracted to because he was everything I wanted to become. At the same time I worried that my qualities are boring and won’t impress him. In case you are wondering how we even became a couple, I was exposed to him by my family and everything seemed too perfect if we connected well.

    Having said my drawbacks, I also wanted to add that he did not make it easy for me. He said he wont judge but he did, i could feel it and these things went straight to my heart. I am strong usually but I have a sensitive side as well. His comments meant a lot and the words he used for me ‘spoiled kid’, ‘not even pretty’ and many more that shook me. He never wished me on my birthday for 3 years and my best friends did not call me at 12 thinking I might be in a conversation with him. I still pretended that he called. He never kissed me but was okay going down. No one in my life ever treated me like that and still I wanted to carry on and see if things can go correct. Honestly, I think i took this as a challenge on personal level because I could not believe how anyone could behave like that with me. There were few kind things he did as well but they were not too special – it is something you would do regularly to a friend or someone you know enough.

    It sounds stupid but I miss him, I still feel like explaining myself or maybe for him to tell me why he did what he did. I just feel unsatisfied for some reason. I feel like talking, I know this is not a permanent solution but I think it will bring me temporary relief. After this incident, I do not even feel like dating or talking to any guy – I was too serious about him. I cannot love someone. I live away from home in a different country and really do not have anyone close or good friends over here. At the same time I have a feeling that he is getting married this December. I do not know what will bring me peace.

    #321073

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    I’m glad you broke up with him. He was not worthy of you! Reading your list, I would break up with him based on “not even pretty” alone! There are so many little things that just add up to him not making sense.

    You are looking for confirmation that he was wrong. He can’t or won’t ever give that to you, probably.

    Well, I, Inky, on behalf of all women (and men! Ha!) everywhere, now give you confirmation: He was Wrong. You were Right to break up with him.

    He’s getting married? Pray for the poor woman.

    Best,

    Inky

    #321095

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    “I have always been a little guarded”- in regard to him, you should have been guarded because he said things aimed at making you feel bad, to tear you down. Better be guarded with people who do that. Better not make yourself available to be torn down.

    “he was different from me- extrovert, confident and direct.. he was everything I wanted to become”- reads to me that his confidence was based on tearing you down,  making you feel less-than, “not even pretty”. He would not be an extrovert, confident and direct with a woman who thinks highly of herself, I figure. I hope you don’t want to become that- feeling confident at the expense of someone else!

    anita

    #321355

    GL
    Participant

    Dear Lily,

    You seem to be going through two things right now. First, is that you don’t feel that you have closure when you broke up with your ex. Second, you are lonely in a new city with no friends to have a good emotional and supportive relationship.

    First, the break up. So you broke up with your ex for your own reasons and that’s fine. Not all relationships are meant to last. People come and go in your life and hopefully you can learn something from that experience, wish them well and move on. But you seem to be reeling from your decision, questioning the validating of it. Why is that? You didn’t feel safe with him emotionally if you didn’t feel you couldn’t put down your guard with him. And it seems that you didn’t feel it was easy to tell him your wants and needs, if you even expressed your needs at all. And then there’s your feelings of unease regarding his conduct towards you, which didn’t sound all that pleasant. You’ve already decided that his regards toward you was unpleasant so it was better to call it off.

    Certainly, you could contact him again and ask him your questions. But whether he give you any answers or an answer that makes sense to YOU and not him, you can’t predict. Rather, you are fixated on this limbo of uncertainty and you seems to see the only way out of it is to contact your ex again. Of course, his actions toward you were rude and you feel it’s an injustice on his part for choosing to treat you this way. So maybe you want justice in some way of him explaining his rude behavior toward you. Yet what if he doesn’t? What if he merely brush it aside his attitude as something that he is and since you couldn’t take it, isn’t it a good thing that you broke up? Or he might even call you weak, not being able to take such comments. So in the end, would you even be satisfied by contacting him? So is the problem really about why he acted the way he acted or the way you are reacting to his actions, by questioning what YOU did to warrant such actions? Because it seems you are looking for an answer for why someone would treat you like that to see if you have flaws to correct before someone else can judge you for it. So it is about your ex or about you?

    But you can’t use the behavior of your ex and project that onto other men. There are men who are respectful and kind. But remember, you yourself have to demand that respect when people are acting disrespectful. You can’t expect everyone to act decent just because you know some decent people. There will be jerks and there will be decent people. So if you meet a jerk, walk away. Meet a decent people, get to know them. But you have to learn to stand your ground and say enough.

    The second issue of your loneliness should not be a reason to contact an ex to understand why he treated you that way. The loneliness should be a reason to get out and connect with others in an superficial level to decide whether you can be good friends or not. Yet you are hesitant to do so due to the fear of being judged. But you are judging others for judging you so it becomes a conundrum. You want a relationship where both people who are respectful of each other, but you fear that you will meet someone of the opposite so is hesitant to try. Then what will you do? You can’t find any emotional connection unless you get out there, but you are letting your fear hold you back. So what’s the third option?

     

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