Sounds to me like the guy has issues with the idea of love and relationship in general.
For whatever reasons he’s not ready or willing to to work on a relationship. This is about him not you, and better you know now before spending anymore time on it. You can’t fix him. If you did get back together, my bet is that it will become one of those on again, off again, on again, off again…. relationships.

Hi Gracie

My opinion, for what its worth and having been that guy, would be to say that I don’t think its worth trying to reach out or playing the friend game when you know you want more.

There is some truth to the saying “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”. Leave the ball stay in this guys hands. He made the choice to end the relationship which I think you should honor. If you attempt to re-engage there will be the possibly he will dig in or use the experience (probably unconsciously) to keep you off balance and or create a co-dependent relationship.

There is the possibility that the two of you are attracted to each other in the hopes of healing each other. However, that requires a great deal of self knowledge from both sides, as well as a agreement to do the work.

If he does reach out to you be careful that you understand your boundaries and keep them, or you will find yourself in the same situation again and again

I recommend the book ‘How to be an Adult in Relationships’ if you want to challenge your ideas about your expectations of relationship.

When you are dating — unsuccessfully — it can feel like you’re repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Humans are creatures of habit, and out of a subconscious desire to re-live and correct the issues from our past, we may seek out the same sort of partners and find ourselves in a destructive cycle.

Some people may do this because they have an unhealthy attachment style, which is the way they form bonds and connect to others.

One style is called “avoidant attachment,” according to psychotherapist Allison Abrams, our experiences in childhood shape our style of attachment, which then becomes the template for how we behave in future relationships.

“Insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant attachment, usually stem from some sort of early trauma,” she said. “When our needs aren’t met consistently by our primary caregivers, we form the belief that they won’t be met by any significant other, [and] that we can’t ever rely on others.”

Essentially, it is a defense mechanism, and people with avoidant attachment style may completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They may sabotage their blossoming romances out of nowhere, because they are scared their new partner will leave them — so they get in there first.

“This is an unconscious attempt to make sure that they never again go through anything like they went through with their original caregiver,” Abrams said. “The irony is that by engaging in these defenses that we’ve learned we are actually recreating the very thing we were trying to avoid.”

Avoidant people find faults in anyone

Rather than letting a relationship grow naturally, an avoidant person tends to dwell on areas they are unsatisfied with. While people with healthy attachment styles are able to compromise with their partners and focus on the positives, avoidant people cannot. They zero in on minor flaws and imagine how they were happier being single, or how they might be better off finding someone else.

And they don’t just harm themselves. They often attract people with an anxious attachment style, who give up all their own needs to please and accommodate their partner.Anxiously attached people become incredibly unhappy and worried about being too much or too little for the person they are dating, and take everything incredibly personally.

Dear Gracie:

I agree with the lack of optimism expressed regarding a future relationship with him, which is a shame because, reads to me that he is an honest person, from the little shared: he didn’t tell you that he loved you when he didn’t feel it and he soon broke up with you after you told him you loved him, doing the right thing by him and by you.

I agree with his dislike and rejection of arguing and bickering and for not accepting it as a normal part of a relationship.

You asked me, “What do you think would be the best way to talk with him after NC?”

My answer will depend on your response to this: he told you repeatedly that he dislikes the arguing and bickering you had with him. If you contacted him what will you communicate to him regarding this issue?

anita

Dear Gracie:

I am trying to understand: is what you want to offer him is to resume a relationship with you and patiently tolerate you initiating arguments, making a “big deal out of nothing”,  until such a time that you resolve your issues?

anita

Dear Gracie:

It is possible to have a relationship with no arguing at all, for any reason, no fighting and no aggression. When you feel that you were offended in a relationship, but not sure that you were, you bring up the issue and ask him what caused him to say this or that, what was his motivation. You ask in a peaceful way, he answers in a peaceful way and you take it from there.

Notice I wrote if you are not sure that you were offended. If the person hits you, then you do know for sure. Also if he calls you derogatory names, it is clear that he wants to offend you. But often people imagine a person said this and that so to insult them and then proceed with an argument and a fight. Often the person was not offensive, the person inserted their own pre-existing thoughts into what was said, and assumed wrong.

So better ask, peacefully. When you feel angry, assuming a person tried to offend you, relax best you can and then calmly ask.

What do you think about what I wrote here? (We can return to the topic of your thread a bit later)

anita

Dear Gracie:

If you communicate with him what you learned, what you shared here in your most recent post, and add to it an example of an argument that did happen, how you specifically would have brought that issue to him peacefully and kept the communication peaceful, then add that you want to bring up any and all issues this way, no arguing, no fighting at all, maybe he will respond to you.

But stay with this idea for a while first, before communicating with him and practice it with other people: bringing up issues peacefully and not arguing. (If a person starts arguing with you, end the conversation after saying something like: when you want to discuss this peacefully, after you calm down, let me know.

anita