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Can't cope anymore :-(

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  • #65433
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi all of your Tiny Buddha’s full of wisdom! The last two years or so have been horrendous for me from a health point of view. I have had some serious health problems going on, including cancer, and some long term chronic conditions. This has resulted in fourteen operations and procedures during this time, including some lengthy complications. I have tried to keep going throughout all of this, and working when possible once the doctors have allowed me to, but have felt incredibly anxious for some months after receiving the diagnosis and gradually this has developed into depression, despite my doing everything I possibly can to keep the flag flying, so to speak!!! I have exercised, eaten healthily, followed the Drs advice, continued to do everything as usual even though not feeling like doing any of it. I have kept going for treatments and appts at the hospitals, despite lots of conflicting advice and emotional upsets along the way. Now I really cannot see my way forward to look forward to anything at all. I constantly feel as though I am letting everyone down, and this is all I have worried about when being off sick from work. I feel as though I have let my family down too, as this is not the life they need either. I am constantly going over things that have been said and done throughout this horrible period, as some of the Drs have disagreed with one another and this has also left me feeling out on a limb, unsupported, and a waste of space into the bargain. I don’t say too much to my extended family as I don’t want to worry them, and at work I am limited as to what I can say as am fearful of not being considered as being up to the job, even though I previously never had time off. I feel on the bottom rung of the ladder physically and mentally, and can’t cope anymore. I too have had suicidal thoughts which won’t go away, despite having been on four or five different medications over this period of time. We have also sold our house now, which was something we always wanted to do, but my heart is not in it at all, and I even feel guilty about this, as we have looked at other places and nothing seems right, but I think even if I was in the best place in the whole world I wouldn’t feel any better? I have read self help books, not that I can concentrate on them, have done an on line course about depression too which didn’t really seem to relate to my situation at all. I have also been for counselling, but have even felt like a burden to them too (my opinion, not anything said to me). I can’t cope anymore and the facade that I put on for work, friends, family, is slipping and cracks are seriously appearing, and I don’t want all of my problems to be public knowledge even though here I am writing some of them down on this blog…..this is how desperate I feel. I would be grateful if anyone has any ideas that are useful for relaxing when you can’t relax, or mood lifting ideas? I have read Mindfulness for Health, or at least am more than half way through. I am running out of ideas as to how to help myself, and am really struggling to cope with chronic fatigue and chronic pain on top of all else. I have pushed myself to try to talk a little more openly with some of my friends and family, and even more so with the Drs and counsellors but I find it difficult to explain my desperation and feel that people don’t really realise exactly how bad I am feeling??? So now it makes me feel like giving up, but I know I will still go to work tomorrow however ill I feel, and still do things for friends and family however ill I feel, and still exercise however ill I feel, because the alternative is to give up and that is a very scary place to be because then I would have to admit defeat :-(. I have also tried going for relaxing aromatherapy massages and reflexology, but even things like this don’t seem to touch the sides, if you see what I mean? Friends and family seem to think that going out somewhere or similar will be enough to do the trick but unfortunately deep down inside it just makes me feel worse as I am not up to it and I feel detached from what is going on, and disappointed not to be able to feel the happiness I should be able to feel. The worse thing now that I have hit rock bottom, is that I have also convinced myself that I would be an awful person if I committed suicide as this would be so harmful to my family and friends, so I feel there is no way out. I have thought of running away instead but have nowhere to run to and would feel just as bad wherever I am? I can’t take holidays from work either, and definitely don’t want to go off sick again, after all that has happened. I think they must all be sick of me at work anyway!
    Thank you for listening to my waffle………best wishes to you all out there, may the stars and angels hover over you all’ xx

    #65444
    Kevin venkatesh
    Participant

    Hi sarah jane,

    First off, i am very sorry to hear about your problems. I wish i could magically heal you but the truth is its gonna take time. Now, i havent been in your place. What i have been suffering from for a while is severe anxiety. With it comes disturbing thoughts, depression, feeling detached, chronic fatigue and aches. Stress can cause major symptoms as louise said, such as fatigue, pain, anxiety, and other symptoms. Im always tired and get aches everywhere. My mind is constantly churning out new thoughts about rubbish. Its very surprising how close our thoughts correlate to how we feel. Ive learnt that just by changing my attitude, my mood shifts. If i think, “im going to be like this for the rest of my life”, which i did at one point, then chances are i probably will be if i keep thinking like that. But as soon as i thought “i feel terrible now, but i will accept that this is me until i get better”.
    There is a man named paul david who helped me tremendously. He suffered from anxiety/depression for 10 years until he learned how to get rid of it. The key is acceptance. Realizing that all your thoughts an feelings and just that and NOT REAL. It takes time for that to sink in but its true. Its upto YOU to make your life enjoyable. Life doesnt care about how you feel. You gotta just let everything come at you while moving forward. Another thing that helps is to take some time out of your day and write down or just think about what IS good in your life and what you should be thankful for. If you have family and friends who love you, be thankful. Those are the people you live for and they live for you.

    Now i know im not a doctor or therapist or anything, but im learning new things everyday just from experience. Now i havent experienced what you have to that extent to be honest but i believe that the advice i have taken should be taken by everyone. Be greatful, accept, dont take your thoughts/feelings too seriously, accept yourself for now. Also, dont try to put on a mask. Hiding this is trying to control. I was afraid to let everything in because i thought i would lose control over myself and that id fall into a hole. Well thats when everything turned around. Let it in but you have to change your mindset. You can do it i know you can. Im rambling because theres so much i can say but dont give up. Dont ever give up. In the end theres always something worth living for. If youre going through hell keep going. In the end youll be strong.

    Kevin
    Ps. Check out anxietynomore.co.uk (paul davids site) it will help i promise.

    #65465
    Inky
    Participant

    This is going to sound counter-intuitive to any advice anyone’s given you. Honor your depression. That means it’s OK to do nothing. You need a break: from the illness itself, from your “shoulds”, from your “have tos”, from your job, from your family, from society. That might mean doing absolutely nothing for two years worth of Sundays (on Sunday) or signing yourself into a retreat center where you can be in bed all day.

    Honor your illness. Girl, I may have literally died in your place, and I consider myself to be on the high end of the Endurance category!

    And Goddessdamn it, your extended and immediate family SHOULD cater to you! Who in your life told you you were on the low end of the totem pole, that you’re not worthy of a mental or medical doctor’s time?? Read Brene Brown’s books, they will really resonate with you.

    It’s time to get Entitled. You are a Princess, a Daughter of The King in Heaven.

    #65473
    Matt
    Participant

    Sarah Jane,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with the feeling of isolation that sickness can produce. We must be strong! says our mind, “Never surrender!” And yet, we feel crappy, and the world goes on around us, like we harbor a dark secret that makes everything else tasteless. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Sis, some cancers are in the body, and some are in the mind. The heart of the mind entanglement, seems to me, to be the way you feel ashamed of your sickness. Feeling bad you need help, need comfort and loving attention. Feeling like you “shouldn’t be” what you are, “shouldn’t be in need”, “shouldn’t be a burden”, “shouldn’t make others worry”,”shouldn’t be depressed”. On and on, these false, garbage-y thoughts punch and punch at you, keeping that wall up, that distance between yourself and others.

    Surrendering to the help of others, including divine light, isn’t about giving up, throwing in the towel. You can’t do it alone, no one can. Not “you’re not strong enough to do it alone”, but rather “you can’t be disconnected from the the web of love and light around you”. Said differently, you’re never alone, dear sister, and its OK to let go, open up, and surrender to the caring attention of those that love you, and especially to your own tender self care. This isn’t weakness, isn’t a burden. Getting rest when we are tired isn’t running away, its wisely doing what feels best, what feels right.

    To me, the sickness and difficulties of our bodies and loved ones brings with it the gift of love and connection, as our hearts are inspired to help and attend. Like a thorn carried by the sick that helps bring everyone’s hearts around us “online”. Its OK to need to be the little spoon, in other words, because it gives a chance for others to mature their “big spoon-iness”, their ability to flow with their own heartlight’s tender grace. When we relax, accept where we really are (As Inky kindly trumpeted) and reach out for help beyond ourselves, we can find our own tenderness and heartlight rekindle, and our energy starts flowing again.

    Finally, even when you’re not in the same emotional place as another, you can choose to join them, see what they see. Like out to dinner with a loved one, perhaps you’re feeling crappy and they are smiling. Don’t try to smile so you stop your crappy feeling from disrupting their happiness. Rather, try to breathe, set down the crappy feeling for a moment, and try to see why they are smiling. What is it about what they’re seeing that brings them happiness? Sometimes even a small spark, in such moments, can grow into a lasting happiness.

    Namaste, sister, may generous white light find its way to your open heart.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #65642
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Louise,
    thank you very much for the advice, I will try it out once possible :-). I know it sounds crazy but I need to get myself in the right frame of mind even to try this, and to feel well enough to try it, but maybe that is the wrong way around???

    Many thanks, hope you are well and happy.
    Sarah-Jane

    #65645
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Matt,
    many thanks for all of your very wise advice, it really did make me think when you said about being ashamed of sickness, I think you hit the nail on the head there. I was brought up to think that you never have a day off sick however ill you are, and this is how I used to operate, prior to all of the health difficulties over the last couple of years or so I had been into work with a broken wrist and torn ligament in my leg, another time with chest pains, another time with laryngitis ……etc. One time I even ended up in the hospital with chest pains over the weekend and then went into work on Monday morning and didn’t tell a soul, not even my manager! It also hit home with me when you mentioned punches to self, I feel quite guilty now thinking that I would carry on regardless of any messages my body was sending me about not being able to cope. I think part of the reason was as I suffer with chronic fatigue and chronic pain anyway (and have done for years) I had to have the attitude of carry on, rather than sit in a corner and give up. It was no good having a few days or a week off work to recuperate as I would still be the same when I went back, so I just kept on keeping on, but maybe in the long term this has not helped? I didn’t want to be seen as someone who just gives up, and didn’t want to be on any kind of benefits as in our country people are severely looked down on for this. Somehow people who have disabilities have been merged into the same category as scroungers and instead of sorting the rough from the chaff everyone is being punished. There are some who have no reason not to work at all, who get benefits, and then there are others who are really unwell or disabled in some way who don’t!!!

    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, and for the ideas you have helped me to see. I am still struggling hugely, but have written down some of the key points from your response, and some notes from others and am trying my best to summon a little more strength to carry on, from these.

    Best wishes and kind regards to you, and many thanks again 🙂
    Sarah-Jane

    #65646
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Kevin,
    many thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your suffering with the anxiety, but am very pleased to hear that you have found some help through the website you told me about, and that this is helping you to cope. Thank you for pointing out about being grateful. I do keep a gratitude diary, which I admit I don’t do everyday, but now and then when I feel up to it, even if it has been a day when I have been ill again I try to think of at least three things to be grateful for, and usually it is the small things that are the best, like talking to a friend, or having a nice lunch or something. Yes I am extremely grateful for my friends and family that I have, but unfortunately depression/anxiety is an illness and doesn’t discriminate between those who have family and friends and those who don’t. You made a strong point about the mask, I know I do that a lot, and never thought of it as trying to control, but thought I was trying to protect my friends and family from hearing about bad news and problems all of the time, as it has been a long period of it. If every time someone asked me how I am I came out with a long list of problems I am sure they would soon get fed up with me?! So I usually try to change the subject, or quickly ask them something about their own lives, to try to cope with it. I don’t know how other people manage this kind of thing? Anyway best wishes to you and I hope that you continue to draw strength and help from what is working for you, and in the meantime I will check out the website that you told me about 🙂
    Kind Regards
    Sarah-Jane

    #65647
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Inky,
    thank you so much for your feisty reply – hee hee! Yes I am aware that I do put myself at the ‘bottom of the totem pole’ but I don’t know why? I think it may have been my religious up bringing that taught me to treat others in the way I would like to be treated, but I never learnt anything about needing to care for myself at all. I will try doing some reading by the author you suggested. Thanks for your comment about that you would have died literally, and about your pain endurance, it did make me feel a bit less guilty. It has been good to know that there are some lovely people out there willing to help another person who they don’t even know :-). Thank you for making the time and effort to reply, it was very kind of you.
    Sending you lots of smiles and thanks
    Sarah-Jane

    #65654
    Inky
    Participant

    Remember the Commandment “Love thy neighbor as thyself?” Well, there’s an assumption in there, made by God, that you already love yourself. In fact, you can’t properly love others unless and until you love yourself.

    So take care of yourself! 🙂

    #65655
    louise
    Participant

    Hi sarah jane.
    let me know how the meditation went.
    it has helped thousands, even soldiers that come back with pstd.
    HE has been helping people for over 60 years.

    he also has a radio program, he can talk to you and has a way of helping you to understand the initial causes of your illnesses. The number to call is 1800 877 3227.9-11pm mon through friday.
    You will be able to turn your life around once you understand where it all started.
    I wish you a speedy recovery.
    IT all starts with self understanding. Ps. It is free
    louise

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by louise. Reason: added
    #65662
    Joe
    Participant

    Hi Sarah, first of all, I want to thank you for sharing with us. You are a strong woman and also very positive despite the problems that you have. I am really inspired with your story. I have been suffering depression for the last two years and I have been struggling a lot because of it. Just like you, I am still not giving up because if I give up now then all of the fights that I had done would be for nothing, right? My advice is for you is to keep believing that everything will eventually be fine, stay positive and don’t forget that you are not alone. I hope the very best for you Sarah.

    #65665
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Inky,
    thank you, I will try to think of that! I would argue the point that I really do love my friends and family, and would do anything to help them and care for them, as I would for anyone, where possible. I always thought it was a selfish thing to think of yourself, or do things for yourself, and I am only just beginning to realize after all of this that if I don’t look after myself more I won’t be able to help others in the way I always have? I am definitely working on taking care of myself now, but am not very good at it, it doesn’t come naturally at all!!! I have always taken care of myself with health appts etc, but never thought about taking care of myself emotionally, so it was more the practical side of things I suppose you would say.

    Thanks again for your support and advice
    Sarah-Jane

    #65666
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Joe,
    thank you for your reply. Oh no poor you, I am so sorry to hear that you have been suffering with depression, but it is great that you are battling on!!! I really hope that things will get easier for you, and that the depression will be a thing of the past, very soon! Thanks for your advice, I have been trying to just think of one day at a time, but even that is such a struggle at the moment, sometimes I am just thinking of one appt at a time (I often have three and a treatment in one day, and then still some others on other days, the travelling and waiting and wondering, let alone the emotional side of it all can be very exhausting in itself). I do make an effort to keep putting myself in check to try to stay positive, and am certainly not sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself, as am very aware that there are many people out there going through much much worse. I think it is hard to separate the physical and the mental strain at times, and I am sure that the more physically low I am the worse I feel mentally, and sometimes vice versa??? I could get a medal for trying, but not for achieving! You take good care of yourself won’t you, and bless you for thinking of someone else, despite your own pain.
    Best regards
    Sarah-Jane

    #65669
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Louise,
    I haven’t tried this meditation yet, as have been ill yet again, but will let you know once I do. Thank you for the details of the radio programme and the advice line, which country is it in, as I was thinking about the time differences!!!? It is interesting that you mentioned about PTSD in the soldiers, as I was reading that some people who have had a diagnosis of cancer, or other serious illness, can suffer from this. It rang alarm bells with me, as I keep going over and over things in my mind and it is just as though it all happened yesterday. I don’t know if it is because so much happened to me all at once (14 operations and procedures in the last two years or so, including a diagnosis of cancer and other long term chronic health conditions). I hardly had time to come up for air, if you can see what I mean, let alone come to terms with any diagnoses. Thanks again for your advice and support. I hope you are well, and happy.
    Best Wishes
    Sarah-Jane

    #65707
    louise
    Participant

    Hi Sarah
    Here is what I found.
    Louise

    Atlanta, Georgia WCFO 1160, Tues-Sat: 1-4am
    Portland, Oregon KXL-FM 101.1, Mon-Fri: 12-3am
    Pittsburg, Pennsylvania WMNY 1360, Tues-Sat: 1-6am
    Buffalo/Niagra Falls, New York WWKB 1520, Tues-Sat: 1-5am
    Honolulu, Hawaii KIKI 990, Tues-Sat: 10pm-1am
    Albuquerque, New Mexico KARS 860, Sat: 12-4am, 4-7am
    Bakersfield, California KERN 1100, Sat-Sun: 12-3am
    Greenville, South Carolina WNBU 94.1 Tues-Sat 1-6am
    Stockton, California KWSX 1280, Sat: 4-7pm
    Mobile, Alabama WHEP 1310, Mon-Fri: 11pm-2am, Sat: 3-6am
    Mobile, Alabama WHEP 92.5, Mon-Fri: 11pm-2am, Sat: 3-6am
    Lexington,KY/Fayetteville,NC WLRT

    9-11 in California mon-fri Try that first.
    Best to you.
    Louise

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by louise. Reason: typo
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