Hello,

Stay strong, you are not alone… And everyone makes mistakes at some point in the life, one way or another, wrong choices. I don’t know many facts about this man, but having an affair with you, than being cocky how happy he is with his wife tells enough for him. What an awful person! And even if he is ‘happy’… Just give this ‘happiness’ some time. He will take his ‘break’ from his lovely wife again, trust me. This kind of people barely change and I can only feel sorry for his spouse. One thing I know about marriages and relationships is: you never know what happens behind the closed doors. He can say anything at work, it doesn’t mean it’s all true. He does not deserve your tears and suffering.
But it’s normal and understandable why you feel the way you feel, everyone in your shoes would feel great anger, toward him, toward yourself… It’s your ego maybe that is mostly hurt right now, and egos can give us lots of troubles during our lifetime. If it feels better, yell at him, talk about how awful he is with you best friend over a drink. One day very soon you’ll be done with your bad feelings, but he’ll be stuck with his behavior that could cost him divorce, for a lifetime.
Just give this some time, few weeks.. you’ll see this is nothing worth ‘dying’ for, I promise!

seriously, you have given this man (one who has faults, poor judgment, & makes mistakes- like everyone else!) an incredible amount of power. you have spiraled down by paying too much attention to someone else & not giving yourself respect. i’m sure you have accomplishments in your life to be proud of, i’m sure you have friends, family, pets, etc. that respect you & have love for you.
why was this man more important than them? why decline because you lost his affection?
understand you were involved with a man who was already committed to someone else. why would you want someone who lives dishonestly?!!
you are worth more than his control. hold your head up!!! forgive yourself for the mistake you made of having an affair- how do you think his wife would feel? how would you feel if you were her??
do not attempt to be his friend or forgive him too soon.
repair your damage & do some soul searching- why are you attracted to unavailable partners?
where is your self-love/self-care/ self-respect?
why would anyone want to be involved with someone who has no self-respect (him/you?)?

get out & be with people who sincerely care for you (not someone acting out fantasies), find a meditation group, go to yoga classes, center yourself- obviously you have lost your way (temporarily- and we’ve all been there!). figure out what type of partner you want (AND BELIEVE YOU DESERVE) by journaling.

THOUGHTS ARE THINGS– MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY.

if you believe you deserve to be treated badly, the universe will provide the bad…..and the opposite rings truth as well.

I know you are strong, and I know you are a fighter, you reached out here after all. Seven months is also not ‘too long’ to get over traumatic experience. And yes, we are just people with good intentions here, that can wish you all the best, send you our best thoughts and intentions.. and our energy will reach out to you I am sure. But as anita said, if you are feeling really distressed, please reach out for help once more, as you did here, to a professional who can really help much better and faster. I have a friend you ended 8 year long relationship, lost her apartment and job, left the country penniless, and worst thing-she is introvert …but decides to talk to a good psychologist. And she is doing great now!

You are unique human being and you deserve all the love and respect in this world, and I am sure you are loved and respected by many people. Don’t let your hurt ego and and one undeserving man blur your vision, make you forget this for a while… There will be good days ahead, you know it deep in your heart. This is just a dark cloud that will pass..

Take care of yourself, let us know how things are going, and don’t hesitate again to give yourself the best chance to get through this with professional help. A lot of the people here have overcame such big obstacles, and became twice wiser and stronger after that.

Hi Plainsong,

For me personally, the most distressing part about your experience and current existence has nothing to do with anyone else.

Him, wife, work, colleagues, the affair…. simply do not matter in this context.

You matter! Where are you in all of this?

He may be the loveliest guy on the planet, and extremely happy, and you are free to love him to the fullest depths of your heart, and continue to do so until your extremely old and need help getting out of your rocking chair. You are free to dream a dream that fills you with joy, and free to choose to allow details of the story slip by unnoticed. No one can stop you…. these are your prerogatives….

Still I ask…. What about you? To love someone fully, you must love yourself first! If he was to leave his wife for you, right now, could you love him back? You are not loving yourself, but putting him higher than you. Love is equal!

Still your mind

love and respect yourself to do so

breathe in and out slowly for a few minutes

Get in touch with your heart

Seek your truth unhindered by thoughts….

Message back

I sense your thoughts and fears are covering your hearts communication. How can you ever find your centre within yourself whilst being whipped around by your thoughts and emotions.

Hi Plainsong,

Self worth is from the self, not from him over there……

Perhaps a logical chat would be beneficial…….

From re-reading your posts, I can see the following:

1) You were friends before this – you had self worth not defined by him. You didn’t really notice him much, but he was not unattractive to you.

2) He revealed one night he had feelings for you. Obviously, you are good enough for his attention and affection.

3) There was intimacy between you, suggesting to me you mattered before this, and during this….

4) The affair ended…..

5) Logic would suggest, that this experience has highlighted that you do in fact matter and have self worth. If this man was so drawn to you, and not the other thousands of other women out there… and then chose to spend time and intimacy with you.

So logically, you do matter, you have self worth, and only the direction of his attention has re-shifted.

What does this mean for you? Read point number one. You are not defined by him, nor is your self value. It never was, so your thinking in not logical.

Find that place within, and start there. Perhaps re-read some of the advice already posted with a refreshed insight into your thinking. See if you can catch your mind tricking you into something illogical.

Best

Evan

Plainsong, I didn’t have time to read everyone’s responses to your dilemma, but I did read all of your posts. I will read more of what others have said when I get some time, but for now I just want to respond to all of what you said and simply say:

I do understand that you are in pain and are very down on yourself and are directing a lot of your focus towards that man and how happy he is, but he just doesn’t matter.

What matters is you. I hope that you will seek out any kind of therapist, support group, or anything to help you with your pain.

Please know that just because he is supposedly so very happy with his wife, it doesn’t mean that you are worthless, are less, or anything. The right person for you is the right person for you. Like my husband says when I’m apologizing for my many flaws (not being perfect enough) – he says “you are perfect for me.” He has put up with me for 30 years, and trust me, that isn’t easy. But he loves me for the person that I am, for all of the good things he sees in me. That is what you can find someday, when you feel and see the good inside yourself.

Your ex might not be as happy as he says, anyway. Many people who feel the need to constantly show how happy and perfect things are are just full of it. They can be compensating for their own insecurities and fear and trying to hide the fact that things just aren’t so great. And even if he is truly happy, it just doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. You matter.

I know your pain is intense right now, but just try to hang on. Figure out things – big or small – that make you happy, and do them. Keep talking it out, get help if you want to, exercise, meditate, all of those good things. In time, it will get better.

If you get seriously bad and wanting to harm yourself, definitely seek immediate help. Don’t waste your whole life because of this man. One day, you will look back and say, “What was I thinking, giving him so much power? He soooo wasn’t worth it!”