How are you, Arctic07?

Dear YOR:

You are welcome!

I just re-read your first post and I was wondering in regard to what you shared here: “I was always told that I get angry and I am short tempered… Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together“- do you mean that during the relationship with him, you were repeatedly angry and short tempered with him (although you loved him).. maybe raising your voice at him, shaming him with words, perhaps?

I ask, not because I have reason to believe so (you appear kind and empathetic in your writing), but just so to address this possibility for a better understanding on my part. I hope that you are okay with me addressing this possibility.

Back to your 2nd post: “He did not like my friends so I had to create distance between my friends… He has a lot of friends“- I wonder, what did he dislike about your friends, and what kinds of friends does he have, what’s the nature of their friendships (if you know)?

“It is difficult to imagine life without him because he is all that I had… I have not slept properly since the day we separated… I feel like saving our relationship in some way. I clearly know that he is not interested in me, and still, I think about him and us. I know this is extremely insane and stupid on my part“- it’s not stupid on your part, there is a saying: the heart wants what the heart wants, and there is no reasoning when it comes to a deep, intense longing for another person.

Please aim at resuming your pre-breakup sleep quality, there are practices that can help, such as listening to calming guided meditations at bedtime. Sleeping better will help your state of mind and heart.

“Also, he recently texted my mother to let me know that I shall quickly remove my stuff from his apartment… I am having a tough time to collect it… I am wondering if I shall contact him once regarding my things at his apartment, but I am scared that it will affect me mentally and emotionally a lot.“- what about him mailing the stuff to you, or dropping it at your place when you are at work, so that there is no personal contact?

anita

Dear YOR:

You are welcome, I am well, thank you. I am glad that you feel safe here!

“About my stuff, I am in a different country in Europe… I am trying to arrange someone to collect my stuff from his apartment, I hope it works out“- your mental health is way more important than stuff. I hope that you do get your stuff back without negative consequences to you.

His expectation or demand that you pray 1- 3 hours every day.. to a god or entity that you don’t believe in is absurd!

“Later, he just became too cold, and oddly rigid over things he knows I cannot do. Like leaving my job, or letting him decide alone what and where I shall work… I tried to adjust as much as I can, but he would still show me angry eyes, you know.. the way someone looks in the eyes.. that gives an uncomfortable feeling“- controlling, angry and absurd!

“The last time we spoke. I was begging him to save our relationship by being a little open minded and he said he cannot promise future but can casually continue dating me. This was too disrespectful to me“- controlling, angry, absurd and disrespectful.

In your first post, you wrote about your ex-boyfriend: “he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways. We moved in the same home, we were working in Europe at that time”– maybe, once in Europe, away from his family, local friends, etc., he took a break from his country/ his family and from his usual self, from the ways he behaved when in India, a temporary break.

“He has all friends from his nationality… I did not have much to talk to them, because they talked about some podcasts about some sort of witchcraft“- reads like radicalization: “the process by which an individual or a group comes to adopt increasingly radical views in opposition to a political, social, or religious status quo”, Wikipedia.

Maybe it’s both, to one extent or another. Maybe it’s mostly the latter,  some sort of a religious radicalization he went through recently, which changed him from the previously super-kind, super-nice, absolutely-perfect-in-all-ways person that he was.. (for a while) to the opposite: someone super-controlling, super-angry, super-rude, etc.

What do you think?

anita

Only trees cannot move. You are not a tree; thus you can move on. It was never your fault that he left you. The man who truly cares about you will not leave you. Thus you must accept that he was not right for you. You made a mistake and are learning from it. Always learn from your mistakes so that you will not repeat, analyze what went wrong before you get into another wrong relationship.

Dear Ingrid Guerci, and anita,

Thank you for your message. I am in my new job focusing only on my work – which I absolutely love. I feel uneasy, and lonely. Also betrayed. Because the false promises made to me took a toll over my health. I am regaining my health and trying to improve as a person.

I really liked the statement by Ingrid Guerci. I had promised myself that i will wait for him for 6 months. 6 months are over. I spoke to my parents and they were supportive – as usual. I am blessed. But i still think about him. My musical instruments and some other things related to art arrived to my place recently. In those things, a different book appeared – about karma and his religion. I had a feeling to read it… or open it… but I didn’t yet.

Maybe I am just overthinking. Because I dont think he would spend a single minute thinking about me. I cannot comprehend how people change so easily.

I am tbankful for the support I have gotten here. And I will keep in touch. I hope noone goes through this type of heartbreak ever.

With my kindest regards.

Dear anita,

Thanks a lot for your supporting reply. It was very difficult, and I still feel it is.. to get completely over what happened. I had spent so much time thinking about him and about the things I would like to do for him, that it seems inevitable to not remember him. But I try to also remember how he hurt me so much, and the fact that he just didnt ever bother to try to come back save our relationship.

I dont know if i ever mentioned this before or not, if I did please excuse me and ignore my repetition (I notice I tend to be repetitive when I am hurt). When he visited me the last time, I met him after 10 months, and I leaned over for a kiss (which is normal in our relationship) he stopped me, and when I tried hugging, he pushed me away. Such actions made me feel so unloved that I feel like I will never find anyone in my life, and there were many more similar instances, where he made me feel this way. And being alone for the whole of my life scares the hell out of me – I am a bit cowardly in this.

I know that I should move on. And I thonk after 7-8 months now, I am getting comfortable in my own company, being alone and not feeling lonely. But whenever the thought of future comes in my mind, I feel so uneasy. And I hate to admit this, but a part of me is still hoping that everything will fall into place and he will come back and save our relationship and I will be with him.

Thanks for being there, this forum has given me an opportunity to actually express myself. I do it with my family too, but it is different. I have never been a part of any social media, but this forum has really been important for me.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your response. I am sorry for not getting back to you timely because I was travelling for work. Thank you for your support during all this time and for understanding my repetitive behaviour!

I am trying to do better, I became quite non social for a long time and didnt talk to anyone. I am now thinking of resuming my real self and being social – talking to people, going out with people, making more friends, etc.

As more time passes by… weird realizations slap me in the face, on how blind I was. When I met hin the first time, he was just like me, not too religious, having faith, but also enjoying, drinking at a bar, talking to everyone, he even smoked a lot (which I dont because I am also a professionally trained singer). Then one day he just  told me that he has his religious calling. So he stopped entering bars, he would go in only when he is not wearing is rudraksha mala, i respected it. Then during the times of festivals, like navratri for example, he would ask me to not even touch him. And he prayed 1 hour every day. So I accepted all this. But all this time sharing the same bed with me was never a problem?? And I never saw this as a problem? I could have preserved myself if I noticed this. But I thought he is the one. Now the realization hits. I am 25 years old. And I am alone in a different country. I am trying my best to be strong. I am independent and I have my company as I mentioned before. But all this baggage on me… is what pulls me back. I understand I should not think of him. I am sure he is not at all thinking of me, I know him enough to say that he is doing well with his beliefs.

Also, don’t mind me saying this… I feel like I am too old now, and I will never get anyone in my life, and it is kindof scary to be alone my entire life you know…

All this came into my head after one of my childhood friends suddenly got in touch with me after a year. Generally she used to talk to me a lot, but when I started working at my second job, she kind of became distant, I felt bad because I never understood this distance. Maybe because she was busy looking for a job… she did her engineering and didnt find a job since covid till now.

When she got in touch I was so happy, spoke to her, and she asked me how is he doing (she knew because i told her the last time we spoke and that time I was with him). When I told her that I separated because his parents didnt like me without meeting me because I am from a big city where the culture is more open, and I also have a different religion, and they preferred a housewife and very religious person.. she said and I quote,”Good for you, you dont deserve to spoil anybody’s life. You just care about your work and yourself. You are selfish and you will die alone, never find anyone because all of us can look through you.”

I mean, I do love working, that is why Iwork… right? Hearing this from my childhood friend, was so painful. I am not selfish. I try to help. I do spend a lot of time working, but I also spend time following my hobbies.

Her words hurt me bad, and now I kind of believe them because she is an old friend who i thought knows me a lot.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for creating this platform where we can be ourselves and noone judges us. Best regards.