Dear kdizzle:

Again, congratulations for cutting contact with your mother.

Having read your last two threads about the pattern of men being into you for a short time and then withdrawing, since it is a pattern, it needs to be looked at. This guy you wrote about said that you scared him. Any idea about what he meant by it? The reason/s for men withdrawing?

You asked for kind words, what do you mean by “kind words”?

anita

Dear kdizzle:

Could be. Could have asked him if that scared him…? What about other men before him, the pattern you mentioned: did you share with them the sexual abuse as well? Any explanation to their withdrawal after being very interested at first?

anita

Hi Kdizzle,

Yes, repeating patterns are usually a sign that something needs to be looked at. I used to be really drawn to people (as friends) who completely gushed over me at first. In my case, I was seeking validation from them, since I was unable to extend it to myself. But people gush because they want us to be a certain way, and when they see that we are human, that can lead to problems.

I second Anita’s suggestion to be curious. Ask open-ended questions. In fact, look back at the questions that Anita used with you, and ask similar ones in your conversations. She asked, “What do you mean when you say ___________?,” which is a question that I teach my coaching clients to use, actually. When you use it, using the other person’s exact words, it helps them to clarify and reflect on their reasons for saying what they do, and it helps you to better understand what they are saying and why. Our minds love to try and read between the lines, but this is simply making assumptions.

So be curious, and keep us posted!

Bethany
http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info

Dear kdizzle:

Good job asking for the information. I hope they reply. If you think back, maybe you will remember something either one said that can be a clue as to a reason? You can come up with a few possibilities..?

anita

Hi Kelsey,

I totally feel you and understand you!
Even though I’m several years older than you, I just had a similar experience with a guy. He acted like he’s into me, said romantic things, and basically led me on…even though I told him I’ve been hurt in the past and that I’m fearful of starting something new.

Yet when I asked him a couple months in what he sees us going toward and how he truly feels about us, he said he can’t have a real relationship right now or be with anyone properly while he’s finishing up school and that he’s not good with long-term relationships.

The lesson is that guys can be very misleading and act in selfish ways and lie, just like girls can. There are guys that fall hard in the beginning, then just lose interest for whatever reason. It’s most likely nothing to do with you.

Also there are guys who want the perks of having a girl in their lives temporarily without putting in the commitment or effort.
I guess beware of guys that want to move too fast, because often times they’re just getting caught up in the moment and not getting to know you properly first in order to develop true feelings for you.

And if a guy is scared off by you revealing your history of sexual abuse, then GOOD RIDDANCE! A guy who’s not mature enough to handle such emotional issues or provide you with the support you need is not someone who will be healthy to have in your life. You need a guy who will be caring, supportive, and glad that you trusted him enough to tell him something so painful about you. And when you find that guy you will know by the way he reacts and responds to you revealing yourself.

Wait for a guy who is worthy! See if you find him good enough first before giving him the power over the relationship. See if he can talk openly about feelings and concerns.

You sound like a self-aware, thoughtful, and loving person with a lot to give. Value yourself and know that you’re worth being treated right.

And yes, I also need to follow my own advice, haha 🙂