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Can't Trust.

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  • #36296
    chelsea
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 1 month, and so far things are going great…except I can’t fully trust him. The crazy part is that he has given me no reason to believe I can’t. He doesn’t give other girls the time of day. Other than fishing and skateboarding during his free time, all he does is work hard then come home. But since I had to go through a few very bad “relationships”, (quotations b/c they weren’t actual relationships, just me chasing after boys who only wanted me physically…ugh) I now have a hard time trusting, and I have bad beliefs when it comes to men (plus, my dad was literally never around. i don’t even know what he looks like or how old he is). All these crappy men around and it’s hard for me to believe my boyfriend isn’t like them. He’s so sweet and loyal yet I keep putting him through the same thing every month. The whole please don’t hurt me conversation. Then last night we were out having some beers at the restaurant he works at and girls kept talking to him, which made me very insecure so I shut down and have been giving him the cold shoulder since. (He’s also really handsome, which doesn’t make it any better haha) It’s almost to the point where I’d rather be alone than risk being hurt. He’s my first boyfriend and I have so many irrational feelings of mistrust and fear. Could someone shed some light on how I can trust him more or stop my mind from running rampant with all the horrible ways this relationship could end? I really don’t want it to but it will if I can’t find some way to trust him and get more confidence.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by chelsea.
    #36300
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    I’m sorry you are feeling this way, it must be hard.

    Have you considered having some therapy about these issues? It sounds like they run very deep and you may benefit from it.

    I wonder if you can try really hard to put these negative thoughts about your boyfriend aside? Every time you find one of these thoughts arising, mentally say to yourself ‘This is an irrational thought. I am going to ignore it’ and then move on to something else. So instead of having horrible fantasies about what could go wrong, shut the fantasies down and mentally focus on something else? You could even create a mental picture of yourself pushing the negative thoughts aside.

    You may also want to try building up your own self esteem. Tell yourself ‘I am worthy of my boyfriends affection and attention’. I hope this might help you to counteract your negative feelings.

    I really hope you find some peace soon.

    #36301
    chelsea
    Participant

    I’m actually reading a book on borderline personality disorder & another on receiving love. these are helping me to a certain extent but i still can’t quite get a hold of my mindset. these thoughts come on so strongly that i will ruin a perfectly good night with my boyfriend, go in my room, and shut him out. i don’t know what to do anymore. i honestly hate that he’s making friends at his job that are girls but there’s nothing i can do about it.

    #36305
    Peter
    Participant

    Your experience Chelsea is not an uncommon one and I have been on the other side of a smiliar relationship a few times. As with all things on Tinybuddha.com, the way forward will come from within and you’ve already recognized that your mind is playing tricks on you by fabricating completely irrational scenarios about what may or may not happen. The risk is that if you start believing what your mind is telling you, it could eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy – our minds have this horrible tendancy of wanting to be proven right and it might be searching for reasons to justify its paranoia around every corner. Therefore, unconsciously, you may create a set of conditions where your boyfriend will decide to leave you and then your mind will be like, “See! I told you we should have never trusted him!”, which I’m sure is not what you really want to happen.

    Like all of us, I’m sure you want to be in a wholesome, loving, open, honest, and most importantly, trusting relationship based on observable and well-reasoned facts and not fabrications of the mind based on past hurt and pain.

    I agree, some therapy could be beneficial – actively working with a professional and your mind to help you recognize certain patterns of thought that are unhelpful. Reading and talking about it with someone will definitely help.

    And of course, I always recommend meditation and mindfulness. The mind is like a muscle and in order to be able to do some of the heavy lifting required to turn againnst the tide of irrantional thought, the strength comes from practicing to observe our mind and connecting with our breath.

    #36308
    chelsea
    Participant

    Thank you for your response, Peter. I will look into finding therapy for my issues. I never talk out my feelings so that would definitely help. Mindfulness is short-lived with me b/c I always find a way back to worry. I would bring this up to my boyfriend but I’m afraid of being a burden and I don’t want to be seen as the jealous gf.

    #36310
    ramandeep singh
    Participant

    Chelsea being jealous is OK it shows affection and love… but shouldn’t overdo it..
    you both have spent more then a year together.. which is very positive point.. and u must have so many good and happy memories with him.. the quality time you spent together.. try to remember all that good time you had whenever you feel negative about him.. try to replace your negative thoughts to positive ones

    there are things you can control and there are you cant, past you cant control it.. and remember it was never your fault .. and slowly let them go …

    let the past go, let the fears go, let the worries go and breathe

    Bless you

    #36311
    Jenn-ay
    Participant

    I also didn’t have a father who wasn’t around while I was growing up. This for me, was a contributing factor into what I believed about myself and the behaviors and relationships I chose to do/have in my life. His absence influenced me and my way of thinking in ways that I am still learning about to this day. I have done therapy, and it helped me tremendously. I have also read many books on forgiveness and self-love. I would recommend both to you also.

    I have been where you have been. The self-doubt, using passive-aggressive behaviors to show my displeasure (cold-shoulder, silent treatment – a favored response), the distrusting of other people and their intentions, and the underlying belief that I didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship, so I chose men that were not going to treat me well or I pushed the good guys away and outta my life. I had the “conversation” too with many of them. The problem was I needed to have the conversation with myself. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or ask what I wanted/needed from anyone. I didn’t have the tools, and that is what therapy gave me. I didn’t start to change, until I started to look at myself, my beliefs and my behaviors. I didn’t start to change my behaviors until I started asking myself the hard questions. Such as, “why do I believe/feel that _____ will hurt me or leave me?” and follow that answer with, “is this a true statement?”, and if it is true (or untrue), “why?”

    You asked “Could someone shed some light on how I can trust him more or stop my mind from running rampant with all the horrible ways this relationship could end? I really don’t want it to but it will if I can’t find some way to trust him and get more confidence.”

    My response to your question is after all that rambling is: You, Chelsea, need to learn to trust/love yourself first before you can really, truly trust/love anyone else.

    #36313
    chelsea
    Participant

    Thanks, Jennifer. Your post resonates a lot with me. I do not trust myself although I do believe myself to be very intelligent. Love is just so different in that aspect. Men everyday ruin great relationships with wonderful women by cheating or causing women to leave them due to their inability to be faithful. What trips me up is what if he’s fooling me? What if he’s checking out someone at his job? What if he doesn’t love me as much as he says? All these thoughts while his behavior proves none of it. So much sabotage and I wish I could stop it. I’ve done some researching for therapists in the area and I am going to try to get something set up soon. I am so tired of this ongoing circle of doubt and fear and plain old negative energy. I want to trust him and have fun and enjoy our relationship but that’s impossible with all the crap flying around in my head.

    #36353
    Jacki
    Participant

    Chelsea I am going through the same issues right now with my boyfriend of 18 months. This is my first truly serious relationship and because of my past I am having a very difficult time trusting him. I have gotten to the point where I have realized that this issue isn’t his fault, its my own demons I need to work through. I have had many so-called relationships with men I was really just having flings with. In my mind I thought I could build relationships with them and blamed myself when they unexpectedly left me never to be heard from again. I also come from a divorced family where my father left when I was 13. I didn’t reconnect with him for 10 years after that.

    Whenever there is a situation that makes me start to question my boyfriend’s trust the first step is to recognize how you feel and then question it.

    I always ask myself first ” Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him”. The answer is always no. My boyfriend is a very social, happy, fun loving person. He does tend to talk to a lot of people, including other women, which does tend to make me jealous. When I start to feel the jealousy within me, I stop and think. Is he doing anything wrong by having a conversation? No. Do I talk to other men when we go out? Yes. Am I trying to cheat on my boyfriend or move on to someone new when I talk to other men? No. If I can see that it is ok for myself to have conversations with members of the opposite sex that are not my boyfriend, how can I ridicule my boyfriend for doing the same? Doing this gives me comfort because I realize my own insecurity and prove to myself that there is no reason for me not to trust him.

    I also find that when I let go and allow my boyfriend to be himself without my questioning, it makes us closer, it makes him feel free. I read a quote once that said the easiest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly and the best way to deepen love is to give it wings. We must love in a way that the person we love feels free.

    I know it is a constant daily battle, but through recognizing your own illogical thoughts it does get better. It just takes a lot of practice, but its worth it.

    Every time you win that battle with your mind, make sure you applaud yourself. You deserve it!

    Best Wishes,

    Jacki

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