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  • #221299
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Dear All,

    Can you please point me to good resources on CBT and related techniques.

    I’ve had moderate depression/anxiety all my life. I am a pretty outgoing and cheerful around people. I’ve had issues at home all my life and I thought I coped well but I’ve hurt myself a great deal. Now, its showing up in my romantic relationships. In brief, I am a genius at hurting myself and others. i have to put my foot down and work on challenging my thoughts!

    I have to say I am in a quite good place but there has always been sadness for some reason on a deeper level. I want to live a fulfilling life. I’ve seen counsellors on and off and it definitely helps..

    Please do share any resources for slef help/CBT. Thank you so much!

    #221309
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    My first introduction to CBT was the book (+workbook) called Cognitive behavioral Therapy for Dummies. If you can stomach the dummies part in the title, it may be a good source for you as it was for me.

    Interesting you mentioned the truth in your first recorded thread here, March this year, you placed this quote there: “Make truth your island, make truth your refuge; there is no other refuge”, and indeed, CBT is about changing thinking that is not true to reality to thinking that is true to reality. In other words, CBT is about aligning our thinking with reality.

    Here is what you wrote March on another thread: “I say something which I may feel is inappropriate but not necessarily have hurt the other person. There is no way to tell..  I worry if some forwarded message has hurt someone’s feelings… I don’t know the difference, if I’ve actually offended  someone or not”

    If you want, you can post next something you said to someone, still not knowing if it was offensive and we can do a CBT exercise with this thought, figuring out if the thing you said was offensive or not, get that clarity.

    anita

    #221323
    Peter
    Participant

    I do not know anyone who has not struggled with coming to terms with Cognitive dissonance/distortions at some time in their life.

    Particularly during the transition from one stage of life to another. During these transitions what we were taught, how ‘life should be’ comes in into conflict with our experiences. In many cases we will work very hard to deny that any dissonance exists and admitting any dissonance threatens our sense of identity and belonging to our community. (Equals sadness, depression, existential angst) As Socrates suggests coming to terms with such dissonance and distortions require the life long purist to “Know Thy-Self”

    For me the study of how the stories we tell ourselves influence our experiences has been a great help. How much do the stories we tell ourselves create our experiences and how much do our experiences create our stories? Its always a bit of both I think, so its important that we become conscious of when which is happening and in this way,  we become the master of our stories.

    A book I found that help a great deal with this idea of mastering our stories was ‘Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High‘ by Kerry Patterson

    You might be asking yourself how a book about communication could help with CMT to which I would answer that Conversation is not just about how we talk to others but also how we talk to ourselves. Becoming the master of how you speak with yourself and you are well on the way to mastering your stories and recognising any dissonance before they take you for a ride.

    Another exercise that I found helpful with CMT is becoming aware of the most common cognitive distortions. In this way when I hear myself telling a story I am better able to identity any distortions I may be creating. This creates a space to where I can respond to a experience vice react.

    15 common cognitive distortions

    1. Filtering. We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.
    2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking). In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
    3. Overgeneralization. In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.
    4. Jumping to Conclusions. Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.
    5. Catastrophizing. We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”). With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.
    6. Personalization. Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.
    7. Control Fallacies. If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”
    8. Fallacy of Fairness. We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.
    9. Blaming. We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.
    10. Shoulds. We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.
    11. Emotional Reasoning. We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
    12. Fallacy of Change. We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
    13. Global Labeling. We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.
    14. Always Being Right. We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.
    15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy. We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.
    #221391
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Peter!

    I appreciate it so much! I’ll look up the books/resources you’ll have suggested. How does one practically implement these? Is it just about challenging ones thoughts?

    For me I feel I am reason for everyone’s misery. Also, if I perform an action which does not align with “my beliefs” I feel life is not worth living. I always tried diverting my thoughts or push stuff under the carpet till now because if there was pain it involved only me. Now that I am dating, its becoming almost impossible for me to handle these emotions now that another person is involved. If “I feel” that I “hurt” the other person, I go insane. The point is sometimes genuinely another person could be hurt but I do get over it but there are times I make assumptions that another person is hurt though he may not be too hurt.. I am in crazy place..Its much better if i stay single. This attachment, suffering and saying no or someone rejecting me is too painful…And I dont seem to understand how to deal with it apart from crying, not being able to take up a job, hurting myself… Being an adult these are unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sure I have made mistakes, maybe big ones because I was not aware of myslef. But how much does self condemnation help? Desires are thwarted at the moment.. I have to learn to endure and figure out how to deal with all this…

    Sorry for this much venting…:(

    #221393
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Rainbow,

    This is one forum you don’t have to apologize. Most people here are empathetic and will be able to understand what you are going through. Apart from the reading it is advisable if you can take the help of a qualified therapist in overcoming your struggles.

    Challenging ones thoughts is one component of the therapy. But you will also need to go to the origins of your beliefs to better understand and facilitate healing. Awareness of one’s thoughts and how it impacts the way you feel constitutes a major part of therapy. Once that is done then you go through the process of challenging your beliefs and putting in corrective mechanisms.

    The process is slow but steady work will lead you out of your difficulties enabling you to the live the life that you desire.

    Take care.

    #221407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    You didn’t give me a specific thought you had. Here is an example for one (I am making this up): sitting in a restaurant with my boyfriend, I asked him to pass the salt. He didn’t pass it to me right away, took him a few minutes. He must be angry with me. I must have done something wrong, must have hurt his feelings and didn’t even notice it.

    If you give me an example of a thought (can be short or a paragraph, like the one in my example), we can do a bit of a CBT exercise with it.

    Regarding what you shared March and today, I will quote you: “I say something which I may feel is inappropriate… I worry if some forwarded message has hurt someone’s feelings. if I’ve actually offended someone or not…I feel I am reason for everyone’s misery… if ‘I feel’ that I ‘hurt’ the other person, I go insane”-

    It is my understanding that you believe that you are a bad person, this is your core belief: Rainbow is a bad person.

    As a bad person, anything you say and do (or fail to say and do) is likely to be bad and offend another person. It is as if you were, let’s say, a lake, but a bad lake, water murky, muddy, bad for drinking. So you believe that anyone drinking your water will get sick.

    It is very, very difficult to live believing you are bad, bad for others, offensive, harmful. I know how difficult it is because I lived many years believing I was a bad person. I repeatedly doubted myself, doubted if I should have said this or that, or if I should have said it in a different way, if I was not accurate and should  add to what I said and on and on and on. That was a life of misery, and like you, I preferred to not interact with other people (“its much better if I stay single”) because less misery  that way.

    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is about challenging thoughts and challenging core beliefs which involve thoughts and strong emotions. It took me a long time to challenge my core belief that I was a bad person and finally to believe differently. Over a long time I built trust in myself, trust that what I say, what I type to you at this moment, is not offensive. Trust that if you are offended reading my words right now, it is not because I am offensive.

    anita

    #221415
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you so much Prash!

    Hi Anita,

    You are right. I am longing to be free from myself. To be honest, in the last three years a lot of this(thinking i am a bad person) has dropped off. I feel much freer but it came at the price of painful situations. At this point, the specific situation is a romantic one (well this is arranged marriage type like in India where we met two times and chatted three days, so not really romantic! lol) wherein I feel I could have worked it out but I am pushing him away maybe because of some fears. I am trying hard not to blame myself but I am causing myself hurt nevertheless and for just a two time meet! I am unable to stop crying for a month :0

    How will I be able to handle tougher life situations in the future if I am so sensitive and cant let go…

    I’ll explain the situation detail in the next message.

    Thank you so much Anita 🙂

     

    #221417
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Rainbow,

    You are most welcome.

    Two books that I have come across related to CBT are Mind over Mood by Greenberger and Padinsky and Feeling good handbook by David Burns.

    Hope they help

     

     

    #221425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rainbow:

    You are welcome. I hope to read the details of your situation in your next Post.

    I would also like to know what brought about the relative freedom you mentioned in the last three years and what painful situations you referred to as the price for that freedom.

    anita

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