Thank you lostcloud, my comrade in arms 😉 You’re so right, I’ve found this (TinyBuddha, forum, sharing) all so incredibly valuable. It has cemented a lot of things in my head and I’m feeling pretty good right now!

You know, putting aside from the fact that he’s still trying to contact me for now, I found the fact my ex got married quite freeing. There was obviously a little bit of my ego crying ‘why couldn’t he have figured it all out for me’ but then I realised what it meant, I was free. There is no way that he is able to swan back in my life ever again. He is now legally someone else problem. I went back so many times over 8 years that it was a well known and lived cycle in our relationship. Yes, I finally completely broke the cycle long before his wedding but this was its death knoll for me. I do hope he has changed; his wife looks like a nice person, but 1, it’s unlikely and 2, not my problem anymore! I am now completely focused on putting me and my healing first. And I’m surprised and pleased that it’s clearly working. I am not dwelling on his call and all the possible reasons for it (albeit that I’m on this forum talking about it 😉 ). Small battles will win the war!

I like your mantra. I’d love to hear how it works for you. I also gave my thoughts a little pep talk before I started doing it – ‘I know I was hurt, and at one time I needed you (my thoughts) to go where you often do, but you don’t serve me any more so, with the greatest of respect, when I notice you coming back again, I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears’. It brought a little lightness to the process for me too.

That fate has tried to tell you about his behaviour for a long time completely resonates. I wilfully ignored every single warning – and there were countless warnings. Each time my gut that told me something didn’t sit right but I listened to him and not my gut. Another major lesson in itself – to learn to start trusting my instincts again and put me and my needs first above empty promises and words just because my emotions wanted them to be true.

Re trying to understand why he does what he does, it is of course valuable to learn about people. But make sure you put yourself and your healing first. The mind has an uncanny way of hiding its real motives and cheating you into doing its bidding. In my case, going back to the emotional (in)security of the past, which almost became like a drug.

My ex was abandoned by his mum as a small child and brought up by his step mum. When we were together he fought so hard to gain his real mum’s attention and affection, and never succeeded. The way he treats women is a reflection of this. I wonder if  ‘Dan’ might have some similar underlying issues since you mentioned his mum expected him to look after her and his dad in their old age and he seemed to unquestioningly accept this was his role. Of course, it’s far more complex as he was also the apple of her eye. She was a strong matriarchal woman and he felt the need to please her (no questions asked re looking after them), did the fact that she only called him a ‘silly boy’ for cheating mean it was ok for him to do so? It’s hardly more than a rap over the knuckles. Had she responded more strongly would he have thought it wasn’t ok? Just some thoughts.

Thank you again for your story, your response and opening me to the power of sharing. Stay strong and true to you.

LBx

Dear lostcloud:

I wrote to you earlier that I don’t need to know what his mother told you when she was alive, when you had conversations with her, but I do: can you tell me what she shared with you?

-what did she tell you about her husband? About Dan? About Dan’s ex girlfriends (with whom she had contact after the relationships were over)? About the concepts of Love, Marriage, Family?

-what about her words/  behaviors led you to believe that Dan was the apple of her eye?

-how did Dan behave around his mother, any physical affection, words of affection, was he respectful toward her?

* I will be back to the computer in about ten hours from now.

anita

Dear Lost cloud,

You asked in one of your posts if others have been in the same boat.

I have been and I gave almost a decade of my life. And then one day, I got up and started moving in the other direction. No contact with him whatsoever, no response, no seeking validation, there was no real remorse or validation he could give anyway or that I could trust.

It was a difficult journey, all the time I had spent in that drama, I spent on myself. He went on with another relationship. Good for him. Doesn’t change a single bit about my decision to move on. I had a similar journey, looking for validation, looking for answers, looking for justice, then came the more difficult but sooooooo much beautiful parts of my journey – knowing about myself, what led me to and kept me in that relationship. And once the pinky rose glasses were broken, they were broken..I realize I had often been surrounded by such assholes men and women in different relationships. The journey counties…there is a lot to be learnt but these years are the best years of my life. I have felt deep shame, regret, guilt, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, anger, rage, compassion, self-love, self-forgiveness, calm, peace of mind and peace of heart.

You will find that too. Just one thing – non negotiable, no contact, leave no way for him to reach you. You will find your way.

Love,

K