- This topic has 15 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
December 14, 2015 at 9:06 am #89693
Hi all Tiny Buddha,
So things here have been intense and I have not been doing very well, mostly because I let school and stress take priority again. As a result I have lost more weight, my anxiety and depression have gotten worse because of second guessing myself (a lot). 1st some background infor, then what happened.
1.Christmas is a big thing at my Grandmas house, only time people would get together from both sides of my family.
2. My birthday is in December. The Christmas we had when I turned 18 was meant to be the last one because she said “Adults that do not believe in God don’t get Christmas.” I understand where she was coming from and never asked or questioned it since it is supposed to be a religious holiday. (My boyfriend does not have a religion and I didn’t at the time, though that itself is a different problem).
3. My Dad found out that we wouldn’t have Christmas anymore and he flipped out on me, mostly because “You don’t believe in God? That’s stupid.” and he continued to tell me how stupid my choice was to not believe.
4. My parents have been drug addicts for many many years. Suddenly I turned 18, my mom got clean and got married and is doing great. My Dad still does drugs and who knows what else.
Now, a few years later, my Grandma is trying to do the whole Christmas thing again because “Shes in the Christmas spirit, decorating and other stuff.” I kept doing what I was told and kept making some plans for it and talking to the family involved to make sure people got presents that they would like. Now that being said, I also flipped out and may or may not have gotten Christmas canceled and lost my grandparents for talking back/out of turn/raising my voice/not cooperating. I called her and told her that I could not and was not doing Christmas this year, hung up, and let my Mom know. Now think about this first: My grandma has put me through HELL most of my life. So much that if she calls me, I will have an anxiety attack. I can’t be around her for more than a few minutes to an hour because to simply put it, she makes me feel so bad about myself that I was suicidal every minute I lived with her. I was not allowed outside, even in a 8ft tall concrete fenced in back yard as a TEENAGER!!!!!! She would smack my hand if I opened the door, the last time this happened I was 17, not a child.
Now don’t think I’m ungrateful. Very very very far from it. I lived with this woman that Yes took care of me, but I had to pay one way or another. I took about 10 years of this constant abuse and not once did I ever raise my voice, acted out, talked back, or did something actually ‘bad’ as in break the rules. I got in trouble for using the stove, the microwave, going into the garage where they stored food and drinks, and was 100% NEVER allowed to show emotion. To not show emotion, I had to keep myself from feeling the few things I could feel.
Since I moved out, my life has improved immensely, but I have gotten so much worse because I have no confidence as it is and now I’m trying to learn how to be part of an actual family where feels are natural and okay, and now I probably lost my grandparents for how I behaved when I called them yesterday.
My only excuse for how I acted was because simply, too many years of her making me want to kill myself for being such a bad person and making me feel like crap, combined with me believing that I don’t deserve Christmas to all of a sudden having this event going on, the stress got the better of me and I had a complete mental break down yesterday. I am managing because I have no choice, the only mental health places near me are full when I call them and I am a full time student.
WAs I wrong for how I acted and what I said? I have never even given her a dirty look, even with how bad I have felt. This was the only time, and that itself makes me feel like such a bad person. I feel like my unhappiness was justified, but I also live to the highest standard of NEVER making any person upset, uncomfortable, or even telling them something that they might not want to hear, something as simple as “Your favorite bag of chips got finished last night, sorry, I’ll make it up and buy you a new one.”
Was I wrong?
Thank you all at Tiny Buddha!December 14, 2015 at 9:21 am #89695AnonymousGuest
This is an easy question for me to answer with full confidence: no, you were not wrong. It makes me think of this scenario: a child being beaten every hour of the day, from 6 am to 6 pm. Then at 6:05 the one doing the beating gets close to the child with the ever present whip and the child screams: DON’T!
And the one with the whip says: How dare you? How dare you speak to me in that tone? Didn’t I feed you today (in between the beatings)? You ungrateful, bad, rude child!”
And the child goes: “You beat me all day, but you are right, I don’t know if you were going to beat me up at 6:05 pm. And even if you were going to, maybe you had a good reason. After all I am a bad child. Otherwise I wouldn’t have screamed at you! I am so sorry. I had no excuse.
It is a long story that just came to my mind. But there is no limit to the distorted thinking NATURAL to a child who is mistreated. No limit to how much the child will take responsibility where he or she has none. And even when you are aware as you are of the abuse by your grandmother, a big enough part of you STILL take responsibility that is not yours.
All those many, many thousands of times that your grandmother was rude to you somehow evaporate the moment you are not PERFECTLY kind to her.
So, no you were not wrong. You would be wrong though if you have anything to do with your grandmother. No wonder your grandmother’s child (your mother or father) did or is still doing drugs. No wonder you came out of your childhood unwell.
Choose the right way. You don’t want to be wrong- get away from those (to use religious words since your grandmother and drug addicted father believe in god) – stay away from those demonic force, your grandmother!
anitaDecember 14, 2015 at 9:42 am #89696
Your truly a great person! I read most of the posts and responses on here, and I am happy to say that you have helped me many times over. You and Inky too, and of course the rest of Tiny Buddha, you two are just more active.
The surprising thing is my grndma and my dad are not related, but are very much a like when it comes to their personalities.
I don’t know when she will show up in my life. Usually something like what I did means you get the equivalent of exiled from her home and support, and you don’t deserve to be spoken to because you are less than an average person. She also might take this extremely personally because I have been the only person that hasn’t treated her badly, she trusts me, and I know her personal and legal secrets. Knowing her, if she does or does not talk to me eventually her mind will wander to “Is she going to tell or is she not?” because her mind will naturally take her there. I don’t want her to feel discomfort, but knowing her and being a Psychology major, I know she will experience discomfort because of this. I might not be a Buddhist, but I still do believe in basics such as karma (still very confused about if I can call myself a Buddhist or not without being wrong), if I cause her suffering even though not on purpose but I am aware of the high chance it will happen, does that not make me a bad person?December 14, 2015 at 11:06 am #89697AnonymousGuest
Like you wrote, it is indeed IMPOSSIBLE to “never make any person upset.” But you are trying. And it is not working. Here is how you are trying in the very post above:
You first line is: “Anita, Your truly a great person! I read most of the posts and responses on here, and I am happy to say that you have helped me many times over.”
…. Then, you thought to yourself, I imagine, something like: “oh, oh, Inky must be reading this and she might be thinking: why, aren’t I great too? Didn’t I help Laycee too?
So you added: “You and Inky too”
…And then you thought something like: “oh, oh, what would everyone else on tiny buddha think? They will feel uncomfortable thinking: “What about us? Aren’t we great? Aren’t we helpful?
So you added: “and of course the rest of Tiny Buddha”.
And you proceed to explain to the rest of tiny buddha members why you mentioned only me and Inky to begin with, and not them as well: “you two (anita and Inky) are just more active.”
Now your first line was telling me that I, anita, am GREAT. In the last line of that first paragraph, you took it away from me. According to the last line I am not great, I am “just more active.”
This is what happened when you attempt the impossible, Laycee, you please no one. This is why it is so important for your well being to be authentic, to take the risk and express what you feel and think without having to augment and adjust so to please everyone. You end up pleasing no one.
Be true to yourself, Laycee. Place Laycee as THE important person in your life, not your grandmother, not ANYONE ELSE. You, Laycee. It is your comfort that is important. Every time you think about the discomfort of your grandmother, turn your attention to your own discomfort and what you can do to make yourself comfortable- not by trying to please her, but by being true to yourself.
anitaDecember 14, 2015 at 11:30 am #89698
It wasn’t meant to take away my statement about you being helpful, more like I can’t interpret information from and with someone if I am not/do not communicate with them specifically, compared to you and I responding to each other and adding to a discussion together instead of just me reading posts between other people about their experiences.
I don’t feel much so I often have to question if I should be feeling something in a situation, or what would be the right thing to feel compared to how I feel. This issue also happens with my own behaviors, like am I doing the right thing by trying to relax or should I be doing something for someone? The problem isn’t exactly with emotions but with the situations or people involved. For example I feel my Mom has made up for the negative stuff in the past few years, but I still can’t feel ‘love’ for her. It makes me feel worse because my son was the first thing I was able to feel a maternal type bond with, but I can’t reverse it and form a similar bond with my Mom.
I really don’t hate anything, except my name. It makes me sick to hear someone say it and puts me on the edge of an anxiety attack. I don’t enjoy any activities unless they involve helping other people. I also don’t understand the benefit and change of really being happy and positive, one reason is because I don’t feel happiness. I have been depressed about 90-95% of my life, outside of that I simply feel neutral or irritated. That being said, positivity does not reduce how much needs to get done at home/school/work, and it doesn’t pay for bills. It makes me feel that emotions are a waste of time and energy that could be put towards being productive.December 14, 2015 at 12:02 pm #89699AnonymousGuest
“I don’t feel much… what would be the right thing to feel…should I be doing something for someone?”
You learned during your own childhood to push down your emotions, to neutralize yourself… you dissociated from your emotions because your survival felt dependent on PLEASING your impossible to please grandmother and avoiding her wrath. That was your focus and understandably so.
You have a son. You should focus on two people in your life: you and your son. NOT your mother. NOT your grandmother. This is very important- any focus you put on your mother or grandmother or anyone else TAKES AWAY from your focus on yourself and on your son. By focusing on your mother or grandmother, you are hurting you and your son- and that you shouldn’t do.
You are troubled by not feeling love for your mother. This should not be a concern. Your focus should be loving yourself and your son, not your mother. She made her choices and you repressed the love you did feel for her for a reason. Don’t try to resurrect those feelings for her. You repressing your love for her- which you did feel, I have no doubt- because of her behavior toward you. You not feeling love for her is a consequence of HER behavior. It is not an indication you are not a good person. So let your mother and grandmother suffer the consequences of THEIR actions and do not hurt your son, and yourself by trying to protect your mother and grandmother from the consequences of their behaviors. Your son is innocent now just as you have been innocent as a child.
Do not hurt the innocent, take away from the innocent in your misguided efforts to protect the guilty.
anitaDecember 14, 2015 at 1:36 pm #89702
My son is dead. He was 2. You’re right though, Anita. My boyfriend and I have more than one child though and they all get enough attention from us, and the rest of the house.December 14, 2015 at 4:57 pm #89705AnonymousGuest
What happened to your son? This is so sad. What happened?
The other children are the bio children of you and your boyfriend? His bio?? How many?
My goodness, you really should not be concerned with the comfort level of your grandmother of all people, or your mother. Please post again…
anitaDecember 14, 2015 at 5:52 pm #89707
Thank you for your concern. Now, they are not biological, actually they are all “pets”. My boyfriend and I consider them our children because for multiple reasons we do not want human children. People are animals too. The work/upkeep they require almost amount to a human child. There is no difference to us between watching all our kids during the day compared to watching his 4 year old niece, and they all get into the same types of things or cause the same accidents (like a lamp that always gets knocked over by the cats and dog also being knocked over by the 4 year old when shes here). We have 5 kids: 3 cats, a dog, and a rabit. My late “son” was a rabit, and died in an accident.December 14, 2015 at 6:36 pm #89716AnonymousGuest
It will probably be a good idea to explain one time for each new person that you mean a pet when you say son or child.
I like it that you and your boyfriend have pets and not human children.
Regarding Christmas, I hope you have a good time with your boyfriend and your kids! I hope you never try to please your bio family members again. And I hope you don’t try to have loving feelings for people who did all they could to squash those feelings in you. Love those who did not and do not hurt you. Such a simple concept, isn’t it- to love those who do not hurt you. It will end a lot of sickness if we stop trying to love and trying to please those who hurt us…
anitaDecember 15, 2015 at 10:38 am #89745PeppermintParticipant
Anita allready said it all but I just wanted to chip in that I too think that you did the right thing. You stood up for what is right for yourself! That is very important. I hope you can have a nice christmas with your husband and without your grandmother.
Your parents and grandparents seem to have put you in the position of black sheep of the family. Your grandmother stops doing christmas and it’s your fault (twice, once after you were 18 and now again). Sounds like bs to me. Tell them they are free to have their christmas without you (you have something better waiting for you anyway or you can make it happen on your own with people of YOUR chosing.)
That said I believe you allready know all that and it still hurts. I’m sorry that it does but I hope that that pain fades away once you have a nice christmas without them.
December 15, 2015 at 12:43 pm #89750GlendaParticipant
- This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Peppermint.
I want you to consider this.
Might it be possible, that your family has become poisoned by sin? By toxic evil?
I suggest you start a new life completely separate from them. I know you are young and this is hard, but I see a need in you for transformation. Turn away from these self-obsessed people who have no clue of what real love is. Find a new crowd of sincere hearts who know what “care” and “kindness” really mean. You need to be in a nurturing environment in order to sow healthy seeds in your own heart. So one day, you can be the kind of person someone can turn to, that you need now.
God bless.December 15, 2015 at 4:03 pm #89757jockParticipant
Gawdblessya too Glenda! Welcome back….I think!December 15, 2015 at 5:17 pm #89758AnonymousGuest
* No, you, Jack, YOU welcome back! I know!
anitaDecember 15, 2015 at 10:01 pm #89781jockParticipant
ok thanks anita
yeah I’m back, not sure for how often or long but we’ll see