May 21, 2018 at 7:42 pm #208603
So I guess that I have to start from the beginning. It all started around my senior year of high school I just got out of a toxic relationship and recovered from an ankle fracture from jumping off a roof. But I was turning my life around I lost 150 pounds, got into bodybuilding and met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. For a year and a half, I was changing my life around and was growing both physically and mentally, nothing was able to stop me. But then I got mysterious injury in shoulder that to this day has gotten worse and worse and doctors say it’s nothing. For a year I got worse, I was on crutches for a couple months, had to wear cast on both my ankles, but the problem was never really diagnosed. It wasn’t until March 1st did I get results from a blood test and was told it was rheumatoid arthritis that I had. To make things worse 5 days later that beautiful woman left me. In some ways I was happy she left cause I didn’t want her to be held back. But I never thought she’d leave me completely as my woman and my best friend. I have less friends then I had since my diagnoses. My family wants me to move to another country so they can tale care of me their but I doubt Mexico beats the America in health care. I don’t wanna be burden on them as time goes. And my pain increasingly gets worse. All this and I just think of suicide for the past few months. I used to be scared of it because of not knowing what happens but the more time passes the less I care. I even think it wouldn’t be bad that I’ll be happer. Idk I’d like advice but i also just wanted to vent.May 22, 2018 at 5:10 am #208675AnonymousGuest
Dear Carlos Ramod:
I would like to understand better: did you jump of the roof on purpose, leading to your fractured ankle during your senior year of high school?
When you made that jump were you also 150 pounds or so overweight?
anitaMay 22, 2018 at 6:31 am #208699
Ya it was during senior I got into a bad crowd and thought hey since everyone thought it’d be fun. I wasnt really thinking straight. And ya I was 270 280 around the time I fractured my ankle.May 22, 2018 at 6:53 am #208707KumarParticipant
Dear Carlos Ramod:
If you are not seeking medical advice here then:
Life is mostly beautiful but it become suffering because the way we conduct it. Human mechanism consist of Mind, Body, Emotion and Energy. Now your body painful, u having physical suffering. You thinking about suicide, you have mental suffering. Your relationship and your condition causing you emotional suffering. I put aside energy. Now you need to make these 3, Mind, Body and Emotion work for you not against you. How to do that? there are many ways, try and see which one workable for you, don’t just refer to modern education. Focus on you and take necessary action. Believe me life will change, that is condition of nature and we are in nature.May 22, 2018 at 7:05 am #208709AnonymousGuest
Dear Carlos Ramod:
You wanted to fit in that “bad crowd”, so you jumped off a roof, to entertain them.. to be accepted?
You must have not been “thinking straight”, just like you wrote. And then you changed your life, lost a whole lot of weight, got into bodybuilding, had a relationship with a beautiful woman… and then the undiagnosed rheumatoid arthritis, later diagnosed. And the loss of that relationship.
The big turn about didn’t work out the way you were hoping, but you don’t have to go back to that boy on the roof, not thinking straight.
Life will not be as great as you hoped it would be since the turnaround, but it doesn’t have to be the desperate life you lived before the change.
There need to be an adjustment made, to incorporate the diagnosis into your future planning, to work with it and around it, to live the life that is available to you, best you can.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings and that planning for a better future.
anitaMay 22, 2018 at 8:15 am #208739
I do try adjust myself all time to be more comfortable with my situation. I’m actually incredibly happy some moments in my life but small things sometimes send me spiralling into depression. It engulfs me and sometimes it feels inescapable. The main thought that always makes me question my life is why me. Like the fact that my life changed so fast and seeing others that are better off than me. It hurts alot especially when you see how much it affects your everyday life. But i understand what you’re saying I’m not longer that kid who jumped off the roof but I do need to look beyond the pain. But sometimes its just so hard you feel like it’s never gonna end. No matter what ypu do.May 22, 2018 at 8:54 am #208749AnonymousGuest
Dear Carlos Ramond:
I learned that a whole lot of people live in pain every day, emotional, physical. Many millions, all over the world. I used to think that I was the only one. It seemed that way before.
I do not have rheumatoid arthritis, so I don’t know that kind of pain. In the same line of thinking perhaps, I suffer from Tourette Syndrome, for decades now. And you don’t know my kind of pain.
I think there are some kinds of pain that I will not want to live with, as a matter of fact, I already experienced that kind of pain. People say it can get worse. I suppose it can and at its very worst, I will not be able to endure it, nor will I want to try.
I hope you endure your kind of pain because you do have good moments, and I think or hope that there are ways to manage this disorder, to slow down deterioration, to ease the pain, you probably know of those ways, certain exercise, regularity of exercise, perhaps long walks every day.
Every person, every living thing, has a particular life available to it at any one time. You have yours, as it is. I have mine. I will do the best with the life available to me, as it is now.
anitaMay 22, 2018 at 10:57 am #208793
I can edure it from time to time. Some days I’m grateful that I wake up and live another day. But with the arthritis somedays I just think that no matter what I do it’ll always be there. It affects sp many aspects of my life. Those days I just really wonder what’s the use, I mean I don’t wanna end up bed ridden one day. Maybe the universe will give me some good luck idk but all I know is I’m not happy as much as before. I’ll push forward though.May 22, 2018 at 1:06 pm #208817AnonymousGuest
Dear Carlos Ramod:
I don’t know much about the disease, the prognosis, if you have an individual prognosis. Don’t know about pain medication, pain management techniques offered in those pain management clinics, about specific exercise that may be helpful to you… about whether living in a warm place is better for you than a cold place and so forth. I hope you take advantage of any and every available resource so your life experience is the less painful and more comfortable.
Please do take good care of yourself and post anytime (I will be away from the computer for about fifteen hours).
anitaMay 23, 2018 at 8:04 am #208939quackingphilosopherParticipant
Dear Carlos Ramod,
Really, thank you for not keeping your emotions in you and letting them out in a safe avenue like TinyBuddha.
It is a very powerful first step to take to get out of your current situation.
From what I read, I know that it must feel horrible to have all the misfortune unfolding in front of your eyes at once.
I want you to know that whatever you are feeling, it is not permanent and you are not alone. Please do stay strong and understand that taking your own life right here and now will also be taking away the chance for you to be happy again in the future.
I strongly believe that you can be happy again. The thing you can do now is to stay strong, persevere, and fight on.
Keep finding ways to improve yourself, and gradually you will find a way out. And committing suicide is not the way out, although it seems like a viable option as of now. You have to face reality and overcome it.
You have the potential to do so.
I am confident because I pondered suicide multiple times before as well.
However, I never actually did it for fear of harming the people who care about me.
I want you to know now, Carlos Ramod, that we all care for you. As a fellow human being, do have hope for a better future. I understand that it is hard to have faith at this point in time in your life, especially after what you have gone through. However, the universe is always expanding. Know that nothing is impossible, and with an optimistic mentality, you can bring true joy to yourself and the people around you.
I trust you.
Feel free to get back to me, okay? I will be listening.
NanaMay 23, 2018 at 9:05 am #208949GmannParticipant
Plan to be a survivor and understand suicide, is a long term answer for a short term problem. What we resist continues to persist, what we accept, will rest. When we see things as they are , we can rest. When we measure our progress , by what we had to let go of in order to achieve , the hear and now.