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Closure, forgiveness and forgetting?

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  • August 17, 2015 at 2:12 pm #81930
    Joe
    Participant

    And sometimes I have all these revenge fantasies about getting back at the host family for the fact they were horrible people and I just want them to suffer. I imagine really bad things happening to them, I imagine going back there to act really spiteful towards them and to really drag their names through the dirt.

    I don’t want to think thoughts of revenge either because revenge is not the answer. Revenge would not make me any happier or make me feel satisfied. So why do I still lust after getting even with them?

    August 17, 2015 at 6:40 pm #81940
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:

    You wrote: “I have confrontational issues and I’m just a ‘grin and bear it’ kind of person.” –

    When an animal is about to fight, I assume it feels angry, the emotion that motivates it to fight, the energy-in-motion (emotion) of anger is the same in you as it is in an animal in the wild, after all millions of years of evolution are encoded in our genes. Once the animal completed its fight- it is free of anger. It is a matter of insticts and emotions, not of thought… so grinning and bearing it attitude so common causes distress: the energy-in-motion not released in action will perculate, remaining in your neurons, fueling thoughts and more thoughts (obsessive thinking) and imaginations of actions that would release the anger (imagining bad things happening to that family).

    It is all natural, in your biology, in my biology, it is nothing personal really. I suggest dropping the grinning and bearing it attitude and do what animals do- express it.

    Of course not illegally- or terribly unethically- but somehow. In the future- “catch yourself” feeling angry, evaluate the situation and RESPOND- DO SOMETHING, say something, do something authentic to your anger.

    In this case, I would write the letter you want to write to someone- the family? Someone- make it … reasonable, that is not “I wish you burn in hell” but make it strong and make your point, make it short and factual. Maybe mention why you didn’t complain then (the grin thing) but make it strong. Maybe practice here, on this thread- I will be glad to read your letter and give you suggestions, if you’d like. It can be fun- maybe put some humor to it… and make a resolution- PLEASE- no more grinning when you are angry.

    anita

    August 18, 2015 at 6:46 am #81954
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    Can you go on the internet and make bad review or a complaint? Go on message boards/forums and complain there. Write the name of the school. Several times. Basically make the website with your complaints/reviews be up on Google Search next to their website. So that anyone who searches for them online has no choice but to see your Review/Complaint link.

    Go on Twitter. Do the same thing. Hashtag their name like crazy.

    Don’t be surprised if you meet people who ALSO had a horrible experience there.

    I’m part British too, raised in part by my English grandmother. So I know all about “grin and bear it” and how NOT to complain! But by writing it out and putting it online ~ where anyone and everyone can see it ~ where it WON’T go away – ever – IS the perfect response!

    Now, you can still live out your dream. Just keep in mind that many things international, oftentimes volunteer run, WILL NOT be perfect!! And nothing like their shiny websites and brochures! Globally people in general ARE racist, self-serving, and openly imperfect.

    When you think about it, simply say, “RESET!” and imagine yourself starting over, as if it never happened. Sounds funny, but it works!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
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