Dear tmeinke301:

Oh, oh, doesn’t sound good. Your cold feet are understandably cold: your relationship is problematic already. Is there any chance that you will reconsider this marriage to be as a marriage not to be?

I mean, it is clearly not a good idea to get married with him. You have a great opportunity now to prevent a whole lot of future suffering. Use that opportunity.

Back to my question: are you able to reconsider the marriage idea and end your relationship with him?

anita

Dear tmeinke301:

I understand that you are attached to the young children, maybe like a mother would be. You want the best for them, not wanting them hurt by you leaving their father. I’ll come back to this in a moment.

Your boyfriend is angry at his mother and for understandable reasons, I have no doubt. He doesn’t show her appreciation for her help with his kids because he is angry at her and has been angry for a long, long time.

He doesn’t respect his ex because he is angry at her too. And he doesn’t respect you… because he is angry at you too.

This anger is not going away by itself. It would take him being willing to attend psychotherapy and then attending it for a long time, doing hard work there before his anger dissipates. Until then, he will keep being angry and expressing his anger at you, bullying you like he is doing now.

No matter what a good wife you will be, no matter how hard you will try to please this bully, he will keep bullying you. He will keep bullying you because he is angry, from a long time ago, way before you met him.

He… can hardly help himself. Even when he sees that you deserve a compliment and he is trying to deliver it… he can’t do it without dressing the compliment with something derogatory (” It takes a rare occasion for him to give me any sort of compliment and when he does its usually somewhat derogatory).

You are getting married to a bully whose anger has nothing to do with you but you will continue to suffer from it. Back to the children: they already suffer from his anger and will continue to suffer from his anger whether you marry him or not. When they observe you submitting to him, trying to please the bully, they will learn to submit themselves to the bullies in their lives, or to bully others themselves.

You don’t want to teach them that, so don’t marry their father, please, for their sake, if not for your own.

Please do post again. I would like to communicate with you further as there is a lot of unnecessary suffering for you, for his children and for possible children you may have with him, suffering that can be prevented now. I would like to help you prevent all that.

anita

So, let’s see. YOu cook, clean and do child care. HE has all the control it seems, and it is “never enough’. You are selling yourself pretty cheap in the relationship, as he is getting quite a bargain. Do you see the hole that you are digging? Controls your activities, (cook for me, clean for me, babysit for me) and you cant even spend your own coin without derogatory comments? Warning signs! He is controlling and is sure to put you down, to put you in your place. He encases his comments in “hah hah” sarcasm, so he can look like the good guy, and you are the complainer…..been there. Married for decades, it doesn’t get better. Are you settling for anything, just because of your age? Friend of mine didn’t marry til 41 – had 2 babies at 44 and 46.DOnt need to settle if you aren’t treated like a queen.

Hello,

I am sorry for you mental struggle in such delicate moment (one month before the wedding). Of course, none of us can know the ‘whole picture’ cause I am aware you only brought up the negative stuff here, and that why is hard for any of us to be supportive of something that doesn’t sound good at first place.

Marriage is more than a union of love, it is a social union too, one in which you get the home, family, sense of belonging. Women especially need to ‘belong’ in such a union because 1. we need to feel safe, protected by someone stronger than us; 2. We need to ‘nurture’ someone and be needed and loved. We love the safety of the family home.. it comes from ancient times. While men went hunting, women stayed home to bring up the children and take care of the domestic issues (some of that environment and mind set is still bit left in our genes,a s much as we try to be feminists 🙂 )

It looks to me that finally, you got your instant full package- you are in relationship, you are needed in the home and for the children, the social pressure is off- you are over 30 and you seem settled… So the ‘hyenas’ in the neighborhood can stop talking 🙂 Yes, the guy can be sarcastic, not supportive sometimes, and unpleasant in occasions.. but who has it all anyway? you have to settle somewhere, we all do settle as much as we deny it..

I am not advising you what to to, just I want you to ask yourself few questions starting what if… 🙂

What if you were 25, the house and the children didn’t exist, you had a stable job and your own money, and he is still the person he is now.. and he proposed? Would you settle for the nagging if it didn’t come with the package of the whole social union, and you were on the other side of 30? 🙂

If you decide that you love him for who he is, with all his flaws, and you can live with them if they came without the house, kids, financial stability, than it’s fine I guess… But if not, than give yourself another run of thinking at least. Marriage won’t last much just simply as a social union, without the true and unconditional love, respect and support. Finances change, children grow up, public opinion stops to matter. What is left in the core of that union is you and him, and the bond you share. That is your only guarantee that you will marry only once and for the right person.

We can’t argue that it’s not pleasant for everyone being over 30 and single (though i know a lot of people i adore that love every minute of their single life), but even a possibility for divorce is much more painful than the ‘single’ experience. So at least ‘buy’ yourself some time… postpone over ‘technicality’ if you are not 100% sure (I know you think- what does she know, money and people are invested in this 🙂 )

However, whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. Always love and nurture yourself too, the way you do for others. Sorry for the long post, I can’t keep things short I guess 🙂