Hi!

That is an uncomfortable feeling to have, and far be it from me to give you advice on how you should feel or what you should do. Just know that you’re not alone.

I’m thirty and single, but sometimes i think about how many people are in unhappy marriages and are waking up as a 67 year old woman (or man) and thinking about how they wish they were still single! It’s depressing to think about, but the fact is that marriage isn’t the magic pill to our feelings of loneliness or unfullfillment.

Some people are definitely called to marriage, it’s a goal for them for whatever reason, and that’s awesome and totally something you should strive for, but maybe you can change your thought process. Just because you are single does not mean that there is something wrong with you. And if marriage is a goal that you want to work towards, don’t give yourself a deadline, just keep working towards it!

You’re only 28! You have years left of meeting new people, new friends, laughing, travel, and sky diving to look forward to 🙂

Peace,

Stephen

You are 28. Please be positive. This is soooooo young !! The average age of marriages today is 35. Relax, join a few groups, go and do things u love.
It will happen when its meant to. Dont worry. Just be yourself, dont panic – date ! You have loads of time ! Now is not the time to panic. I can assure you !
Best wishes. Xx.

Hi Dreaming715!

I’ve got about an extra decade on you and I’m still unmarried (and no boyfriend), no kids. I too worry about ending up alone, childless, and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves (wait – you didn’t mention anything about wolves – my bad). It’s a very normal, very real fear. For better or for worse most cultures still see matrimony and motherhood as the pinnacle of female existence. All the wedding and baby images splashed about in the media/social networks only magnifies the feelings that you are missing out if you’re single and without offspring.

What’s helped me, strangely enough, is taking two paradoxical viewpoints: first, accepting that I very well may never have little ones of my own and may never meet Mr. Right. When I allowed my brain to entertain this possibility, I started thinking, “OK, if that happens, what will I do with my life instead?” All these wonderful alternatives started to pop up in my head, like going back to school and pursuing a graduate degree, traveling, starting my own business, go on spiritual retreats, etc. I could see a reality of me being able to spend all this money and time on myself that I probably couldn’t if I had a family, and quite frankly that was very appealing.

But here’s where something else bubbled up – a voice inside of me said, “well, couldn’t you do all those things with a family too? And is there really an age limit to when you start a family?” I meditated on these questions, and discovered a wonderful new truth (which is the second viewpoint) – I could get married at any age – and if I wanted kids in my life there were other avenues other than the traditional nuclear family / having a child of my own body. I could adopt, be a school teacher, be more involved with my nephew, perhaps have wonderful step-children, etc.

My point is I found peace when I let go of my preconceived notions about how my life should play out. Who knows, maybe I’d be miserable if I got hitched and pushed out a bunch of rugrats. You never know for sure. The only thing anyone can hope to be sure of is the present moment. When I stopped worrying about some hypothetical future, I could finally enjoy my life *now*. And when you enjoy life, you’re more likely to attract what’s best for you – be that a husband, career, etc.

Before I go, I want to stress that even with everything I said, it’s totally OK to grieve if you don’t get the family/partner you had hoped for. Just don’t let it define you.

Sending lots of positive energy your way!

I’ve had these same fears. They can be very intense. (I’m 31, ended a relationship with someone I loved deeply a year ago).

The number of dates leads me to believe you’re frantic. And that frantic energy is going to repel what you do want, and attract what you don’t. If you’ve not looked into the law of attachment, you might look it up. (Or Universal Laws in general). The harder you try and cling, the harder you push, the farther you’re getting from what you really need to be looking at. And that seems to be yourself. What void are you trying to fill with these men and these dates? My guess is that you need the validation of a relationship…for what purpose? To prove to yourself and others that you’re loveable? That you’re worthy of love?

Relax. Look into these things. Serial dating is not going to get you what you want. But finding fulfillment without someone first, with self-love as a foundation, will bring in someone that can COMPLEMENT your life…not be the thing that makes you feel complete and whole. Be whole and complete on your own…and the rest will fall into place, and your value, worth, and love will not be dependent on an outside source.

Let’s say you did find someone, and you felt whole and complete (finally! Yay!). But then things didn’t work out. Would your sense of wholeness and completeness leave with the boyfriend? Probably. Would you end up feeling the same way you do now? Probably. Back at square one.

That is why you need to start with yourself, and look at your behaviors and figure them out.

Good luck!

40 years is a long time. Reminds me of a favorite anime series of mine. “But, 40 years is both a short time and yet, a long time”.

But, be that as it may, that is a very long time. I am 38, so that is a period of time longer than I have been alive.

Feel your pain, single and childless myself. I would ask that you be careful. The number of dates you have had feels like desperation. Sadly, there is those of us males who would take advantage of that desperation. Basically tell you whatever you want to hear for the opportunity to become physically intimate.

Seems like you may be setting yourself up to be used. Betting that once the guys got what they were looking for, they left.

Wow, that is a lot of dating. The question is; is it getting you anywhere. Someone once said that quantity has a quality all of its own. That isn’t a great strategy. It worked for the Japanese early in WWII when our guys had bolt-action Springfields. When our guys got Tommy guns and BAR’s, not so much. Point being is that quantity almost never substitutes for quality.

The desperate vibe does not play well. Seriously, stop the dating carousel for a bit and focus on what you really want. I understand that it is hard at times when you are in the single situation. As a single 38 year old male, understand that.

I don’t want you to be in a situation where out of desperation you find yourself in an abusive situation, or where you find that you have contracted something from one of the partners, or where you find yourself being sexually assaulted by one of the men you went out with in desperation.

For your own sake, pause. Unless you are akin to Grendel’s Mother, odds are, there will be plenty of men interested in getting to know you. Plus, until you take time to pause and think, you may not be able to recognize a suitable partner.

Dear dreaming715:

If there is a pattern of 1-2 months dating and the man loses interest, if this happened again and again, then there is a reason it is happening. It could be any combination of where you meet the men/ the choice of men, to the nature of the interactions. If I watched a series of dates you have with one particular guy, like a fly on the wall but with a notebook, taking notes, I would be observing very interesting things and suggesting you examine those things. For example- nothing individual to your case, just an example- a woman only wants to please the guy, so she shares nothing about herself, only listens to the guy so to be supportive of him, so the guy doesn’t find her interesting because … she has nothing to say (about herself).

Since I can’t be a flay-on-the-wall and since you probably would swat me if I was, the only way to learn is for you to become attentive, mindful to what is happening every step of the way, and through attention and awareness, the mystery will be resolved.

anita