Dear boots2018:

Complicated but not bad yet. Can get bad, but not yet. I think it is time to think well before proceeding.

Let’s say you and your boss sleep together, my goodness, how that can change things. So far, being the moral person you stated that you are, you were able to live with yourself, live with the way things are. But making this relationship physical can make all the difference and bring about guilt of such magnitude that it will be almost impossible to keep your marriage and well being intact after that.

Of course, you know all that. But you’ve known this for a while and you keep going, the flirting, texting. What happens is we get desensitized over time to a danger we are aware of, we get used to things and fail to notice when we cross that line. That line becomes blurry as we see it there for too long, and forget it is there, after a while, one moment and we forget it’s there and cross it.

A complicated situation but not too late to stop it from getting bad, creating a lot of suffering for you and for the other three individuals involved.

If you agree, what do you think needs to be done?

anita

boots2018,

Good that you are taking the possibility of sleeping with your boss off the table.

If you or he don’t want to be tempted then don’t exchange texts.  Work can always be an excuse for such communication but imagine work is able to get done before the technology of texts outside of work was invented.

I roll my eyes whenever people use the term “soulmate” when they are infatuated.  Set boundaries with him and have it so conversations be only about work not personal exchanges about how each other’s married life is, etc.  This only adds fuel to the emotional intimacy which in turn fuels the sexual desire.

Even though you “miss him like crazy” if you are not in constant contact with him, you are emotionally cheating on your husband by such exchanges.

Is this the marriage you want?  Is this the marriage you made a vow for?  Can you look at yourself in the mirror or your husband in the eyes and say that you are living in integrity?  A good measure is to imagine if he was doing the same with someone else.  How would you feel about that?  The fact you posted here means you are conflicted with your behavior.  If you want advice then live your values.  If you have to start rationalizing your behavior and your life then you are not doing so.

Mark

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Mark.

Hi boots2018,

I believe that what you are going through is very common and that most married people experience times when they find themselves very physically and/or emotionally attracted to a person who is not their spouse. It happens every day, and if it’s a mutual attraction then the two parties involved are faced with a choice. What is it that makes one person choose to act on her desires (emotional or sexual) outside of her marriage while another person chooses to shut down those desires and walk away from them? If I were you I would ask myself this question, and I’d then decide which person I want to be.

You may say to yourself now that you won’t allow yourself to sleep with this man,  but the wheels have already been set in motion, don’t you think? Kissing, intimate conversations, frequent text messages, getting anxious when he doesn’t text you for a day, desperately missing him, fantasies about each other (I’m guessing this is happening) — it is not going to be easy to walk away from this, is it? The human sex drive is very strong, so you need to plan ahead, prepare yourself for the eventual scenario that you two will find yourselves in. Before it happens, decide who you are, then be that person.

Like I said, I think most people are faced with this during their marriages, maybe several times. It must be one of the reasons why only half of all marriages last. When you objectively look around at other married couples and picture this same scenario happening to them, it’s much easier to see the big (ugly) picture, isn’t it? In other words, it’s easier to anticipate the eventual train wreck that’s coming when you can see the situation clearly without the “fog” that’s caused by all the sexual chemistry, which is often fleeting.

B