March 16, 2018 at 8:57 am #197583
I am married around 10 years to a wonderful and kind guy who I love and we have a lovely home and life (no kids yet). The issue I have is that I work very closely with my boss (around 5+ years) and we have always got on incredibly well pretty much from the start. We have similar tastes and interests and I feel a real connection with him and I know he thinks the same. He is also in a relationship, married around a year. We have had a few kisses in the past, generally after alcohol and we're both acutely aware of the sexual chemistry and attraction and have even discussed it. At times it is quite intoxicating but we have never slept together but we know we both would love to. I would consider myself quite a moral person but when I am in the company of my boss I seem to forget this and I find it difficult to restrain myself and he is the same. We talk a lot and are open about the situation and we laugh a lot over silly things, not just work although he is very work oriented. He is honest and upfront about things to me, he tells me I am the person in his life who knows him best, calls me his soulmate but in saying that he also speaks glowingly well of his wife ie I don't think he's unhappy in his relationship. In saying that, I know also he has to delete all our texts for fear his wife reads them (which she did in the past) even though most of them are just nonsense texts or texts about work. She is a few years younger than me, is very pretty and he likes to keep her happy and I understand that. He has made it very clear he will not leave her nor have I ever asked him in any way to do so. The problem is that I feel like my life is taken up with thoughts about this man. He regularly texts me, he initiates things generally. However if he doesn't text me for a day or so (say over a weekend), I get really anxious that he has forgotten me and I desperately miss him then and feel really down and I am a very upbeat and positive person normally. I definitely like the attention but I do believe that I have strong feelings for him, perhaps love? I have told him I will leave the company if things are difficult but he has always emphatically asked me not to. I know his wife doesn't like me as he probably talks too much about me but then my husband doesn't really like him either. It's very difficult as I 100% cannot leave the job as we have just also started a new company together. I adore my husband, he is wonderful but my God, this other man is taking up my thoughts way too much! Then in saying that I would absolutely miss him like crazy if we were to cut contact. I never thought I would find myself in such dramatic circumstances…March 16, 2018 at 9:33 am #197661
Complicated but not bad yet. Can get bad, but not yet. I think it is time to think well before proceeding.
Let's say you and your boss sleep together, my goodness, how that can change things. So far, being the moral person you stated that you are, you were able to live with yourself, live with the way things are. But making this relationship physical can make all the difference and bring about guilt of such magnitude that it will be almost impossible to keep your marriage and well being intact after that.
Of course, you know all that. But you've known this for a while and you keep going, the flirting, texting. What happens is we get desensitized over time to a danger we are aware of, we get used to things and fail to notice when we cross that line. That line becomes blurry as we see it there for too long, and forget it is there, after a while, one moment and we forget it's there and cross it.
A complicated situation but not too late to stop it from getting bad, creating a lot of suffering for you and for the other three individuals involved.
If you agree, what do you think needs to be done?
anitaMarch 16, 2018 at 9:45 am #197667
Hey Anita. Thanks for the input. I agree with you… I know that proceeding to “that” stage wouldn't be good. In fact, I think we could end up hating each other plus of course it would be a huge disloyalty on my husband. I think I want him in my life even as a friend more than I want to sleep with him… well I mean I totally desire him but I genuinely value our friendship that I think jeopardising it (and obviously my marriage) isn't worth it. I guess what you're suggesting is that I move away from this job but quite honestly it's not feasible and anyway… I actually don't work in the same office location as him most of the time. It's just so hard being around someone/being in contact with someone you crave but know you can't have! Before I met him, I would never have thought my eye and mind would stray to another, I thought I was blissfully happy but perhaps I have changed. I think we all change over time? I honestly just want this man to be happy and I know he wants the same for me. Just wish I could have a guilt free one night gratification which of course isn't possible!March 16, 2018 at 10:30 am #197683
Good that you are taking the possibility of sleeping with your boss off the table.
If you or he don't want to be tempted then don't exchange texts. Work can always be an excuse for such communication but imagine work is able to get done before the technology of texts outside of work was invented.
I roll my eyes whenever people use the term “soulmate” when they are infatuated. Set boundaries with him and have it so conversations be only about work not personal exchanges about how each other's married life is, etc. This only adds fuel to the emotional intimacy which in turn fuels the sexual desire.
Even though you “miss him like crazy” if you are not in constant contact with him, you are emotionally cheating on your husband by such exchanges.
Is this the marriage you want? Is this the marriage you made a vow for? Can you look at yourself in the mirror or your husband in the eyes and say that you are living in integrity? A good measure is to imagine if he was doing the same with someone else. How would you feel about that? The fact you posted here means you are conflicted with your behavior. If you want advice then live your values. If you have to start rationalizing your behavior and your life then you are not doing so.
March 16, 2018 at 10:40 am #197693
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Mark.
No, I didn't suggest you should move away from this job, only that you don't cross that line. I suppose you are proof that at any one time a woman can desire two men. Same for a man, desiring two people (or more) at the same time. Well, the same week, not necessarily the same one minute or hour.
To not lose sight of that line to not-be-crossed, better not let it fade gradually, as it has, flirting and such. You and him can have a conversation and decide on do-s and do nots, rules of behavior, from now on. And then, having this list written or in your minds, follow it. One hour, one day at a time. This way, you will put some distance between the two of you and that line.
anitaMarch 17, 2018 at 12:36 am #197773
I believe that what you are going through is very common and that most married people experience times when they find themselves very physically and/or emotionally attracted to a person who is not their spouse. It happens every day, and if it's a mutual attraction then the two parties involved are faced with a choice. What is it that makes one person choose to act on her desires (emotional or sexual) outside of her marriage while another person chooses to shut down those desires and walk away from them? If I were you I would ask myself this question, and I'd then decide which person I want to be.
You may say to yourself now that you won't allow yourself to sleep with this man, but the wheels have already been set in motion, don't you think? Kissing, intimate conversations, frequent text messages, getting anxious when he doesn't text you for a day, desperately missing him, fantasies about each other (I'm guessing this is happening) — it is not going to be easy to walk away from this, is it? The human sex drive is very strong, so you need to plan ahead, prepare yourself for the eventual scenario that you two will find yourselves in. Before it happens, decide who you are, then be that person.
Like I said, I think most people are faced with this during their marriages, maybe several times. It must be one of the reasons why only half of all marriages last. When you objectively look around at other married couples and picture this same scenario happening to them, it's much easier to see the big (ugly) picture, isn't it? In other words, it's easier to anticipate the eventual train wreck that's coming when you can see the situation clearly without the “fog” that's caused by all the sexual chemistry, which is often fleeting.
BMarch 18, 2018 at 9:59 am #197979
After being in a relationship for 10 years the relationship sometimes can become same old same old. Sometimes we also take for granite some of the things that we did for a while but don't anymore. For instance, maybe he always opened the car door, or cooked super, or told you he loved you a million times a day but things are it like that anymore. Sometimes we just miss the whole beginning of a relationship thing. I could be totally wrong about this but if you are getting close to your boss then maybe your husband is doing something wrong. There has to be a reason why you have gotten closer to your boss right? My advise is to evaluate your marriage and see how you can make things better. Sounds like there is no future for you with your boss. He's already said that he wouldn't leave his wife. If you like your job then put your boss in the friend zone and spice things up at home. Sit down with your husband and plan some outings or be a little wild and just surprise him with something. Always keep things interesting with him and you'll forget about your boss before you know it.
Again I could be wrong but that's what I'm getting out of what you wrote.
Hope this helps!