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Compromise for Conflict, Marriage or Break up Decision

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • August 13, 2024 at 2:31 pm #436158
    Sandy
    Participant

    I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years. I never studied relationships before, so we were just going with it until I realized that we are in a toxic relationship. But now she and her parents are asking me to marry her. I have plans for marriage, of course, but I don’t want to have an unhealthy relationship in our marriage.

    This happened because we have different values. I was born Muslim, but I am choosing spirituality. She is a very religious Muslim, and her family is as well. Actually, we can compromise on that. But another issue is that she can only marry a man who can live with her parents after marriage, and I can’t because I want to live independently with my wife.

    I tried to compromise, but she didn’t want to since she will follow her parents’ decision because she doesn’t have siblings. For some reasons, I think it’s impossible for me since I am committed to personal development. For example, I build healthy eating habits, while her family doesn’t. Her parents don’t know that I am not a religious Muslim, so it would be weird for them if I am not praying. She also lives in a very religious village, so I think the environment wouldn’t fit me well. Also, if I want to implement a minimalist lifestyle, it would be harder since her family may not want to simplify.

    There are many conflicts, including privacy issues. For example, she always wants to know who messages me on WhatsApp or wants to know my social media passwords so she can check them anytime.

    I talked to her about boundaries, and she just replied that in some cases she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions or emotions. For example, when I said, “What if I do a retreat after marriage?” she replied, “She wouldn’t let me,” because she would “feel lonely or afraid.”

    I must decide whether I should marry her or break up, and I have ended up with indecision for some time. What I know is that she thinks breaking up is a negative thing to do.

    Also, I have some questions:

    1. Should a couple have the same spiritual path/religion for marriage in order to have a healthy relationship and a happy marriage?
    2. Even if I choose another partner who can compromise with me (not her), after some years, values might change. What can we do if we can’t compromise again?

    I hope to get some insight. I am very new to this topic. I’ve been doing it for years, but never applied it with theory. Thank you.

    August 13, 2024 at 4:42 pm #436166
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sandy:

    You made a clear and convincing argument as to why you should not marry this woman, but break up instead: (1) you called the relationship toxic (“I realized that we are in a toxic relationship“), (2) she wants you to live with her and her parents, and you can’t (“she can only marry a man who can live with her parents after marriage, and I can’t because I want to live independently with my wife“), (3) you care about healthy eating habits, she and her parents do not (“I build healthy eating habits, while her family doesn’t“), (4) she and her parents are religious Muslims, you are not (“Her parents don’t know that I am not a religious Muslim, so it would be weird for them if I am not praying. She also lives in a very religious village, so I think the environment wouldn’t fit me well“), (5) you believe in privacy, she does not (“she always wants to know who messages me on WhatsApp or wants to know my social media passwords so she can check them anytime“), there are more differences that you pointed out, but the above is convincing enough (isn’t it?) that marriage with her is a bad idea (a bad idea for you and for her).

    “I must decide whether I should marry her or break up, and I have ended up with indecision for some time. What I know is that she thinks breaking up is a negative thing to do“- do you think that breaking up and preventing a troubled  and miserable marriage is a negative thing to do?

    “Also, I have some questions: 1. Should a couple have the same spiritual path/religion for marriage in order to have a healthy relationship and a happy marriage?“- not necessarily, but a couple has to have the same basic values and expectations in common, such as: living with, or not living with parents after marriage; keeping some privacy after marriage, or not; practicing a certain religion, or not.

    “2. Even if I choose another partner who can compromise with me (not her), after some years, values might change. What can we do if we can’t compromise again?“- focus on now, on your current situation, not on a future-maybe- situation. There are serious incompatibilities in this current relationship, now.

    anita

    August 14, 2024 at 3:33 am #436172
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Sandy

    I don’t believe that shared religion is important to marriage. I think that respecting each other’s choices is important. My husband is Buddhist and I am not religious, but I was brought up Christian. My husband’s father was Muslim whilst his mother is Christian.

    I think that compromise works both ways. It involves both parties listening and meeting in the middle. You don’t seem to want compromise currently. You just want things the way that you want them.

    Perhaps the reason your partner is scared about the relationship is because she can see that you don’t want the same things as her. She is just reaching for her reasons for why she is afraid and dealing with it in a weird way.

    A compromise might look like you having your own passwords but being willing to show her your phone when she asks. Another compromise might be your partner coming with you on trips. Another compromise might be living near your partner’s family or perhaps moving home and all living together in a different area. This is what compromise looks like.

    There are times when it is not possible to compromise and someone makes the choice to sacrifice something. The key is to take turns doing this. Sacrifices over time should be shared.

    If you want to end the relationship that is your decision. Compatibility is important, but so is understanding that if you pick and choose certain things, undoubtedly there will always be problems. You make decisions for what problems you can allow and which ones you don’t. If the goal is for no problems, that is a recipe for being alone.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    August 14, 2024 at 10:08 am #436189
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Sandy

    The relationship, the family & the village on the face of it are not conducive/supportive to spiritual exploration outside of their prescribed religion.  So if you are deeply committed to having the spiritual life of your choice then finish this relationship immediately and allow the girl & her family the chance to find a more suitable candidate to join their family/community.

    This may seem harsh & judgmental but it is not meant to be. Please look at the Buddhist teachings on what is and makes a precious human life, this could easily apply to any religion/spiritual enquirer. I am a practicing Buddhist and have several very good friends who are equally committed to their Christian belief, we are supportive of each others endevours and are respectful of any differences we may hold.

    I hope you find a supportive, trusting community & relationship.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    August 17, 2024 at 4:50 pm #436323
    Tommy
    Participant

    Agreed with those three above.

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