Dear Lauren:

If she said that she would have gotten your boyfriend a better gift than what you gave him; if that was her response knowing you gave him the gift she was commenting on, then obviously she is competing with you. There is the evidence, in that comment.

The fact that she has the history of cheating on her own husband at the time with a husband of another woman is very concerning, a valid reason to be concerned. She has the history of getting sexually involved with a man otherwise engaged, someone like your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend said there is no reason for you to be concerned about someone that doesn’t mean anything to him, is that what he said? If she means nothing to him, then why is he keeping contact with her? Maybe he can call the relationship with her off, maybe it reached its end point. Good for what it was good for and now, placed in the past.

I would tell him my concerns and ask him what his motivation is when communicating with her. What she means to him. It may also be a possibility that he will resent ending contact with her so not to feel controlled by you, not wanting you to tell him what to do, so pay attention to how you bring this up (gently, as calmly as you can, as non threatening to his sense of autonomy as possible, not arguing and not on the offensive) and pay attention to his responses, listen to what he says and evaluate any significant consistencies and inconsistencies in what he says.

Think before you speak to him about her so that you come across in a way that will encourage his honesty on the topic and not a defensive, less than honest reply.

anita

Why not just tell your boyfriend what you’d told us? You don’t need to hide behind stories of going on vacation or being sick in hopes that she’ll go away. She just barged into YOUR life. Stand up for yourself. If your guy gets it he should just tell this woman to piss off.

I know I suggested all those things, but believe me: If the OP (Original Poster) thought straight communication was the answer she would have done it by now! I was raised in the Art of the Soft “No”. If she gives a Hard “No” it sounds like she is afraid of rocking the boat by being “jealous” and “insecure”. And besides, if the other girl is dating one of his friends, the BF might not want to burn any bridges. In short, the GF doesn’t want to issue an ultimatum: “It’s Me or Her (Them)”.

But to answer her Real Question: NO! You are NOT overreacting! It is Real. She IS trying to undermine your relationship.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.

Dear Lauren:

You are welcome. You wrote: “my boyfriend is a grown man, i will never tell him what he can and cannot do. Just give him suggestions and hope that hes smart enough to make the right decisions.”

This is a good idea, to wait and see, if this is what you mean, wait and see if he does make the right decision about that woman. You already communicated to him what you feel about her and about his contact with her. He agreed with your evaluations and wants to distant himself from her. Now do watch and see, over time, if indeed he distanced himself from her. He probably would and problem solved. If he keeps contact with her though, your problem will be with him, not with her…?

anita