Confused.... - Tiny Buddha

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 5, 2015 at 1:29 am #88912

Sarah
Participant

Lately i have had some confidence issues that I have been dealing with, they are getting better with each day and my boyfriend has helped with that. Our relationship wasnt in a great spot, but is getting better again. We laugh much more now and argue way less.

There is a female friend in his life that he knew well before he met me. Over the past 6months, she has gotten closer to him – she goes to him for her problems etc. Especially when she was dating his friend. I had issues with her character from the start, mostly for the lack of respect she showed herself and her marriage when she cheated on her spouse – with a married man. She had her own issues and her own reasons for doing so, but i always just had a “women’s” intuition about her.

My boyfriend is a very knowledgeable and kind man, and offered his advice quite often to her, always just through text messages. He had always been open about their friendship and has been honest about things to me.

Lately, i feel like she has just been getting to close for comfort. She knows that hes dating me, in fact she knows me well enough and talks to me when she see’s me. His birthday just passed and she made a very personal and public post on a social media site praising him and wishing him a happy birthday. Although she might have meant well, in my eyes, she disrespected me and had crossed a line. Even my boyfriend thought it was inappropriate and asked her to remove the post. She did. She had even asked him what I got him for his birthday – and she said she would’ve got him something better for one of the gifts.

Am I just being jealous? Just seems like she is doing things that she know will upset me – maybe in hopes of disrupting our relationship? I feel that she has completely disrespected me and has done this on purpose. My boyfriend tells me that I shouldnt waste my time or energy on someone that does not matter in our lives, and i see his point. But how can i not let that bother me? I feel like she is stomping all over my relationship and trying to weasel her way in – which she has to some degree.

Do i say something to her? Do i let it go? Im just not sure how to deal with someone like this – im confident that my boyfriend does not care for her in any way. But, simply put, why cant she go out and find her own mr. right?

Is it ok to be mad? Whats fair?

December 5, 2015 at 2:26 am #88913

jock
Participant

If you think she’s crossed the line, then that is all that matters. Don’t worry what we think. Tell her to stop flirting and ask your boyfriend to cease all contact.

December 5, 2015 at 7:04 am #88918

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lauren:

If she said that she would have gotten your boyfriend a better gift than what you gave him; if that was her response knowing you gave him the gift she was commenting on, then obviously she is competing with you. There is the evidence, in that comment.

The fact that she has the history of cheating on her own husband at the time with a husband of another woman is very concerning, a valid reason to be concerned. She has the history of getting sexually involved with a man otherwise engaged, someone like your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend said there is no reason for you to be concerned about someone that doesn’t mean anything to him, is that what he said? If she means nothing to him, then why is he keeping contact with her? Maybe he can call the relationship with her off, maybe it reached its end point. Good for what it was good for and now, placed in the past.

I would tell him my concerns and ask him what his motivation is when communicating with her. What she means to him. It may also be a possibility that he will resent ending contact with her so not to feel controlled by you, not wanting you to tell him what to do, so pay attention to how you bring this up (gently, as calmly as you can, as non threatening to his sense of autonomy as possible, not arguing and not on the offensive) and pay attention to his responses, listen to what he says and evaluate any significant consistencies and inconsistencies in what he says.

Think before you speak to him about her so that you come across in a way that will encourage his honesty on the topic and not a defensive, less than honest reply.

anita

December 5, 2015 at 8:52 am #88934

Inky
Participant

Hi Lauren,

If she shamelessly had an affair when she AND the other man were married, then BELIEVE me, she does NOT take “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationships seriously!!

I had something like this, and I will tell you/warn you that in the process of making it better, it WILL get worse/escalate.

The process is simple: Your BF should let her texts hang. Pretty soon she will be tired and feel a little pathetic for talking to herself via her texts to him. Then she will call, “I’m worried.” “Is everything OK” “Are you mad at me”.

YOUR response (when she inevitably calls YOU), “Oh, not at all, we are just so busy!”

Then change the script: Go on vacation, be “sick”, say you’re going on a Social Media fast (that you two post on Social Media), say you “lost” the cell phone!, be busy, take a class weekend nights, get playhouse tickets, or seasonal sports/museum tickets so you are physically GONE when she wants to get together.

If he responds never or rarely, she will feel like an idiot. She WILL make a stink, but she WILL move on to another victim.

Good Luck!

Inky

December 5, 2015 at 9:12 am #88936

TriangleSun
Participant

Why not just tell your boyfriend what you’d told us? You don’t need to hide behind stories of going on vacation or being sick in hopes that she’ll go away. She just barged into YOUR life. Stand up for yourself. If your guy gets it he should just tell this woman to piss off.

December 5, 2015 at 9:40 am #88941

Anonymous
Guest

Ditto TriangleSun’s comment. Straightforward communication, tell it like it is, no lies, no bs, just say it! Kindly, but say it. No compromising the truth. I am a firm believer of truth. If I “have to” tell stories that are not true so to make things happen my way… unless it is a life and death situation, I will not do that. it is not worth it. I feel strongly about this!
anita

December 5, 2015 at 12:03 pm #88945
Inky
Participant
I know I suggested all those things, but believe me: If the OP (Original Poster) thought straight communication was the answer she would have done it by now! I was raised in the Art of the Soft “No”. If she gives a Hard “No” it sounds like she is afraid of rocking the boat by being “jealous” and “insecure”. And besides, if the other girl is dating one of his friends, the BF might not want to burn any bridges. In short, the GF doesn’t want to issue an ultimatum: “It’s Me or Her (Them)”.

But to answer her Real Question: NO! You are NOT overreacting! It is Real. She IS trying to undermine your relationship.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
December 5, 2015 at 3:34 pm #88952

Sarah
Participant

Thanks everyone for your wonderful opinions! I needed to hear it from others that she is in fact stepping on my toes – just as i thought she was. My boyfriend has aggreed that she has – and said hes going to distance himself from her. Inky you’re correct when you said that i dont want to “rock the boat” persay – my boyfriend is a grown man, i will never tell him what he can and cannot do. Just give him suggestions and hope that hes smart enough to make the right decisions. I would never make him choose, thats just not how I work. He has told me that I am the priority in the relationship, so i believe that from his end. I just dont trust her as far as i could throw her. i just feel so disrespected from someone who claimed to be a “friend”.

He is fully aware of my feelings for her, ive had no issues communicating that towards him. I still have some feelings that I would like to share, and Anita you’re correct in that I should think clearly before i speak to make sure that i dont come across to aggressively.

Also, he did have the same views that if we slowly just ignore her – she’ll get bored and quit. Which im hoping is the case because i am not a confrontational person and would not want to confront her unless i absolutely needed too.

December 5, 2015 at 8:14 pm #88992

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lauren:

You are welcome. You wrote: “my boyfriend is a grown man, i will never tell him what he can and cannot do. Just give him suggestions and hope that hes smart enough to make the right decisions.”

This is a good idea, to wait and see, if this is what you mean, wait and see if he does make the right decision about that woman. You already communicated to him what you feel about her and about his contact with her. He agreed with your evaluations and wants to distant himself from her. Now do watch and see, over time, if indeed he distanced himself from her. He probably would and problem solved. If he keeps contact with her though, your problem will be with him, not with her…?

anita
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