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Confused about friendship

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #212229

    Victor
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am in a very difficult situation in my life. I have a friend about whom I am very confused about whether he is my real friend or not. He is a kind of person who keeps boasting about himself a lot. Earlier in the start of friendship I used to not mind about it but now after a few months it has started to irritate me. I try and talk to him and all I hear are replies against what I say. For eg: when I ask him to meet, he always has an excuse like he is busy with him family or that he does not have time to  meet due to office commitments, other activities etc. I tried to understand but now I am feeling a bit weird because I believe I am the only person who is trying to save the friendship.

    It has now become like a difficult task to talk to him about anything. All I get to hear are lectures whenever I try to talk about anything. I am confused whether he is really a true friend or not. Please help

    #212289

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Victor:

    From reading your short post it reads to me that he is not a true friend simply because he repeatedly chose and is choosing to not spend time with you.

    You wrote that he boasted a lot, can you give a few examples of his boasting and how you responded to him boasting?

    anita

    #212351

    Victor
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your reply. There have been several occasions where he tries to prove himself superior. Recently, I made a trip to Bali and bought some gifts for him. When I met him, he did not appreciate the gifts. He was looking at them and trying to find bad things about the gifts. Then he was like you just spent this much on the gift that is so less. In the end he asked me approximately how much did I spend on the trip and when I gave him a breakdown he started to compare it with him trip and boasted about how much more he spend. I responded to all of this by just listening and nodding.

    I am confused whether or not he was my friend or not. I see some events where he supported me when I was in bad shape, he did not left my side during that time when I may have said him so much bad words. Thinking of that, I feel may be he was a true friend and it is my fault. On the other hand, I see a lot of other stuff like not taking out time to meet. If ever I ask him to meet me, all I hear are excuses like he is busy with work etc. More than that he tells me he has priorities for his family and work which makes me think am I the one who does not have priority for his work?

    There have been several other occasions but I never ever left the side from my friend. I have known him for 6 months and being alone in this city I have considered him as my family. No matter what has happened, I always took pride in my friendship and respected it. I did whatever I could for my friend with full heart. In the end I see a person who does not even cares to read my messages and reply me.

     

     

    #212355

    Mark
    Participant

    Victor,

    It is good to know how we each define friendship.  What it means to be a good friend can mean something entirely different for you than for this other guy.

    For me, defining what a good friend is means that he/she has to be a good person.  Also the friendship has to be equal and reciprocal.

    I also come to define different levels of friendship.  There are the close and intimate friends with whom I can count on and share things deeply.  There are the activity friends with whom I hang out with.   There are other levels and there are some that crosses between the levels as well.  For me it is important for true friends to be loving, kind, loyal and people I can count on.

    You can determine what sort of people you want to be considered as a friend.  Note: I believe it is how you value yourself determines what kind of friend you choose to have in your life.

    Mark

    #212359

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Victor:

    Mark’s post to you is perfect, I believe, in explaining friendship. I hope you take the time to read, re-read and understand it well.

    From your description, your friend (?) was very rude to you when you brought him gifts from Bali, asking how much you spent on the gifts and then telling you the gifts are worth less than what you paid for them. If he was kind (and not rude) he would not have asked you how much you spent on them, and he would have told you what he liked about this gift and how well he can use the other gift. He would have said thank you, with a smile.

    You wrote that on other occasions, when you were in a bad shape, he supported you. Maybe he does like to feel superior, so when you are in bad shape he supports you, but when you are in good shape, being able to go on a trip to Bali, for examples, then he brings you down and hurts you. This means that he wanted to see you down and he wanted to keep you down, so to feel like he is more than you at all times.

    Do you think this is the case?

    I was also wondering what bad words you told him (“I may have said him so much bad words”)?

    anita

    #212361

    Victor
    Participant

    Thanks Mark and Anita,

    Mark, I totally agree with your point on friendships and how to recognize friends. I get too much engrossed in friendships and usually trust the wrong person. If a person does something nice for me a few times I start thinking he is a very loving and caring person and I trust them blindly.

    Anita, your post was a eye opener for me. I really think that you are right about he trying to feel superior to others. I have seen pride in my friend at certain occasions. One such example was when he tried to trap a girl knowing that the girl had a boyfriend. He used to think that he can win over any girl and make them leave their boyfriend for him. More disturbing was the fact that he himself had a relationship and never used to accept the relationship in public in front of friends. Regarding the bad words, when I get angry I tend to say anything and in that time I have said things like he is not a good friend etc.

    #212363

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Victor:

    You are welcome.

    When you told him that he “is not a good friend”, these are not bad words and they were true words, he is not a good friend, or a good person.

    You wrote in your recent post: “If a person does something nice for me a few times I start thinking he is a very loving and caring person and I trust them blindly”- you highly value love and trust.

    But your .. (not) friend values power, not love (he tried to have power over you and over women). And he doesn’t value trust (he tries to influence women so that they will betray the trust of their boyfriends).

    When a person does something nice for you, appreciate what they did but don’t jump into blindly trusting them. As you can see, this man did some nice things for you but he is not a loving person and he is not trustworthy. So get to know a person better, get to know their values and then decide if the person is trustworthy or not.

    Is he or was he a friend to you? Depending on the definition of a friend. According to my definitions of friends and enemies he is more of an enemy, acting against your well-being, not for your well being.

    anita

    #212461

    Victor
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes you are right. It seems more than a friend he is an enemy. Thanks for your help.

    #212467

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Victor. Hope you meet a friend next. Do post again if you want to.

    anita

    #212475

    Victor
    Participant

    So, there was another event a few days back. It was an important day for me, I had a party on completion of my MBA and I had invited this person. This person did not show up and when my other friends asked him if he is coming he was showing as if he was not invited by me. Although, I had invited him 2 times. It was an important day for me and as a friend he should have showed up. I got super angry and told him how insensitive and a disgusting person he was.

    Do you think I should talk to him once?

    #212481

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Victor:

    You are asking if you should  talk to him again about him not showing up? If so, no I don’t think so. What would be the point of talking to a person who is not honest with you?

    You invited him and he told others that you didn’t invite him. That is a lie, isn’t it?

    If you talk to him, whatever he tells you may be a lie. How will you be able to tell.. the title of your thread is “Confused”- when you interact with a person who lies some of the time, you remain confused because you don’t know if any one thing he tells you is true or not.

    anita

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