Home→Forums→Relationships→confused about my marriage, I think I want out!
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June 27, 2018 at 8:48 am #214345
Opal
ParticipantI have been with my husband for 28 years, married for 21. We had a daughter who has recently left home and I am wondering what is left! Its so confusing but I feel that there is just nothing in this relationship any more!
My husband is essentially a good guy. He is an alcoholic, drinks every single night, sometimes too much but generally falls asleep….I kind of make sure I am quiet so he does. I have had so much more time to think now my daughter has gone and realised I have developed all sorts of ‘coping’ technics.
Right from the beginning he used to get cranky when he drank, sometimes attacking my emotional and mental being. I learnt to close up, not say stuff and ‘keep the peace’! When our daughter came along, he wasn’t all that involved with the day to day stuff. I was the one who had to get up, even if I was tired or sick. He changed 2 nappies in his time. He would get really cranky at her even as a little one, I learnt to keep her quiet, or entertained, propping up her ego. Then, he would be so kind, having fun and letting her do all the stuff he got mad at before! As she grew, he was still rarely involved. I was the one who took her to sports, school, everywhere. I was the only one who taught her how to drive (except the 2 half hour sessions). He would still get cranky at her, I spent hours in her room, talking to her, telling her this or that was not her fault, that she was a good person. I did discuss with her about alcoholism and how that effects personalities. I tried to shield her. She also learnt ‘coping’ techniques and I feel guilty that she has had to learn these things so early in her life….should I have left earlier!? All this time, I was the one working full time in a shared business. I have also been the only one who has paid the bills, done book work, done all the shopping and cooking, sorted things out, most of the cleaning, all of the washing…its been exhausting but I did it because it needed to be done and I was it. My husband has not been into a bank or supermarket more than 10 times in 28 years.
As a family, holidays were always stressful. We get up early and if i am tired, I get called cranky and that I am ruining the holiday before it begins! He becomes very moody and daughter and I feel the need to tiptoe around. He never wants to come to dinner, so daughter and I go together (I mean, gee, we are on holiday!) Then he bags us both out about wanting to eat all the time! (we are both slim). He constantly complains about money being spent! Us women just ‘cope’ and ‘pretend’ that nothing is wrong. He will play mind games and tell us he doesnt want to go anywhere with either of us and then decides at the last minute to join our tour or whatever. But he is in a hurry to get back to the hotel….most unenjoyable.
Ok, Then on a more personal note….our sex life….or total lack of it! I am not talking about a few months…but YEARS! he lost interest in me years ago, I tried, but there was no interest there…as I said, I am not an unpleasant person to look at, I dont think!? But for the last 10-12 years I have given up and that seems to suit him. I used to be a unloving person and would joke and tickle and try and spice stuff up…he hates being tickled, hates everything I do in bed. Once I woke him up touching him, trying to entice him…he pushed me away and told me he felt like I raped him! Lucky there are toys 🙂
We have no shared interests. I am not into the pub or golf which are his only two interests. And I love doing all sorts of things. I am involved with committees, and love art and lots of stuff. Even reading a book or watching a movie….none of that interests him. I work in a shop and sometimes want to chat about interesting people…he always interrupts my story and asks where its going! we dont even sit in the same room at night now, taking turns going to the spare room to watch our tv. So I just dont bother now.
Now my daughter has left home and comes to visit, he is Mr nice guy to her, Its freaking me out a bit. Nice to see them getting on and said as much recently. she answered that yes it was nice but she expects nothing and wonders how long it will last.
My mind and my heart are all swirling around. I dont have very many friends….I feel like there is so much emotional energy spent in my day to day life, I haven’t got a lot left. Also, our friends are shared (couples) and I am scared to talk to them. I am happiest when he occasionally goes away. Then, when he due home I get all nervous…is everything clean enough, are the plants looking ok, etc etc. He will usually pick something I have missed and make an offhand comment on it. I think thats what it is, he does a lot of little offhand comments, little tit bits to attack something I have or haven’t done. Jabs. And in an argument he will not let me have emotions…he is better than me at arguing, and attacks my weak points. Then I get flustered and back off. I am not ‘permitted’ to be cranky or tired because he will always get angry and moody. He has a few times really gotten angry..like grabbing my throat and pinning me against the wall, fist in my face. He has smashed things and putting his fist through wardrobes and doors. He grabbed our daughter round the neck once too. So there is that fear that the latent monster could come back. My daughter is an amazing person, she has become a kind and considerate person but does have some anxiety issues which i think comes from her upbringing. I have tried to keep the mother away from the friend and have always been honest with her to a degree. I never wanted to be the mum who bags her father, but I also dont feel its right to pretend nothing is happening when there is obviously a problem. I have not mentioned my desire to leave him.
Writing this down has made me see that for much of my life with this man has been a pretend game. I am his carer not his wife! I feel like I am an employee who needs to behave in a certain way! I am sorry if this is so long, when I started I just couldn’t stop. I would like to just tell someone my story and get some feedback. I do have a place to go to ( we have a residence at the shop we own with other partners). I dont want to leave because I want someone else, just to have some peace in my life. To maybe find out who I used to be, to find the unloving and genuine caring person that I am sure am inside. I have tried to talk to him over the years, he either tells me I am off my head, to F**k off, or yeah yeah yeah….nothing changes so now we are reduced to mindless meaningless conversation. He pretends there is nothing wrong.
Help, how do I leave a guy when there seems to be no major reason? How do I tell him?? Im scared and feel so alone. Cant even talk to my mother cause she is depressed about loosing my dad 3 1/2 years ago and I feel like I support her more than she is a mother to me! I need people…please
June 27, 2018 at 9:08 am #214419Anonymous
GuestDear Opal:
You wrote: “how do I leave a guy when there seems to be no major reason?”- there are a few major reasons, only none is new. All the major reasons to leave him have been going on for a long, long time.
There are major reasons to leave. There is no reason to stay, no reasonable reason.
I don’t see hope in this long overdue marriage. You (and your daughter) are used by now to tiptoe. If you lived alone, or away from him, you will tiptoe for quite some time. And you will be afraid that you didn’t water the plants, or that you didn’t clean this or that properly. But after some time, you will not be so cautious anymore. I hope this will be true for your daughter as well.
Are you afraid of that latent monster you mentioned, that he will hurt you physically when he knows you want to leave?
anita
June 27, 2018 at 9:42 am #214427Mark
ParticipantOpal,
I agree with what anita has said.I use two criteria when I make life decisions: Am I coming from Love or from Fear? AND Will I regret this when I die?
You mention about being so scared. What are you fearing? His response when you tell him you are leaving? Your life after him? Or … ?
I suggest first make a decision on leaving then figure out the way how. It seems you have not firmly decided yet. Do that first. Then the rest are a matter of practical steps to determine and implement.
Mark
June 28, 2018 at 4:13 pm #214631Pamela
ParticipantI suggest reading a book, it is called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. Very helpful in making this life decision. Wishing you much future happiness & mental clarity!
–pamela
June 29, 2018 at 9:59 am #214711Nan
ParticipantI also agree that the book mentioned above is excellent for figuring what to do. dont wait too long. I also didn’t think that the reasons I had for not loving him anymore and wanting to leave due to emptiness and lack of love were enough. It seemed the offside comments, the feeling that I wasn’t up to his standards of cleanliness and lovemaking, and everything in between, felt bad and this was considered an emotional abuse. Not every abuse in a marriage is related to a black eye, or drinking away the paycheck. It is the small “drips on the stone” that wear you away until there is little left.
Please think seriously about this. It is too late for me. I thought long and hard for 4 years now ( married 38 years next month) and did nothing. I became paralyzed. Had only fear of the unknown and fear of no emotional support from friends, to slam the door behind me. I am now trapped, as I am losing my sight in one eye, and have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, that will make me a virtual prisoner and dependent on him. I had made all the plans, saved money, and still did nothing to leave. I am now trapped. Don’t wait too long, time marches on.
June 29, 2018 at 5:08 pm #214759Opal
ParticipantThank You Anita,
I was humbled that you read and replied so quick.
I think in my mind I have made the decision, I am not sure what I am afraid of? But it is nice to know someone out there in the big wide world has taken time to read and reply. Will keep you all informed.
June 29, 2018 at 5:13 pm #214761Opal
ParticipantThanks Mark,
I feel pretty sure I have made the decision to leave. I keep wandering around the unit at the back of our shop and planning how to live there. I am not sure why I am scared…I dint think so much his reaction, but maybe my daughters reaction!? And starting out again after so long?? I am lonely now so that doesnt worry me, I feel I would grow as a person so in a way I am looking forward to it….I have made the decision! Just not how!!
June 29, 2018 at 5:23 pm #214763Opal
ParticipantNan,
Wow! I wish I knew where you were…I would be thee for you. You are so right about the drips on a stone….Thats what slow torture is isn’t it. I do have to leave! I have to find my happy self and I am pretty sure that person is still around somewhere. I feel trapped now, I cant see myself as a happy person for the rest of my life if I stay. I see couples come into my shop, they are holidaying and seem happy and caring toward each other. They laugh and have smiles in their eyes. I also see single ladies come in, full of life and enthusiasm….I want to be a person like that! I have told myself every day that I am a good person, that people care about me and enjoy my company. i tell myself I am worthy. I am crying as I type! I shouldn’t have to tell myself this every day, I should know it, it should be a given! And someone else should tell me this too. I dont want to be trapped! and I will endeavour to become unparalyzed…for the both of us!!!! Thank you and bless you
June 29, 2018 at 10:02 pm #214769Mark
ParticipantOpal,
The “how” to leave? First get legal and financial advice to make sure your ducks are in a row. The practicalities will flow from there. Probably there are support forums for women like you from those who have been there, done that to offer their experienced advice.
Good luck!
Mark
June 30, 2018 at 2:04 am #214775Opal
ParticipantThanks…so nice to have some sort of support 🙂
Legals and financials are all in my hands anyway. House under my sole name, all accounts under my name…so it is me who needs to be fair and kind ;)….which I plan to be. So long as I can have extra for some furniture and stuff, i am happy to share. I would love to think we could be friends…for the family sake. but will have to see and take what I get.
Thanks for the good luck!
June 30, 2018 at 2:36 am #214779Anonymous
GuestDear Opal:
You are welcome. There is a difference between feeling trapped and being trapped. A young child is trapped with an abusive parent, a war prisoner is trapped when held captive by the enemy, a victim of crime is trapped when held at gun point. But a married woman is most often, not trapped, but afraid. There is a difference.
I hope you make your move for your own well-being and please do post again.
anita
July 17, 2018 at 11:58 pm #217375Opal
ParticipantOk, on sunday I made the move! I have been stressing and ‘waiting’ for some miracle to happen that would make it easy, all my eczema has flared up and I have a cold (I am never normally sick) so on sunday I am sitting there and finally told myself there is no easy way….so I told him I was leaving. It was THE worst emotional day I have ever had. So many tears, so much pain. He was devastated, never saw it coming because he has always been so good at not seeing issues or problems. He was begging me to stay, then finally he did say he would leave for a bit so I could pack some stuff.
Since then I feel within myself that I have done the right thing and even had moments of happiness. I have also seen more pain in my husband than I ever want! The devastation and pain from him is nearly unbearable. He didnt eat for a couple of days, he seems like such a broken man, and although my daughter said she understood, she was so upset on the phone today, we both cried so much. She was so worried about him, she felt it her ‘duty’ to come home and look after him. I asked her not to. He is incredibly emotionally attached to me, dependant on everything, he (and I have let him I guess) has made a life for himself that allows him to think of nothing but his mining work and his drinking. He just tells me what he needs, beer, etc and then goes off golfing (even his mates pick him up) so he can drink.
I so wish there was a way I could do this without the pain, without the tears. but I also know that I need to do this for myself. I will be responsible for pain and hurting of a lot of my most loved people and I guess I just have to wear that. My mother in law rang yesterday, she knew something was up, She said how sad she was but understood how difficult things have been and our relationship won’t change (thank god). My sister in law rang and gave me her support too, sad support but understanding and support. My mother never really liked him so she was ok, sad too but ok. I dont think he has told anyone, except my daughter told him she knew when she rang. So he is all alone, its not making things better. He didnt go to work yesterday, said he couldn’t and this morning when he rang he said he was never going to go to work again…After my talk to my daughter I told her I would go out and talk to him, when I got there, he had gone to work and I saw that there was a frypan been used, so I know he ate. I texted and told her that. I am happy to help him learn the things in life he needs to do, but I can not help him with his pain….and for that I am so very sad
July 18, 2018 at 3:15 am #217393Anonymous
GuestDear Opal:
Congratulations for making the move! You did the right thing for yourself and for him and everyone else who is part of your life.
You wrote about his reaction to you leaving (and about your reaction to his pain): “He was devastated… begging me to stay… seen more pain in my husband.. The devastation and pain from him is nearly unbearable. He didn’t eat… seems like such a broken man…He didn’t go to work yesterday…said he was never going to go to work again… he had gone to work… he ate… I can not help him with his pain”
First, part of his pain may be his efforts to manipulate you to pity him and go back to living with him, to undo what is right for you. Notice he said he “was never going to go to work again”, but he did go back to work.
Second, his pain was there all along while you lived with him, and will be there if you went back to him. It is there now and it was there then. Here are indications of his pain when you lived with him, taken from your original post: “He is an alcoholic, drinks every single night… Right from the beginning he used to get cranky when he drank…He would get cranky at her even as a little one… He would still get cranky at her… He becomes very moody… He constantly complains… he will always get angry and moody… He has smashed things…”
His pain was there from the beginning of the marriage and before that.
Notice: following the excitement of having made the move, you will probably have other feelings besides the sadness over his pain. When that happens, I hope you post here.
anita
July 18, 2018 at 4:40 am #217409Opal
ParticipantThank you Anita. I do realise that I am still doing and saying and worrying about what he says/feels/acts….habit! 28 years…I guess it will take a bit of time to remove that….I have been a fixer upper for so long…but I do see that…thank you for reading and making notes and pointing out what some part of my brain already knows. I had a conversation with him this evening, he said he was sorry that he had bought our relationship to this point, he understood that he was going to be single…that I wasn’t coming back. That felt like a relief to me. I am still scared to go and get more stuff from home…I only fear his pain….and yes, I do think the words he used were manipulative words…I spoke to my daughter who was ready to come home to ‘look after’ him cause he ‘doesn’t know how to do anything ‘ I convinced her to keep her plans, to be with her friends and to stay away! She feels guilt! That saddens me so. I and she need to learn that’s it’s ok to do what makes us happy….because we deserve it!
July 18, 2018 at 6:17 am #217443Anonymous
GuestDear Opal:
You are welcome. I hope you continue what you started by leaving him, and that is modelling to your daughter healthy behavior. The right thing to do, the healthy thing to do often doesn’t feel right, because the distress that caused us to engage in unhealthy behavior to start, is still there. So we have to endure the discomfort in doing what is healthy. Good example to your daughter.
anita
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