Men do not express our feelings or let them out. If that happened then people in our lives would look down upon us. People would think we are weak to show feelings. That is the nature of men’s relationships. If you are not happy with him … Or rather if you are not happy with yourself then he will not make you happy. You must be happy with yourself and then his companionship will compliment your life. If you are not happy with yourself then his presence will only gnaw at your ideas of how your world should be. You will have left him before you actually physically leave him.

Most men will do what they can to please the women in their lives. And most men will shut up and take whatever their woman tells them. The man will then change and turn into something that is not the same as before. He will change into something that can survive the demands of his woman. May be short tempered, angry,…. but will take the criticism and the yelling from his woman. In the end, he will still not become that man that the woman wants.

What is the point? You want a perfect partner to you. An ideal man. It doesn’t exist. If you can not find your own happiness then you will not be happy. If you want to feel intimate and close to him then be intimate and close. It is probably certain that he would like to share this too. Being close and intimate with the woman he loves. If you do not show him then how would he know? How would he learn?

Spark? OMG, you want sparks or chemistry or that magic that means the man you have is the right one?? If only the world was as we imagined it to be. How happy we would be?? Reality is truth. No white knight on a magic steed. Looking for spark, you will never be happy. Happiness does not come from outside of oneself. If it does then you will be happy for a short while and then something else will be needed to make you happy again. And so the cycle goes on.

Dear antarkala:

You are welcome. I wonder if I understand correctly (please let me know if I do): generally, you enjoy a social life but you are also anxious in social situations, and therefore it drains you. You wish that your boyfriend would have made it easier for you in social situations: that he would take charge where you struggle and smoothen the way for you. It upsets you somewhat (you are disappointed) that he can’t. You think less of him because of that, thinking that he is not as.. qualified/ as strong as he should be to be your husband (something like that..?)

If this is what is going on, at least in part, then Tommy has a good point in his reply: traditionally, girls are raised to have very high and unrealistic, super human expectations from men, and they end up disappointed. Think of it this way, if you will: in every woman there is a little girl who is sometimes scared and needs help, but it is also true that in every man there is a little boy who is sometimes scared and needs help. Better see the boy in a man than see a prince on a pedestal.

There are many women who are attracted to what is referred to as bad boys, tough, insensitive and rude men who sacrifice their hearts for the appearance of strength. This doesn’t work out for the women, but it shows you how attractive (the appearance) of strength is to many women.

In reality, both women and men are weak and strong, both, and a good partnership is that of the two (man and woman) helping each other, encouraging and sharing each other’s strengths for the benefit of the team.

When a woman expresses to the man her unrealistic expectations of him, and her disappointment, it weakens the man.

Dating is the time to learn about the compatibility of the couple, but don’t let unrealistic expectations based in rigid gender roles get in your way of evaluating your compatibility with your boyfriend.

Is this helpful to you? Please let me know, I would like to explore this further and be helpful to you.

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation!

“I also want to mention honestly that, these days I feel jealous of my extrovert friends and I hate that I do. I love them and I want to see them happy. The fact that I’m feeling jealous is killing me – why do you think I am feeling this way?“- I figure, because you wish that you had it as easy as they seem to have it, wishing that socializing was as easy for you as it is (or appears to be) for them. Anxiety in general, and social anxiety in particular, rains on one’s parade, so to speak.

“I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you and I know it unconsciously influenced me…. I lived till 24 with my parents and I am very attached to them, I trusted they always will do the best for me… I don’t know what truth to believe in and how to take a decision. It is making me very indecisive and anxious“-

– she shouldn’t have said it. I suppose she has very high expectations of you and for you, wanting the very best for you. Problem is that the very best for you is to have confidence in your ability to make good choices for yourself. By telling you that he’s not good-enough for you, she’s giving you the message that you are not making a good choice.. and that leads you to feel very indecisive and anxious.

Parents are often not aware of how they come across, and how they negatively affect their children while wanting the best for them.

“I have become aware of this recently and this makes my decision making even harder – what do I trust now, who do I trust now?“- just like I suggested that you take your boyfriend off the pedestal, I am suggesting that you do the same in regard to your parents. It doesn’t mean that you stop loving them, of course. It’s just that you need to do this so to trust yourself to make good choices, to evaluate people correctly, to socialize well, etc., to believe that you are a competent, able adult, no longer a child dependent on her parents for guidance.

Part of taking them off the pedestal is to see that they have made the wrong choices themselves, that they make mistakes too. No one always makes good decisions, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Don’t expect perfection from anyone, not from your parents, not from your boyfriend, and not from yourself.

I hope that your parents do not generally present themselves as perfect, and never admit that they were wrong, or that they make mistakes (that can make taking them off the pedestal more difficult than otherwise).

“How do you think I should approach this situation. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, I don’t want to weaken him by showing my disappointment but at the same time, the reality that I expect my partner to help me out in social situation doesn’t change – how can I talk about this with him in a healthy way?“-

– first, do not express to him that you are disappointed in his social functioning, that will achieve the opposite of what you want to achieve: he will be less capable, not more. Secondly, identify a very specific, practical way in which you want him to help you, something that’s doable for him, instead of asking for help in a vague way. An example (and this is just an example), instead of saying: I would like you to help me feel more comfortable in the party tonight, say: when I am standing in a group with people at the party, can you stand by my side and hold my hand?

I hope to continue to communicate with you, for as long as you find it helpful.

anita

Dear antarkala:

You are welcome. “When I feel jealous, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be a friend. How do I approach this?“- (1) tell yourself the truth: that what we people feel is not our choice; it is only our vocalized words and actions taken that are subject to our choosing.

No choice (such as in feeling jealous)= no personal responsibility (no valid guilt).

(2) apply an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Imagine a little child who was jealous of other children, would you frown at the child and berate him/ her for feeling jealous, or would you gently ask the child what is bothering her, what’s behind the jealousy?  If you uncover what’s underneath your jealousy, you’ll find some old hurt: it’d be easier for you to feel empathy for yourself for hurting (underneath the jealousy) than for the jealousy itself.

“I want to understand where my social anxiety is coming from and how to overcome it“- the first society in a person’s life is the family one is born into. If a child was anxious in the context of that first, mini society, the child is likely to grow up to be anxious in the bigger society. For example, a child may have gentle, fair and loving parents, but if the parents are often anxious, worried about things, and the child notices it..  their anxiety naturally passes on to the child.

“I understand how what my mom told me influenced me… She told me, I just moved to a new country and I am taking this – decision in a mentally weak state, out of loneliness in the new country“- your mother had a good point there, a valid concern. From what you shared about your boyfriend though, he reads like a gentle.. non-dangerous guy at all, so you were not in danger with him.

“No, my parents do not present themselves as perfect“- good job on their part!

“I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families? My parents are getting older as well and they need company, we don’t have close ties with relatives and I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine. – Is it too much to ask?“- no, it’s not too much to ask, and it’s in your rights to ask for this. Therefore, before you consider marrying a man, get to know his feelings about both families being part of the marriage, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds, get the families together so that everyone can get to know each other.

Till next time we talk, take good care of yourself!

anita

Dear antarkala:

I read your recent post but being that it’s late (Tues) afternoon here and I am not as focused as I need to be, I would like to re-read and reply Wed morning. Please feel free to add anything you’d like to add so to lead me to better understanding. I will say tis one thing now: I am sure that you are not (!) using your trauma as an excuse!

anita

Dear  antarkala:

It occurred to me, this one point, so i thought I’d let you know what it is before replying at more length tomorrow:

“he will never be satisfied.. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong”- this means that he is not likely to approve of your choice of a husband, whomever the man, and if you wait for his approval.. well, it is not a good idea to expect his approval, to wait for it.

anita

Dear antarkala:

This morning, I will be re-reading all your posts and commenting as I go along, keeping in mind what you shared later, as I comment on what you shared earlier:

“I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests“- reads like an intelligent, mature attitude and practice on your part: getting into a relationship with a man you’ve known for three years as friends, finding out his goals, values and interests, and seeing that there is a match in these.

There is love and he is independent, kind, career-driven, supportive, puts in the effort, and he is a wonderful person: “We love each other very much and are independent, kind, career-driven… he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me..  He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends… he has a wonderful personality…  he is a wonderful person all in all“.

“Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“- to thoroughly understand what is missing in the relationship, you have to first understand what is missing within you.. something missing that you brought into the relationship. Understanding the latter, will give you an accurate understanding of the former.

It will not be easy to explore that which is missing-within because strong emotions are involved. If you see the need for such exploration and are willing to do so, to some extent, here on your thread, please do and read what’s next in my post:

“I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad… My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreacting – sometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse... my mom was anxious and worried quite often… I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out… if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her… Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years!“-

– I selectively boldfaced the above because I will be asking you questions, in this post, only about the boldfaced, as part of the exploration I mentioned above. Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions, and those you choose to answer, you are welcome to answer only to the extent you are comfortable with. (I will not be asking you questions that in my mind are too distressing to answer):

1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond?

2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse?

3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant?

4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up?

anita