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Confused and Heartbroken

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  pussycatlover 2 months ago.

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  • #140411

    pussycatlover
    Participant

    I am a bit nervous about this so bear with me. I am in a really weird situation. I met this guy online a few years ago. I had a wesbite and we talked a few times on it over a number of years. Nothing personal at all. But, then I joined social media and things changed. We began to chat a little more frequently about certain topics pertaining to my website etc. He did tell me a few personal details and he seemed very interested in chatting to me. Again, it was nothing very personal, but I did find myself liking him more and more. I thought that he liked me from the way that we chatted. He didn’t say so and he didn’t make any romantic gestures. Something inside told me that we had some sort of connection and I hoped that maybe something would happen maybe. I sent him private message just to say hello and for some reason, he told me that he had a girlfriend in another country. I was very upset by this and ended up telling him that I liked him. He took it well and we never really said anything about it afterwards.

    We chatted again and again and he always seemed interested to talking to me. He told me some personal things when he sent me direct messages and I wondered if he was interested to me again(stupid, I know). I couldn’t help me feelings and I tried everything to shut them off. I tried ignoring him, not thinking about him etc and nothing worked. Last week, he sent me a message asking for my opinion on something that he was working on and he seemed really interested in what I thought about it. I gave him advice and he seemed so thankful for my help. It felt as if we were getting a bit closer as he told me personal things about his life. I felt like maybe he did like me but was holding back for some reason. Last night, I sent him a message just to see how his project was coming along and he told me that it wasn’t and that he was not going to continue with it. I was surprised and disappointed. I had a feeling that something was coming and then he told me that he was married and expecting a baby with his wife. I was shocked. I hadn’t realised that the guy was married. I knew that he had kids, but I had just assumed that he had a girlfriend as he had told me and I thought that as he never mentioned her that maybe that relationship had finished. I couldn’t talk to him any more after that and I just shut off from all social media. I know that he never said that he liked me or anything but I did honestly believe that he did. I feel like such a fool. I am also really upset as I know that he never really liked me and that he must think of me as just a friend. I am so upset by this. I know that we never really had anything together, but I did hope that maybe something might happen. Now, that is all gone and I do feel as if I have lost something, even though it was not real.I need advice !

    #140419

    anita
    Participant

    Dear pussycatlover:

    When you told him that you liked him and he “took it well”- what do you mean by him taking it well: what did he communicate to you?

    anita

    #140469

    pussycatlover
    Participant

    He said that he was flattered and that was the end of it

    #140473

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi pussycatlover,

    People like having sub-worlds where it’s like the other parts of their lives don’t exist for that one moment and place in time. The computer is perfect for this! So what you had WAS real ~ in the context of your website. If you met him IRL, what would that look like? He probably lives prohibitively far away, and I bet he’s fat, bald, old and/or unemployed ~ no matter what his profile pictures might “tell” you.

    Let it go or accept it at face value for what it is. There is a name for what you two are. They call it “friends”.

    Best,

    Inky

    #140481

    anita
    Participant

    Dear pussycatlover:

    As far as the guy is concerned, he was most likely flattered, and he was likely acting two ways: being… almost loyal to his partner (referring to her as a girlfriend at first, then wife) and at the same time being … almost flirtatious with you. I don’t think he thought of you strictly as a friend, an online friend, that is, but as a friend who likes him in a romantic way, which made him feel nice.

    On your part you spent a long, long time hoping and hanging on to his words in hope that something more promising will develop. I am thinking you are shy otherwise (?), meaning preferring this distant knowing-not-knowing back and forth with a guy to an in-person direct communication with a man?

    Does it feel safer online, like this experience has been for you?

    anita

    #140487

    Lacienaga
    Participant

    Hi pussycatlover,

    It isn’t wrong that you felt excited by building a connection with him. You’re human. You aren’t a fool. However, I notice you say how you “thought he just had a girlfriend” and that’s concerning in my opinion because as long as he is in a monogamous relationship, he is emotionally unavailable to you. In the future, it would be good to ask clear-cut questions and have better boundaries so that you know what is actually happening.

    In addition, as he said he was flattered – he had knowledge of how you felt but did not reciprocate in the way that you had hoped. He continued speaking to you and giving you details when really, he should have been upfront and let you know that he was not interested in pursuing you.

    I hope that you can heal well,

    Lacienaga

    #140509

    pussycatlover
    Participant

    Well, when he said that he had a girlfriend I did not say anything or do anything that would be misunderstood.In fact I kept my distance and I rarely communicated with HIM.It was HE who sent me messages.HE kept talking to me and inititating contact .I totally withdrew for a while.Then as he kept talking to me I became confused about his intentions.Yes it was wrong on my part to think that he liked me but I can’t switch off feelings.It isn’t easy

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