Hi, Feathering my nest, reposted and shortened a bit here 🙂

Hi, I am a 30 year old female. I have found out about this site and found out that people here are supportive, positive and non-judgemental. I have some problem with my relationships which I find nobody could really understand me. To put i shortly, I have a long term boyfriend and a recent new guy which got me so confused and regret about the choices I made. I am someone who is always looking for love, not really into casual relationships as I value people who are close to me deeply and its easy for me to form a bond to them. I would consider myself a romantic.

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3+ years. We had been staying together throughout most of our relationship until last December. He has to move to a new city which is about 3 hours flight away. He is an introvert and very quiet. He is interesting when you could get him talking, but most of the time, he prefers to keep to himself and be quiet. I am not exactly an extrovert, but I do enjoy more outings with friends than he would. I had perceive him as someone I love to be with for the rest of my life from the few months we were together until recently. He is not a romantic, which is something I enjoyed in a relationship but I think or thought I could do without it as long as we are both deeply in love with each other. I used to hint him that I love romantic relationships, or surprises, but he was deeply offended that I had try to change the way he is. We also has communication problems. He doesn’t like to communicate, prefer to keep things to himself, and it has really become a problem when he moved to a new city. He doesn’t like phone calls, and seldom texts. he doesn’t think it’s a problem.

I am someone who enjoys deep affectionate relationship, I love to have a partner who could talk and share with me about things and life, even tiny little ones. And I got so confused about whether it’s possible to love someone but keep them so distant. I don’t know what is going on with his life, and he usually contacts me only when he has something to ask me. I had confronted him about my feelings and I do not think he take it as serious as I would have wanted it. He told me I am important to him, it is just the way he is that he doesn’t like to share things.

This had never been a problem when we stayed together because I can always know what he is thinking, but even then, he doesn’t really share his personal things with me. I became disappointed and confused about whether he really did love me and started to doubt if this is the kind of relationship or marriage I want for the rest of my life. It seems to me now that he is self-centered and not willing to change or accommodate the way I want in a relationship. So I had come to realise the only way to solve the issue is that I should either accept the way he is or walk out from it. But it was a happy time when we stay together, why wouldn’t it be when we were together again in the future?

In the midst of me doubting this relationship, I have began to try avoiding to tell people about my boyfriend, as I fear it wouldn’t last. And that was then I met a guy through one of my close friend. He is a few years younger than me and is a complete opposite of what my boyfriend is.

From just the first few outings, I could see that he is interested in me. He likes to share things he knows I like through social media to me, and being really nice to me. To be honest, I really enjoy the attention and the kind of treatment he is giving to me, but that’s really it, I had no feelings for him and I still love my boyfriend initially.

Perhaps I was feeling lonely, one day we hugged and we kissed. And short while after that, I found out he actually had a long distance relationship with a long term girlfriend. He was honest with me and he also knew I had a boyfriend later on, we never talk about where this relationship would lead to but he is treating me like he would treat a serious girlfriend. We had not slept together, and he respect my boundaries when we made out. He is a nice and sweet guy and the relationship I am having with him is something I longed for, the kind of dream relationship. He told me that I made him comfortable to be in his own skin and love with no regrets.

I felt kind of sorry for him because I know I was enjoying his company but deep down I still love my boyfriend and feel trapped with the way he is treating me. And this relationships simply complicate things more. I used to brush of the sweet words he said to me because I was thinking if he loves me so, why would he still be with his girl? Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time? He had his own problems with his girlfriend, we used to talk through nights, we enjoyed each other’s company and we can be entirely honest with each other.

During our relationship, he grow cold to his girlfriend, and starts spending a lot of time with me even when his girl is in town. I could see that though I had not intended to destroy their relationship, in fact I halready did. I do feel guilty about it, and questioned about my relationship with my boyfriend too. He makes me feel like I am deserving of a relationship where intimacy and deep honest conversation is possible. I thought of ending both relationship together at one time when he is away, but then I couldn’t do it when I see him again.

During this period, I had also see my boyfriend and I attempt to sort things out again regarding the communication problem, the new guy is very supportive of me. He told me that he loves me and therefore he would love to see me happy be it with him or not. I guessed I really did fell for his words after all.

Recently though, during a month long work trip of him, he had suddenly grow cold towards me. He still texts me and reply my messages but I could detect it wasn’t exactly the same as before. Until he came back from the work trip, the change is more obvious than before. When I confronted him, he told me he broke up with his girlfriend during the trip, and at the same time had a crush with his childhood friend. I got so heartbroken and feel so betrayed, at the same time confused about whether I had actually fallen in love with him. I immediately ask for a stop for our relationship but still remain a friend. He is apologetic, and I feel like he is having a hard time as well. We went out for a talk, I did not tell him about me falling for him, but I told him he hurt me because of the words he used to told me, that I believe he love me. He told me that he did love me, or else he wouldn’t had do all the things he had do for me, like watering my plants for me when I am not around or feeding my cat or doing the laundry, tidying the house for me. It is hard to imagine that this isn’t love. And it is harder to imagine that things change so quickly.

He also told me that he feels sorry for his girlfriend, because she was caught by surprise with the breakup. I knew about his problem with his girlfriend last time but I never really ask about it other than the ones he told me himself. I felt like they are not compatible but did not want to give any advice as I did not intend to cause them to breakup and is feeling bad enough that I am stealing someone’s boyfriend. This time he told me he had been always tolerant to his girlfriend until he met me, and he too realise that he is deserving of a relationship which comes so naturally and able to be true and honest to himself. He thinks I am a sweet girl but he did not say what he is currently feeling towards me. I had started to feel sympathetic with him, and my resentment of him quickly changed to care.

After this confrontation, he became warmer to me compared to before the confrontation, he also still flirt with me. He ask me out for dinner every weekday after his workout near my house. This had been going on for a week, and I feel that I feel emptier than ever. I had try to keep a friendly distance but I realised I crave for his company, I do not know if this is love. Part of me thinking that he is flirting entirely because he is now single and is free to flirt with anyone. Part of me thinking that he still likes me after the long talk. I am going to an overseas trip with my boyfriend next week and making a last attempt to see if we could still connect as before. But I had been crying since yesterday thinking about this guy and how I feel I am being cheated. I felt he had budged into my life suddenly and then decided to leave suddenly as well.

I thought about the things he said about the comfortable relationship he is having with me as well, and I had began to feel that perhaps such sweet relationships are sweet because they simply won’t last? I also feel that perhaps I could no longer be with m boyfriend now that I had experience this kind of sweet relationship. I feel wretched and regret that I had not control myself better and now I am messing everything up. I had try to tell a few of my friends and they all told me that we are both lonely souls finding for flings and thus found each other, but he has moved on now. Deep down, I still believe that we are more than flings. I don’t know exactly what kind of advice I am looking for but I wanted to share my feelings which I find nobody seems to understand.

Hi George,

I thank you for your honest reply, and that was the same thing my friends are telling me as well, perhaps I had always refuse to see the hard truth? I think I had probably subconsciously wanted to see if there are different type of relationship like the way we are. He seems like a wonderful guy but probably he does not make such wonderful partner.

Dear Anita,

You had perfectly summarised my relationship with my boyfriend. However, I had started to think that this relationship is bad because of my relationship with the other guy. Because I have experienced it and I knew such relationship exist, and it makes me feel like I deserves better.

As for the other guy, when he told me that he had a crush with his childhood friend, I felt that he is the into less available women as you described. However, when I had began to think more clearly (or not),  when he made the first move to get closer to me, he did not know I had a boyfriend. He also told me that he enjoyed affection in relationship. Part of the reason of his recent broke-up is mainly due to their sexual incompatibility and his ex- is generally very uptight about things, which he claimed makes him feel like he is not able to be himself. I had let my guard down partially because he sounded like someone who when fell in love would love unconditionally and willing to give in a relationship. I am not sure if these are mutually exclusive but in general I find it hard to believe that he is the person you had describe, do you think I am blinded?

I am actually feeling very messed up as I have had increased expectations from my current relationship. But since the breaking up of relationship with the other guy, I had come to believe that probably the relationship is good because it is not meant to last? Or more like relationships like that makes them short-lived? Not sure if you get what I am trying to say. I am doubting myself if I am being too perfectionist to ask for long lasting and good relationship.

dear Anita,

yes you are quite right, you have spoken the small voice in my mind all this while. I however had decided to go on this trip because I wanted to make the last attempt to see if things would get better. My bf has been quite stressed and hectic with work and this is finally the time where he can relax and I want to see if it’s possible to go back to before. Like I wasn’t so sure if we totally couldn’t work out now because the other guy makes me feel like relationships that are too good to be true are probably too good to be true.

Though the breakup had been on my mind for quite long, but I had unable to make the decision, mostly I feel like a bad person, as I had know his way all this while, and what if his coldness in relationship is just what he is and I didn’t try to accept the way he is? And that I would leave him when he is stressed with life. I just feel like I did not want to hurt anyone but it doesn’t seem like it’s possible.

Thank you for your advice Anita. I couldn’t tell you how much I appreciate your reply on this thread. I had been so emotional these few days and having nobody to talk to I find it hard to cope.

Hi Anita,

I was crying as I read what you wrote. I think you are right. I had not read the signs earlier in the relationship and it just brings out a bigger problem now that we are in a long distance relationship. I hope I had posted about this earlier, I am going to board the flight for my vacation in 2 hours time. I do hope this trip makes me feel clearer about him and able to finally put my foot down on this decision that had been on my mind for so long.

I also think part of me being afraid that breaking up with my boyfriend would makes me become very attached to the other guy, whom I am still in friendly terms. I can actually feel that I am becoming a little anxious when I think about us. It’s already so hard to walk out from one relationship and now I have two to walk out at the same time.

I couldn’t thank you more for the advices you gave. Finally someone to talk and share about things without being judged 🙂

Dear Anita,

i would also like to add that I recently had a very stressful moment with my work. And I did not tell my bf about it. I had decided to give it a last shot to tell him about this and see what is the respond. Long story short I was again quite disappointed. Seems like the end is very clear now. I am going to tell him by the end of the trip, just hope that I am not changing my mind about it.

on the other hand, thank you for your reassurance of the possibility of good relationship. I don’t know why I need the reassurance. And while I do understand that these two relationships should be a total separate ones, I just find myself wanting to go back to the other man more when my decision about breaking up with my boyfriend is clearer. The whole work and relationship thing makes me feel like a complete failure. I wish I could turn back time.

Dear Anita,

work and my relatuonship with the other guy. I think even if my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work out, it probably work as a life lesson. But I have regretted I got involve in another guy which complicates thing more and just messed up the way I think logically. I think you probably noticed that I am actually feeling very lost now. It just hope things are simpler. Life has its up and downs and I am probably at the down and hopefully I had hit the rock bottom of it already.

Btw, are you a counsellor or anything, I saw so much helpful advice you have gave in this forums. I did find that giving back to the others in the forum in a way helps heal my self pity. I wish I am able to help more people like you do.