Dear Anita,

i don’t quite get the part about the “ you would have experienced problems in that new relationship, because of the adjustment you made to the old.”

My logical mind tells me even if I did break up with my boyfriend I shouldn’t be with this guy even if he is loving to me, at least for now. I think I would not be able to get over the coldness he had given me and the sudden change of mind to stop loving me so abruptly. And I also think I should have some cooling down period, but the illogical heart keeps thinking about him and the possibility of getting back together it’s killing me! And I got jealous and suspicious about people he goes out with now. I feel so horrible about myself! I am also remembering the thing about you telling me that these are two different relationship, so whenever I got illogical and wanted to go back to my boyfriend I am trying to see our relationship problem individually. But things are really hard, and I couldn’t show my emotional breakdown. Which makes it even harder.

Dear Anita,

i had been out for a whole day with my bf, its the last day of our trip. And I couldn’t tell you how shocked was I to read about your reply! It’s such a good timing and a much needed reminder too.

throughout these few days, what I had been going on in my mind was that I will be breaking up with my bf by the end of this trip, when we go back to his place. Today, I am not so sure about that, he still has his uncaring ways at times and all. But tbh, I couldn’t imagine finishing another person as reliable as him. I am probably quite confused about whether he did truly love me or if I am just a covenant partner? My dilemma was probably less about the romantic part but more about the effort part. As he doesn’t really talk a lot, i find that it’s hard for me to talk to him (he couldn’t give good responses), and this problem has elevated to us not knowing what is going on with each other’s life as we don’t talk or share. Reliable as he is I find the problem very real, and got me very sad that though I love him and never wanted anyone else to be my life partner, the non-communication is killing me. Do note that I noticed this problem before I met the new guy. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to stay with him if the communication problem couldn’t be solved. But I will try again tmr to talk to him about him and make sure to get my point across even if it means breaking up. Perhaps it’s really my last attempt to salvage our relationship after all.

As for the other guy, yes! You are totally right about the movie thing. That’s was what I was trying to describe. But what gotme confused was because he was a really loyal guy before he met me (or so I thought), he had been with his latest ex-girlfriend for 2 years+, and from his side of the story it did feels like he usually made a lot of effort to make sure the relationship stays. Maybe it could be he was making things up to gain my trust all along, but his stories all usually fits pretty well to the way he acts, they sounded genuine to me. I was just confused that the “movie” would have ended so abruptly. And it makes me questioned if all “nice relationships” are actually just a “movie”? Am I asking too much for a relationship?

Dear Anita,

I know it’s a red flag warning.. but I actually can’t recall when the eye contacts stop. He doesn’t have a lot to begin with. And I had always associate his coldness with how he treats his other family members. That was the excuse I made for him for his lacking of affections. He also doesn’t really talk at home. I do not know is it possible for a person to be so not affectionate? Even to the family members? He doesn’t come from a troubled family though if that’s you are wondering. I guess the only way to figure is to have a confrontation after all. It’s so hard to letting go when he is the one person I thought was “the one”.

Dear Anita,

i still had not had the talk with him and I will be leaving in 6 hours. I did not know what made my mouth kept shut.

By troubled family I mean like unloving family or broken family I guess. He grew up in a pretty healthy family I guess. He told me he was his father’s favorite child, he was known to be very quiet in the family. And tbh he is treating me the same way as he treats his family. I could not be certain he doesn’t love me because I think he probably doesn’t know how to express love. He does care for his family a lot though he had never say it.

I feel like I am going in circles. I don’t know why I just couldn’t bring up the issue with him. I think I had communication problem and confrontational issues as well.

Dear Anita,

i feel so useless. It achieved literally nothing. I was suddenly confused when he hugged me in the night. And was thinking was it me having another guy outside of the relationship and my attention was distracted? Maybe I was becoming unloving too? And it’s like a viscious cycle when we both grow unloving to each other? I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk to him, I had no problem talking things out with the other guy… I am not sure if I was very scared deep down. I actually always communicate with my bf through texting. I did find it easier… do you think I should text him to talk about this?

Hi Anita, I mean the old guy. Yesterday after I left I gave him and hug. And after that I told him we had not been talking much lately, he told me I was stressed with work maybe that’s why. And I told him we should talk more. It suddenly makes me think that probably he was not as needy as me in a relationship? Maybe he tried to give me more attention but I was a bit revengeful when he started to give me more attention and didn’t really respond much to him. And then there was a new guy, and my attention was also diverted.

I am not very sure if I am finding excuse for my bf. But I have the feeling like I just don’t want to leave him anymore. It’s weird because it happened overnight. I have not tell him about all our problems, but I feel like maybe I want to give it another try?

Dear Anita,

I honestly do not know my sudden urge of wanting to give it a try is it because of fear of losing or what. Honestly I am not so scared of being single but probably I fear that I will lose him? Not sure if it’s because I love him so much or just scared of losing him because we had been together for so long. I hope I could clear up my mind about this too. Meanwhile I think I shall repost another new thread more relevant about this confusion when my mind is clearer maybe. I have some thoughts and doubts which I don’t think I could put it in words yet. I do hope I am not making a wrong choice here though. Thank you for being here for me when I needed someone to talk and listen to.