- This topic has 29 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
October 24, 2018 at 6:27 am #232927AnonymousGuest
No, I am not a counselor or therapist or a professional of any kind. Here, I am a member just like you although very active. Being active here helps me in the process of my healing which started in 2011 when I attended my first quality psychotherapy experience. As I learn about you and from you (and other members), I learn more about myself. I learn about life and it fascinates me.
Looking a bit at your prior posts on this thread I had the thought: we know about love by comparison. If we knew little of it as children, in our home of origin, we don’t know that there is more than what we experienced. We make do with what we have and adjust to it best we can.
When we get to experience something more, as you have for a short time with the other guy, we get to know something different and the old doesn’t feel good enough anymore. Even if the new guy was available for a relationship with you and was indeed loving, even then you would have experienced problems in that new relationship, because of the adjustments you made to the old, to what you got used to. Does this make sense to you?
anitaOctober 25, 2018 at 1:22 am #233147
i don’t quite get the part about the “ you would have experienced problems in that new relationship, because of the adjustment you made to the old.”
My logical mind tells me even if I did break up with my boyfriend I shouldn’t be with this guy even if he is loving to me, at least for now. I think I would not be able to get over the coldness he had given me and the sudden change of mind to stop loving me so abruptly. And I also think I should have some cooling down period, but the illogical heart keeps thinking about him and the possibility of getting back together it’s killing me! And I got jealous and suspicious about people he goes out with now. I feel so horrible about myself! I am also remembering the thing about you telling me that these are two different relationship, so whenever I got illogical and wanted to go back to my boyfriend I am trying to see our relationship problem individually. But things are really hard, and I couldn’t show my emotional breakdown. Which makes it even harder.October 25, 2018 at 6:19 am #233209AnonymousGuest
Regarding the sentence you quoted, it is not relevant now, not important at this point.
I re-read most of your original post and I think I am getting a better understanding than I had before. You wrote there about the recent guy: “recently though… he had suddenly grow cold towards me… it wasn’t exactly the same as before… he told me he broke up with his girlfriend during the trip, and at the same time had a crush with his childhood friend. I got so heartbroken and feel so betrayed, at the same time confused”-
what you shared about your long term boyfriend, there is nothing, really that should be a deal breaker as far as I understand it. He is not romantic, I understand, but he is reliable, dependable, consistent and loyal, you are not worried about him cheating on you. He was offended when you asked for a romantic gesture, and that alarmed me earlier, but I don’t know enough to be alarmed: did he make a romantic gesture to you and it wasn’t enough for you… how did you present your wish for him to be romantic, I don’t know these things. So really, there is nothing that alarms me about this guy and I see his valuable qualities as a life partner.
Regarding the other guy, he sort of took you into a virtual movie, a three dimensional movie where you got to be in the love story. But it was only a movie. He enjoyed being in it, you did, and then it was over. Overall, you were left heartbroken and the heart break is lasting way longer than the movie lasted.
The new guy, he is not reliable, or dependable and he is not monogamous. He gets into this movie with this one actress, then out, then gets into another movie with a different actress. He may be as genuine as can be in any one movie, but each actress in these movies is left heartbroken, if she enjoyed the movie herself.
As I see it now, your choice is in between reality and a movie that is over. At best you can get chosen for another run, another two hours movie, or maybe a marathon movie that will last a few days, or weeks. But then it is back to being pushed aside for another actress to get the role you had.
The role felt good, the role in that movie. What do you think?
anitaOctober 26, 2018 at 8:36 am #233507
i had been out for a whole day with my bf, its the last day of our trip. And I couldn’t tell you how shocked was I to read about your reply! It’s such a good timing and a much needed reminder too.
throughout these few days, what I had been going on in my mind was that I will be breaking up with my bf by the end of this trip, when we go back to his place. Today, I am not so sure about that, he still has his uncaring ways at times and all. But tbh, I couldn’t imagine finishing another person as reliable as him. I am probably quite confused about whether he did truly love me or if I am just a covenant partner? My dilemma was probably less about the romantic part but more about the effort part. As he doesn’t really talk a lot, i find that it’s hard for me to talk to him (he couldn’t give good responses), and this problem has elevated to us not knowing what is going on with each other’s life as we don’t talk or share. Reliable as he is I find the problem very real, and got me very sad that though I love him and never wanted anyone else to be my life partner, the non-communication is killing me. Do note that I noticed this problem before I met the new guy. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to stay with him if the communication problem couldn’t be solved. But I will try again tmr to talk to him about him and make sure to get my point across even if it means breaking up. Perhaps it’s really my last attempt to salvage our relationship after all.
As for the other guy, yes! You are totally right about the movie thing. That’s was what I was trying to describe. But what gotme confused was because he was a really loyal guy before he met me (or so I thought), he had been with his latest ex-girlfriend for 2 years+, and from his side of the story it did feels like he usually made a lot of effort to make sure the relationship stays. Maybe it could be he was making things up to gain my trust all along, but his stories all usually fits pretty well to the way he acts, they sounded genuine to me. I was just confused that the “movie” would have ended so abruptly. And it makes me questioned if all “nice relationships” are actually just a “movie”? Am I asking too much for a relationship?October 26, 2018 at 10:15 am #233529AnonymousGuest
You wrote about the two of you “not knowing what is going on with each other’s life” because of lack of communication. This is severe lack of communication when it comes to the objective of becoming intimate partners.
“the non-communication is killing me”- severe lack of communication indeed.
On the other thread you wrote, “We never hold hands, he seldom kissed me, and he only did those things during sex. And sometimes he makes me feel used… He also doesn’t really look me in the eyes… It.. gradually got worse”
My input today: better end this relationship regardless of the other. You shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship with a man who will not look in your eyes.
I am not confused about this at all: if a man will not look in your eyes, or hold your hand (in private, if not in public), then you really should not have sex with that man.
anitaOctober 26, 2018 at 4:56 pm #233607
I know it’s a red flag warning.. but I actually can’t recall when the eye contacts stop. He doesn’t have a lot to begin with. And I had always associate his coldness with how he treats his other family members. That was the excuse I made for him for his lacking of affections. He also doesn’t really talk at home. I do not know is it possible for a person to be so not affectionate? Even to the family members? He doesn’t come from a troubled family though if that’s you are wondering. I guess the only way to figure is to have a confrontation after all. It’s so hard to letting go when he is the one person I thought was “the one”.October 27, 2018 at 6:08 am #233643AnonymousGuest
You wrote that he doesn’t come from a troubled family- what is a “troubled family” in your mind?
“I do not know is it possible for a person to be so not affectionate? Even to the family members?”- yes, it is possible and it happens. If family members hurt a child repeatedly, rejecting him, criticizing him, the child loses the affection for them.
The rejected, disapproved of child still needs his mother, his father, still longs for them deep inside, but the feeling of affection is lost. The child withdraws, closes in, does not interact much, doesn’t seek yet again the acceptance he failed to receive again and again… He gives up.
anitaOctober 27, 2018 at 9:13 am #233699
i still had not had the talk with him and I will be leaving in 6 hours. I did not know what made my mouth kept shut.
By troubled family I mean like unloving family or broken family I guess. He grew up in a pretty healthy family I guess. He told me he was his father’s favorite child, he was known to be very quiet in the family. And tbh he is treating me the same way as he treats his family. I could not be certain he doesn’t love me because I think he probably doesn’t know how to express love. He does care for his family a lot though he had never say it.
I feel like I am going in circles. I don’t know why I just couldn’t bring up the issue with him. I think I had communication problem and confrontational issues as well.October 27, 2018 at 9:32 am #233705AnonymousGuest
So the trip achieved nothing in terms of communication, no progress whatsoever?
Imagine a lifetime of no-progress.
Well, maybe his family was not as loving as you think it was or is. A loving family does not produce a loving child. A child is born loving. It is often the family that … extinguishes that loving nature.
anitaOctober 27, 2018 at 4:31 pm #233771
i feel so useless. It achieved literally nothing. I was suddenly confused when he hugged me in the night. And was thinking was it me having another guy outside of the relationship and my attention was distracted? Maybe I was becoming unloving too? And it’s like a viscious cycle when we both grow unloving to each other? I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk to him, I had no problem talking things out with the other guy… I am not sure if I was very scared deep down. I actually always communicate with my bf through texting. I did find it easier… do you think I should text him to talk about this?October 28, 2018 at 8:53 am #233841AnonymousGuest
Did you ask whether to “text him to talk about this”, you mean with the old guy or the new guy?
anitaOctober 28, 2018 at 7:46 pm #234165
Hi Anita, I mean the old guy. Yesterday after I left I gave him and hug. And after that I told him we had not been talking much lately, he told me I was stressed with work maybe that’s why. And I told him we should talk more. It suddenly makes me think that probably he was not as needy as me in a relationship? Maybe he tried to give me more attention but I was a bit revengeful when he started to give me more attention and didn’t really respond much to him. And then there was a new guy, and my attention was also diverted.
I am not very sure if I am finding excuse for my bf. But I have the feeling like I just don’t want to leave him anymore. It’s weird because it happened overnight. I have not tell him about all our problems, but I feel like maybe I want to give it another try?October 29, 2018 at 5:26 am #234229AnonymousGuest
“I have the feeling like I just don’t want to leave him anymore”- is it that you got scared about the idea of ending the relationship; is it fear of being alone, not with him, that is fueling the wanting to “give it another try”?
I hope you will soon be less confused and more clear.
anitaOctober 29, 2018 at 9:59 am #234319
I honestly do not know my sudden urge of wanting to give it a try is it because of fear of losing or what. Honestly I am not so scared of being single but probably I fear that I will lose him? Not sure if it’s because I love him so much or just scared of losing him because we had been together for so long. I hope I could clear up my mind about this too. Meanwhile I think I shall repost another new thread more relevant about this confusion when my mind is clearer maybe. I have some thoughts and doubts which I don’t think I could put it in words yet. I do hope I am not making a wrong choice here though. Thank you for being here for me when I needed someone to talk and listen to.October 29, 2018 at 12:01 pm #234345AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. I think you are “scared of losing him because we had been together for so long”. We are social animals and we do form emotional attachments to people (and pets, even to things). And we are scared at the thought of separating from the object of our attachment.
It is natural, this is why I am thinking you are scared.
And it doesn’t take a quality/healthy/intimate relationship to form an attachment. We can get attached to a person simply because he or she has been in our lives for long.
Do post here or in another thread (you can run two threads -or more- at the same time). As confused as you may be at any time, if it helps for you to type away your thoughts and feelings, please do.