Forum Replies Created
March 10, 2020 at 10:42 am #342628
Thank you for going through the post again! part of the reason I am posting here was because of your support in the past. You could see that I have actually dragged on the previous relationship much longer though I had supposedly sorted out that I should have broken off the relationship that time.
Going back to the questions:
Negative things are just work related or some small frustrations in life. Petty and not really serious. I am not usually a person who complains or speaks negatively most of the time. The fact that I have chosen to share these with him is because I realised he share a lot of things happening in his daily life with me. It might sound like the thing that most couples do, but my previous relationship is not like that. We did not share about things enough to a point that I did not know what is going on with each other’s life. And the way this relationship being normal actually makes me feel like I need some adjustments. And I started to share more about my life with him, the good and the bad, though I did realised that sometimes I probably overdo a bit on those “bad parts”, not in length but probably my tone of narrating the incident.
To be fair, the blaming part comes in when I share negative things happening that could partly be my fault. and he would start to point out all the wrongs I did even though there is a whole load of other factors that could cause the situation. I realised that I am not someone who is easily open up to people, and admittedly it was kind of hurtful when I had chosen to open up to him but did not get the expected reactions. Come to think of it, other than feeling sad that he is not on my side when I told him stuff (I admit this being a little childish), most of all I get the feeling that he probably is starting to see the bad side of me and he is not going to like me like I am. Honestly I had not wanted to start a relationship when I met him initially, what changed me was his willingness to share his part of life with me and he did make me feel comfortable being open with him in the first place. I am not sure if he is starting to dislike certain behaviour of me or me overthinking.
BellMarch 10, 2020 at 10:23 am #342624
Thank you for your recommendation, I will try to look for the book. What is troubling me is often when I cannot differentiate between my “burden” of the past or just simply actions that I should not tolerate. Looking back, I had often being taken for granted because I tend to give the benefit of doubt to my partner in the past and it just leads to a long but probably unhappy relationship on my part. I like to think myself as understanding most of the time, but what I observe is understanding girls like me are often the one being taken for granted and I just feel so tired of the whole situation and finding someone who could appreciate this.
bellOctober 29, 2018 at 9:59 am #234319
I honestly do not know my sudden urge of wanting to give it a try is it because of fear of losing or what. Honestly I am not so scared of being single but probably I fear that I will lose him? Not sure if it’s because I love him so much or just scared of losing him because we had been together for so long. I hope I could clear up my mind about this too. Meanwhile I think I shall repost another new thread more relevant about this confusion when my mind is clearer maybe. I have some thoughts and doubts which I don’t think I could put it in words yet. I do hope I am not making a wrong choice here though. Thank you for being here for me when I needed someone to talk and listen to.October 28, 2018 at 7:46 pm #234165
Hi Anita, I mean the old guy. Yesterday after I left I gave him and hug. And after that I told him we had not been talking much lately, he told me I was stressed with work maybe that’s why. And I told him we should talk more. It suddenly makes me think that probably he was not as needy as me in a relationship? Maybe he tried to give me more attention but I was a bit revengeful when he started to give me more attention and didn’t really respond much to him. And then there was a new guy, and my attention was also diverted.
I am not very sure if I am finding excuse for my bf. But I have the feeling like I just don’t want to leave him anymore. It’s weird because it happened overnight. I have not tell him about all our problems, but I feel like maybe I want to give it another try?October 27, 2018 at 4:31 pm #233771
i feel so useless. It achieved literally nothing. I was suddenly confused when he hugged me in the night. And was thinking was it me having another guy outside of the relationship and my attention was distracted? Maybe I was becoming unloving too? And it’s like a viscious cycle when we both grow unloving to each other? I don’t know why it’s so hard to talk to him, I had no problem talking things out with the other guy… I am not sure if I was very scared deep down. I actually always communicate with my bf through texting. I did find it easier… do you think I should text him to talk about this?October 27, 2018 at 9:13 am #233699
i still had not had the talk with him and I will be leaving in 6 hours. I did not know what made my mouth kept shut.
By troubled family I mean like unloving family or broken family I guess. He grew up in a pretty healthy family I guess. He told me he was his father’s favorite child, he was known to be very quiet in the family. And tbh he is treating me the same way as he treats his family. I could not be certain he doesn’t love me because I think he probably doesn’t know how to express love. He does care for his family a lot though he had never say it.
I feel like I am going in circles. I don’t know why I just couldn’t bring up the issue with him. I think I had communication problem and confrontational issues as well.October 26, 2018 at 4:56 pm #233607
I know it’s a red flag warning.. but I actually can’t recall when the eye contacts stop. He doesn’t have a lot to begin with. And I had always associate his coldness with how he treats his other family members. That was the excuse I made for him for his lacking of affections. He also doesn’t really talk at home. I do not know is it possible for a person to be so not affectionate? Even to the family members? He doesn’t come from a troubled family though if that’s you are wondering. I guess the only way to figure is to have a confrontation after all. It’s so hard to letting go when he is the one person I thought was “the one”.October 26, 2018 at 8:43 am #233509
Hi Riris and Anita,
i couldn’t help much in this topic. But I just wanted to express that this is the problem of me with my boyfriend too! We never hold hands, he seldom kissed me, and he only did those during sex. And sometimes he makes me feel used, because it feels like sex and not love-Making. He also doesn’t really look me in the eyes and just generally very cold towards me. It wasn’t like that initially but gradually got worse. I also think I am still very in love with him but cheated because he is not giving me the affectionate I want from him.October 26, 2018 at 8:36 am #233507
i had been out for a whole day with my bf, its the last day of our trip. And I couldn’t tell you how shocked was I to read about your reply! It’s such a good timing and a much needed reminder too.
throughout these few days, what I had been going on in my mind was that I will be breaking up with my bf by the end of this trip, when we go back to his place. Today, I am not so sure about that, he still has his uncaring ways at times and all. But tbh, I couldn’t imagine finishing another person as reliable as him. I am probably quite confused about whether he did truly love me or if I am just a covenant partner? My dilemma was probably less about the romantic part but more about the effort part. As he doesn’t really talk a lot, i find that it’s hard for me to talk to him (he couldn’t give good responses), and this problem has elevated to us not knowing what is going on with each other’s life as we don’t talk or share. Reliable as he is I find the problem very real, and got me very sad that though I love him and never wanted anyone else to be my life partner, the non-communication is killing me. Do note that I noticed this problem before I met the new guy. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to stay with him if the communication problem couldn’t be solved. But I will try again tmr to talk to him about him and make sure to get my point across even if it means breaking up. Perhaps it’s really my last attempt to salvage our relationship after all.
As for the other guy, yes! You are totally right about the movie thing. That’s was what I was trying to describe. But what gotme confused was because he was a really loyal guy before he met me (or so I thought), he had been with his latest ex-girlfriend for 2 years+, and from his side of the story it did feels like he usually made a lot of effort to make sure the relationship stays. Maybe it could be he was making things up to gain my trust all along, but his stories all usually fits pretty well to the way he acts, they sounded genuine to me. I was just confused that the “movie” would have ended so abruptly. And it makes me questioned if all “nice relationships” are actually just a “movie”? Am I asking too much for a relationship?October 25, 2018 at 1:22 am #233147
i don’t quite get the part about the “ you would have experienced problems in that new relationship, because of the adjustment you made to the old.”
My logical mind tells me even if I did break up with my boyfriend I shouldn’t be with this guy even if he is loving to me, at least for now. I think I would not be able to get over the coldness he had given me and the sudden change of mind to stop loving me so abruptly. And I also think I should have some cooling down period, but the illogical heart keeps thinking about him and the possibility of getting back together it’s killing me! And I got jealous and suspicious about people he goes out with now. I feel so horrible about myself! I am also remembering the thing about you telling me that these are two different relationship, so whenever I got illogical and wanted to go back to my boyfriend I am trying to see our relationship problem individually. But things are really hard, and I couldn’t show my emotional breakdown. Which makes it even harder.October 24, 2018 at 5:49 am #232917
work and my relatuonship with the other guy. I think even if my relationship with my boyfriend doesn’t work out, it probably work as a life lesson. But I have regretted I got involve in another guy which complicates thing more and just messed up the way I think logically. I think you probably noticed that I am actually feeling very lost now. It just hope things are simpler. Life has its up and downs and I am probably at the down and hopefully I had hit the rock bottom of it already.
Btw, are you a counsellor or anything, I saw so much helpful advice you have gave in this forums. I did find that giving back to the others in the forum in a way helps heal my self pity. I wish I am able to help more people like you do.October 23, 2018 at 5:30 am #232725
i would also like to add that I recently had a very stressful moment with my work. And I did not tell my bf about it. I had decided to give it a last shot to tell him about this and see what is the respond. Long story short I was again quite disappointed. Seems like the end is very clear now. I am going to tell him by the end of the trip, just hope that I am not changing my mind about it.
on the other hand, thank you for your reassurance of the possibility of good relationship. I don’t know why I need the reassurance. And while I do understand that these two relationships should be a total separate ones, I just find myself wanting to go back to the other man more when my decision about breaking up with my boyfriend is clearer. The whole work and relationship thing makes me feel like a complete failure. I wish I could turn back time.October 22, 2018 at 9:08 am #232555
I was crying as I read what you wrote. I think you are right. I had not read the signs earlier in the relationship and it just brings out a bigger problem now that we are in a long distance relationship. I hope I had posted about this earlier, I am going to board the flight for my vacation in 2 hours time. I do hope this trip makes me feel clearer about him and able to finally put my foot down on this decision that had been on my mind for so long.
I also think part of me being afraid that breaking up with my boyfriend would makes me become very attached to the other guy, whom I am still in friendly terms. I can actually feel that I am becoming a little anxious when I think about us. It’s already so hard to walk out from one relationship and now I have two to walk out at the same time.
I couldn’t thank you more for the advices you gave. Finally someone to talk and share about things without being judged 🙂October 21, 2018 at 5:24 pm #232453
yes you are quite right, you have spoken the small voice in my mind all this while. I however had decided to go on this trip because I wanted to make the last attempt to see if things would get better. My bf has been quite stressed and hectic with work and this is finally the time where he can relax and I want to see if it’s possible to go back to before. Like I wasn’t so sure if we totally couldn’t work out now because the other guy makes me feel like relationships that are too good to be true are probably too good to be true.
Though the breakup had been on my mind for quite long, but I had unable to make the decision, mostly I feel like a bad person, as I had know his way all this while, and what if his coldness in relationship is just what he is and I didn’t try to accept the way he is? And that I would leave him when he is stressed with life. I just feel like I did not want to hurt anyone but it doesn’t seem like it’s possible.
Thank you for your advice Anita. I couldn’t tell you how much I appreciate your reply on this thread. I had been so emotional these few days and having nobody to talk to I find it hard to cope.October 21, 2018 at 10:26 am #232401
I was involve in a similar situation except that mine has no children involve. I do understand the feeling of being judge or the fear of being judge. I couldn’t give you a good advice but I am reaching out to tell you that you are not alone. And I was surprised that I found a post with such a similar experience to mine. I personally think that you had a deeper feelings compare to the one I had. However, I am now trying to learn to love without holding on tightly, which I think is what makes us feel trapped usually. It seems like both of you share the same kind of guilt in this relationship maybe it is better for you to let things flow naturally and perhaps both of you can have a chance to rebuilt your relationship once he had figured out what he really wants?