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Confused. Trying to understand who I am

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #300451

    Iiwii
    Participant

    So last month my bf of 5yrs was texting me during work to let me know that he would like to have a talk with me on that day. I knew right away what he wanted to talk to me about the moment I saw that text message. I knew that he would like to break up with me. Leading to that moment I knew that it’d eventually happen. Really not his fault for bringing it up. I knew that gradually I was being distant. I felt like intimacy was more like a chore. With my low sex drive it definitely didn’t help. I don’t know if this is normal in a long term relationship. I don’t know if our lack of day to day communication and jokes made me feel that way.

    He’s a great guy what can I say. He takes good care of himself, responsible, and likes the same things that I like. It took a great toll on me when he wanted to break up with me because he knew it wouldn’t work out. I thought I was mentally prepared for the news but I didn’t take it too well. It was pretty hard since we own a house together. We bought a house together three years ago. He didn’t like the area but decided to give it a try since I convinced him into buying a home. Now we’re in the process of selling it.

    Two weeks into our breakup, we decided to have a talk. I told him that I’d like to work things out but we just need to be temporarily apart so I can work on myself. He agreed. We still talk to each other and work hard to sell the house. He even brought up about buying a home in a nice area.

    I really want us to work out. I really do, but a part of me is still confused about my own identity. I don’t know if I really know what I want in a relationship. I mean I’m attracted to anybody, regardless of gender, with a great personality, intelligence and a great sense of humor. I have a very low sex drive so I usually don’t have any crazy sexual fantasies. What I noticed about myself is that if I ever have any fantasies, it’s always about with a woman. But very soft level fantasies, nothing crazy. I’ve daydreamed about making out with a woman a lot. Also to touch and cuddle with a woman. I want to touch her hair, her skin, and look deep into her eyes. I want to cuddle with a woman as we have a deep, intelligent conversation. I want to smell her hair and hear her laugh at my stupid jokes. The thought of me going any further than that makes me very nervous since I’ve never been with a woman before. I’ve watched a lot of lesbian movies. They’re like my guilty pleasure movies. Something that I prefer to watch by myself. For some reason if a movie or a game that has a lesbian scene it tends to peak my interest quite significantly. There’s just something about two females kissing that attracts me. Their emotions are just very raw.

    I really want to have that butterfly feeling in your stomach when you’re in love with someone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way, so I wonder if it has to do with me being with the wrong gender. I can be compatible with both sexes, but sexually I might be more compatible with a woman than a man. I really don’t know since I’ve never tried it out with a woman. I don’t know what but he also felt like I’m more compatible with a woman than a man. When he broke up with me he recommended that I try being in a relationship with a woman. That I should try again if the first relationship doesn’t work.

    If I decide to get back with him then I must get rid of those thoughts and attractions towards females. I really have to so I can focus 100% on him. But then I don’t know if I will have a chance ever to discover who I am as a person. I know that I’m playing it safe if I’m with a guy. It’s just easier to date a guy than a girl. I’m extremely picky when it comes to dating a girl. I feel like girls are more work than guys.

    Yup I know I’m so messed up for feeling and thinking that way while I was the one to ask him for a chance. Very wrong of me. That’s why I need guidance and suggestions so I can make the right decision.

    Thank you for making it to the end. Sorry for it being so long.

    #300505

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi liwii,

    Well, if you are selling a HOUSE, I think that’s a definite sign from the Universe that you should be broken up. And stay broken up for a long time.

    I wouldn’t live with anyone unless you’re married. This way if you break up you wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of selling a HOUSE. I can’t imagine all the work and angst of selling mine, and I’m not going through a break up.

    As far as your sexuality goes, sexuality is so fluid. Don’t get hung up in defining yourself. You’ll never be able to do it (nor should you) and you’re only going to drive yourself crazy. I would go on lesbian dating apps and see if you would even like going there. I know you have a low libido, are picky about partners and that women are more work. But this way you’ll get that initial experimentation reconnaissance mission out of the way.

    Best,

    Inky

    #300535

    anita
    Participant

    Dear liwii:

    “if I ever have any fantasies, it’s always.. with a woman.. I’ve daydreamed about making out with a woman a lot.. to touch and cuddle with a woman. I want to touch her hair, her skin, and look deep into her eyes. I want to cuddle with a woman as we have a deep, intelligent conversation. I want to smell her hair and hear her laugh at my stupid jokes”-

    – if I was you, I’d place these words in my profile at a lesbian dating site, with minimal if any editing. When women respond to your profile and you communicate with a few online, at some point, tell a particular woman who you would like to meet, that you are not  interested in heavy duty sex at this point, that you are uncomfortable with that and have no  experience with it. Tell her you are interested in what you expressed in your profile, that “very soft level fantasies, nothing crazy”.

    If she agrees, meet her, talk a lot over coffee or tea, take walks together, get to know her, and if it feels right, proceed with that very soft level physically intimate experience, not feeling or being pressured by her to move toward an x rated experience.

    Proceed from there. For now, take the first step, is my suggestion, and create that dating profile.

    anita

    #300591

    Mark
    Participant

    Iiwii

    How old are you?  How many relationships have you had before this man?

    You have been given the opportunity to explore your curiosity.  Do so.  You don’t want to keep second guessing yourself and not be fully in on a hetero relationship if you keep wondering “what if?”  My take is that it is fairly common that women have such fantasies.  Your former bf even encouraged you to try.

    When we are in our 20s is when we get to explore and try on different experiences, lifestyles, attitudes, views, etc.  We do so in order to mature and learn about ourselves.

    Have you had yourself medically checked out for your low sex drive?  This may come into play that maybe your attraction to other women is “safer” for you sexually but that is just a guess.  Regardless have it checked out.

    Insofar as wanting to have butterflies in your stomach, that’s a nice thing to want but we are all different.  I never really had that for those women I was attracted to and went into relationship with.  Plus that feeling goes away after the initial Honeymoon/Infatuation Phase.

    Mark

    #301153

    Iiwii
    Participant

    I’m in my early 30s. I’ve only had two serious relationships. The first one lasted for 9 years and the recent one which lasted for about 5yrs.

    What you mentioned about my low libido could be the reason for my attraction to women is a very interesting explanation actually. You could be right. It’s hard to tell since I haven’t been with a woman. I think if I had some experience then i would know the answer to that. But I have a feeling even being with a woman, if her libido is much higher than mine then that’s probably going to put a lot of stress on me. But then I don’t know for sure.. because the reason for my low libido could’ve been not being with the right gender. Thinking back, I don’t think I’ve ever fantasized about men.

    all I know is if we’re not getting back together, then I will definitely explore a relationship with a woman. I want to know if being with a woman will increase my libido or maybe I’m just being genetically programmed to have a very low libido.

    Thank you for your time!

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #301155

    Iiwii
    Participant

    Thank you for your response Anita. I’ll definitely consider it if me and my ex are not getting back together. I just need some time to clear up my head and process my feelings

    #301157

    Iiwii
    Participant

    Thank you Inky for your response. Will give lesbian dating site a try if I know for sure me and my ex are not getting back together. For now I think it’s good to be single so I can figure out what I want in a relationship

    #301211

    anita
    Participant

    Dear liwii:

    You are welcome. I read your recent posts and reread your original post. Reads to me that you had a problem in the relationship with your recent boyfriend because of the sexual libido issue, a problem that will continue even if it was possible for you to get rid of your strong physical and romantic attraction to  women.

    If you and your boyfriend both had low libidos, there wouldn’t be a problem, but I suppose he has a significant higher libido which makes life uncomfortable for you. It is very uncomfortable and distressing to repeatedly making yourself available to person sexually when you don’t feel like it, when you would  rather not.

    I think not resuming the relationship with him is a good idea regardless the success or failure of your lesbian future exploration.

    Considering your description of your romantic and physical fantasies with women, the fact that you don’t remember ever fantasizing about men, and that you have watched lots of lesbian movies to which you refer to as your “guilty pleasure”, I think that you are a lesbian and has been for a while.

    To make your exploration successful (you figuring out your sexual orientation in practice), you have to place your most recent relationship with this man, in the past. Otherwise, conflict regarding getting back to him or not,  will interfere with your exploration. Also, to make the exploration successful, keep in mind that a significant difference of sexual libidos is a problem in any relationship, be it heterosexual or homosexual.

    You may not experience an increase of sexual libido with women, but that does not mean you are not a lesbian, it simply means you are a lesbian with low sex drive. And you are not the only lesbian with a low sex drive, so see to it that you choose  a compatible partner in the future.

    anita

    #301727

    Iiwii
    Participant
    • Hi Anita,

    He is a very decent person so I don’t know if I’m afraid of making a mistake by letting him go. I have unique interests in things so it’s hard to find someone who shares the same hobbies. I will continue to check my feelings to see if I think we should give it another try. If I feel like it’s not working out in my head then I will not waste his time and my time. We kind of talked about it two weeks ago to see how we feel about each other while being separated. That should give me some time to sort out my feelings. To really analyze the reasons for wanting to get back with him. Also, to really see if I’m really into same sex relationship. Thanks for your help Anita!

    #301749

    anita
    Participant

    Dear liwii:

    You are welcome. I hope you gain clarity while being separated. Feel free to post again anytime, I will be glad to reply if you do.

    anita

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