So last month my bf of 5yrs was texting me during work to let me know that he would like to have a talk with me on that day. I knew right away what he wanted to talk to me about the moment I saw that text message. I knew that he would like to break up with me. Leading to that moment I knew that it’d eventually happen. Really not his fault for bringing it up. I knew that gradually I was being distant. I felt like intimacy was more like a chore. With my low sex drive it definitely didn’t help. I don’t know if this is normal in a long term relationship. I don’t know if our lack of day to day communication and jokes made me feel that way.

He’s a great guy what can I say. He takes good care of himself, responsible, and likes the same things that I like. It took a great toll on me when he wanted to break up with me because he knew it wouldn’t work out. I thought I was mentally prepared for the news but I didn’t take it too well. It was pretty hard since we own a house together. We bought a house together three years ago. He didn’t like the area but decided to give it a try since I convinced him into buying a home. Now we’re in the process of selling it.

Two weeks into our breakup, we decided to have a talk. I told him that I’d like to work things out but we just need to be temporarily apart so I can work on myself. He agreed. We still talk to each other and work hard to sell the house. He even brought up about buying a home in a nice area.

I really want us to work out. I really do, but a part of me is still confused about my own identity. I don’t know if I really know what I want in a relationship. I mean I’m attracted to anybody, regardless of gender, with a great personality, intelligence and a great sense of humor. I have a very low sex drive so I usually don’t have any crazy sexual fantasies. What I noticed about myself is that if I ever have any fantasies, it’s always about with a woman. But very soft level fantasies, nothing crazy. I’ve daydreamed about making out with a woman a lot. Also to touch and cuddle with a woman. I want to touch her hair, her skin, and look deep into her eyes. I want to cuddle with a woman as we have a deep, intelligent conversation. I want to smell her hair and hear her laugh at my stupid jokes. The thought of me going any further than that makes me very nervous since I’ve never been with a woman before. I’ve watched a lot of lesbian movies. They’re like my guilty pleasure movies. Something that I prefer to watch by myself. For some reason if a movie or a game that has a lesbian scene it tends to peak my interest quite significantly. There’s just something about two females kissing that attracts me. Their emotions are just very raw.

I really want to have that butterfly feeling in your stomach when you’re in love with someone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way, so I wonder if it has to do with me being with the wrong gender. I can be compatible with both sexes, but sexually I might be more compatible with a woman than a man. I really don’t know since I’ve never tried it out with a woman. I don’t know what but he also felt like I’m more compatible with a woman than a man. When he broke up with me he recommended that I try being in a relationship with a woman. That I should try again if the first relationship doesn’t work.

If I decide to get back with him then I must get rid of those thoughts and attractions towards females. I really have to so I can focus 100% on him. But then I don’t know if I will have a chance ever to discover who I am as a person. I know that I’m playing it safe if I’m with a guy. It’s just easier to date a guy than a girl. I’m extremely picky when it comes to dating a girl. I feel like girls are more work than guys.

Yup I know I’m so messed up for feeling and thinking that way while I was the one to ask him for a chance. Very wrong of me. That’s why I need guidance and suggestions so I can make the right decision.

Thank you for making it to the end. Sorry for it being so long.