Dear MG03:

You wrote that you “know breakup is the right thing to do”, because he is married.

I understand that he loves you and that he married her so to please his family, but when the work day is over and he goes to his home, where she lives too, and then he goes to bed with her, night after night, and from time to time, he has sex with her.. how do you feel about that???

anita

Dear MG03:

Thank you for your kind words.

“I just support him… I just feel like loving him more and to support him”-

I understand that you have a lot  of empathy for him and that you want to love and support him.

He married another woman so that his parents continue to support him. When he is not with you, he has his parents support because he married the woman they wanted him to marry, and he is not spending his time alone: he is spending it with another woman.

When he is with you, he has your support because he married the woman he didn’t want to marry.

So he has support with you and without you. But what kind of support do you have when you are without him, and how is your life like when you are not at work with him?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .

Dear MG03:

Reads like this situation is almost satisfactory (although not perfect) for you,  and you are very much emotionally invested in him. You know he is married, you know that it is not .. right to have a relationship with a married man, but in your heart, it doesn’t feel wrong, does it?

“the way he describes, he doesn’t have any support other than me”- if he doesn’t have his parents’ support, he must be feeling that his sacrifice (not marrying you, but marrying a woman he doesn’t live) was for nothing. I would imagine him frustrated to not have their support.

anita

Hi MGO3,

The best thing to do is to quit your job and lose his number. You don’t want a man who couldn’t stand up to his family or break off an engagement before it started. At the very least don’t have sex with him. Date other people. It’s time to take care of you. With billions of other people on the planet, you don’t have to be his only support system.

Stay Healthy,

Inky

Dear MG03:

When I mentioned his parents’ support, I didn’t mean their support in terms of you, that is, I didn’t think he will feel comfortable to talk with them about you. What I meant by their support, is that he feels a sense  of safety having them in his life, knowing that they approve of his choice to  marry the woman they approve of. So he has that support from them.

They are his parents. Part of him will always be the boy who wants his parents’ approval and support. His way of maintaining that support has been to marry another woman, not you.

And so, as is, he gets his parents same-old-same-old support, and he gets your support, both. He eats the cake and has it too, as the saying goes.

I am not saying that he is happy, but he made his choices best he could so to live the best life he can imagine: maintaining his parents’ support and getting extra support on the side, which is you.

I suggest that you keep your job but do not meet him outside the job, and that you otherwise have no physical intimacy with him. What  do you think of what I wrote and of my suggestion?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .

Dear MG03:

It will not be easy, so you have to prepare for it to be difficult.

Make the following points, read and repeat them to yourself, over time (you can edit the following, so that you will be using the words you are comfortable with):

1. He made the choice to marry another woman so to maintain his parents’ support.

2. He made the choice of having a relationship with me so to get additional support so that he can feel better about being married to the other woman.

He is having his cake and eating it too.

3. He is using me for support while choosing to get married to and stay married to another woman.

4. I have the right to be with a man who is not married to another woman.

Then, make sure you do not spend any time with him privately, be it in a private area within the work location, or in a place outside the work location- make it a rule, a law that you must abide by.

Tell him that you will not be spending any time with him privately anymore. If he complains and pressures you to go against your decision, he is far from being the nice person you thought he was.

Tell him, and let me know of his reaction, will you?

anita