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Confused with complicated love life

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • #350162
    MG03
    Participant

    There is a boy in my workplace with whom I am in relationship. We both fell in love when he was engaged to other woman. He was never happy with this girl but due to family image he kept quite and married her. We are still in relationship but I am not sure what to do next. I know breakup is the right thing to do but I dont have courage. We are in same office and he sits right beside me and we work on same project. So breakup and working with him is very difficult. He is very nice guy. He loves me alot but he cannot leave his wife as divorce is difficult process and he dont want to create problems for his family. Please suggest me how to deal with this situation.

    #350244
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    You wrote that you “know breakup is the right thing to do”, because he is married.

    I understand that he loves you and that he married her so to please his family, but when the work day is over and he goes to his home, where she lives too, and then he goes to bed with her, night after night, and from time to time, he has sex with her.. how do you feel about that???

    anita

    #350248
    MG03
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I was waiting for your reply because after reading so many answers I know you are the right person to guide me. You asked a straight forward question and to be honest I feel terrible. But I know that he is in difficult situation so I hide what I fee and I just support him. When I share this things with him then also shares his feelings and then I just feel like loving him more and to support him.

    #350256
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    Thank you for your kind words.

    “I just support him… I just feel like loving him more and to support him”-

    I understand that you have a lot  of empathy for him and that you want to love and support him.

    He married another woman so that his parents continue to support him. When he is not with you, he has his parents support because he married the woman they wanted him to marry, and he is not spending his time alone: he is spending it with another woman.

    When he is with you, he has your support because he married the woman he didn’t want to marry.

    So he has support with you and without you. But what kind of support do you have when you are without him, and how is your life like when you are not at work with him?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .
    #350260
    MG03
    Participant

    Anita, When I am not at work, he always makes sure that I am doing good. He keeps messaging me to ask how am I. In regards to support, he also supports me whenever I need him. Sometimes, I feel like giving up and then I tell him that we need to breakup but then the way he talks I am melted and I feel like not to abandon him.

    When he is not around, I just spend my time with myself and my family. Yes I admin that when he is not available then I get to do productive things as well because I am all alone to decide what I have to do.

    And the way he describes, he doesnt have any support other than me. I am the only one with whom he shares everything. His financial situation, his feeling and all other stuff. He is not comfortable with anyone else.

    #350270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    Reads like this situation is almost satisfactory (although not perfect) for you,  and you are very much emotionally invested in him. You know he is married, you know that it is not .. right to have a relationship with a married man, but in your heart, it doesn’t feel wrong, does it?

    “the way he describes, he doesn’t have any support other than me”- if he doesn’t have his parents’ support, he must be feeling that his sacrifice (not marrying you, but marrying a woman he doesn’t live) was for nothing. I would imagine him frustrated to not have their support.

    anita

    #350274
    MG03
    Participant

    In my heart, it feels very much wrong. I know that staying in his life will destroy my life and he will not be able to love his wife ever, But I am not sure what I should do? Should I just leave him? He will become alone and it will hurt him badly. Also he would meet me everyday in office and sit right beside me then how will I handle that situation.

    #350276
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi MGO3,

    The best thing to do is to quit your job and lose his number. You don’t want a man who couldn’t stand up to his family or break off an engagement before it started. At the very least don’t have sex with him. Date other people. It’s time to take care of you. With billions of other people on the planet, you don’t have to be his only support system.

    Stay Healthy,

    Inky

    #350300
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    “Should I just leave him? He will become alone and it will hurt him badly”- to understand better his state of mind, and to help you understand it better (it may help you with the guilt you have regarding him being “alone” if you leave him),  I ask:

    You wrote earlier: “the way he describes, he doesn’t have any support other than me”- if he doesn’t have the support of his parents, he must be feeling very distressed for having sacrificed for them (marrying a woman he doesn’t love, instead of the woman he loves), for nothing!

    Did he express such a frustration to you:  to not have his parents support even though he sacrificed for them so much?

    anita

    #350302
    MG03
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He does have his parents but he cannot share things with them because they are strict and they do not have such friendly environment. I insisted him to talk to his mother or brother about our situation but he doesn’t want me to talk because he says that divorce process is not so easy and it will destroy his family.

    #350304
    MG03
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for your answer but leaving my job is clearly not possible. I am at a good position with my job and I cannot just leave it.

    #350314
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    When I mentioned his parents’ support, I didn’t mean their support in terms of you, that is, I didn’t think he will feel comfortable to talk with them about you. What I meant by their support, is that he feels a sense  of safety having them in his life, knowing that they approve of his choice to  marry the woman they approve of. So he has that support from them.

    They are his parents. Part of him will always be the boy who wants his parents’ approval and support. His way of maintaining that support has been to marry another woman, not you.

    And so, as is, he gets his parents same-old-same-old support, and he gets your support, both. He eats the cake and has it too, as the saying goes.

    I am not saying that he is happy, but he made his choices best he could so to live the best life he can imagine: maintaining his parents’ support and getting extra support on the side, which is you.

    I suggest that you keep your job but do not meet him outside the job, and that you otherwise have no physical intimacy with him. What  do you think of what I wrote and of my suggestion?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by .
    #350322
    MG03
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I totally agree with you. How do I tell him to end all this. I will put points in front of me and i wont be able to break it. So i will be end up being in his life. What is your suggestion on this?

    #350338
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MG03:

    It will not be easy, so you have to prepare for it to be difficult.

    Make the following points, read and repeat them to yourself, over time (you can edit the following, so that you will be using the words you are comfortable with):

    1. He made the choice to marry another woman so to maintain his parents’ support.

    2. He made the choice of having a relationship with me so to get additional support so that he can feel better about being married to the other woman.

    He is having his cake and eating it too.

    3. He is using me for support while choosing to get married to and stay married to another woman.

    4. I have the right to be with a man who is not married to another woman.

    Then, make sure you do not spend any time with him privately, be it in a private area within the work location, or in a place outside the work location- make it a rule, a law that you must abide by.

    Tell him that you will not be spending any time with him privately anymore. If he complains and pressures you to go against your decision, he is far from being the nice person you thought he was.

    Tell him, and let me know of his reaction, will you?

    anita

     

    #350458
    MG03
    Participant

    Sure I will try and do this. The only problem is when I will tell him that we won’t talk privately anymore then he will be sad and will tell me that life for him will be very hard for him and then I will lose all collected courage. But yes I will try it for sure in next few days.

    Thank you for your support Anita. You are an angel. 🙂

    Do you have any tips as how I convince him with my decision and make sure that he understands to not spend extra time with me?

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