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- This topic has 24 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by Azouz.
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March 24, 2017 at 9:57 am #141503AnonymousGuest
Dear Azouz:
You met her in person one time only, January of this year. A short visit, I assume… The entire relationship was long distance, through social media.
I asked you about your mother. You said you told her you “have no interest in discussing” her personal affairs- is it because she used to tell you her personal affairs? Did she share with you her personal affairs causing you distress?
anita
March 24, 2017 at 10:49 am #141515AzouzParticipantYes.
At a time, i caught her being intimate with someone when i was a defenseless child.
She does not know about this, and i’m not highly influenced by it since i still have respect for her, but i don’t want her to tell me about anything she goes through. It’s her choice. Her life, and i’m not concerned about it. But what i know for sure, when my mother faces a tremendous problem, i will most likely be there for her.I guess this does not affect any of my relations so far.
March 24, 2017 at 12:11 pm #141533AnonymousGuestDear Azouz:
My mother raised me as a single mother. She didn’t date men but one time, it was dark, and she was with a man in the room, the door was closed. I picked through the key hole of the door to that room. They were both dressed and nothing was going on except that hug, they were embraced in a hug. I still remember the pain and shock I felt. There are lots and lots of things I forgot, but that incident I remember. I cried hysterically that night. I remember the agony and I never understood why I reacted that way. I think as a young child, living with one parent, a mother, you feel possessive of her. The sight of her in an intimate embrace with someone else was excruciating.
I think it is highly unlikely that you were not influenced by seeing your mother being intimate with a man while you were a child. You wrote “defenseless child” because what you saw felt like a threat and you felt defenseless, unable to fight against that threat.
I believe you were so affected by it, that you dissociated from the memory- your strong emotions about it separated from the memory. The memory seems dry, devoid of emotion.
Where did the emotion go? Someplace else, only to resurface in the form of obsession, jealousy, anger, rumination about this woman your thread is about.
Your thoughts?
anita
March 24, 2017 at 1:46 pm #141549AzouzParticipantYou are not misunderstanding the situation. Because it is what’s happening to me.
You are right, Anita, but there’s something i must mention.
The emotion did not only vanish, it has partially built my character and made me what i am.Perhaps i treated my girlfriend unfairly, but i seriously doubt it. She’s been happy throughout our relation and i was good to her, until she did what gravely offended me and forced me into visualizing what she’s done with her partner by recalling past memories.
Some situations can’t be dealt with. Each word that gets told will hurt those who are concerned, so i opt to coldness and strip myself out of all emotions so that i don’t feel grief, jealousy, anger or any of the states you have mentioned.I’m a dominant. And not only i possess but i also deeply cherish. This might sound abusive but it never was, and never will be. I just felt responsible of guiding my previous partner so that i can love her the best way i can additionally to keeping her.
I really am not convinced into feeling this way, and i wished to change but now i believe that this is essential in order to preserve my well being and staying calm, without being vulnerable to anyone.
I was fine with her leading her own life, and spending it the way she wants, believing that nothing would have been able to break us apart. Which was unwise?
All she did was tolerated and i did not mind it the slightest. I was too afraid of imposing myself on her comfort zone, or her choices.
The first time we faced a serious breakup, her lifestyle that i did permit hugely contributed to her decision of moving on. As i have already mentioned, she was already frequenting this classmate before she gets on with him.Furthermore, both my conduct and affability were perceived as a weakness, so additionally to all she’s done while we were together, she thought it was time to do more. She felt confined while i did nothing to actually prevent her from spending time on her own. I guess it was the basic fundamentals of being in a relation (something i’m so impressed she has) that averted her from behaving in such manners when she was with me.
I moved on when that happened and i was in misery for a few days. I did not understand what has happened and what sort of curse god has inflicted on me by introducing such a manipulative person who craves hurting others only boost her mood into my life.
When all the the fun was over, she came back crying, asking for forgiveness, full of remorse and threatening me of killing herself.
I was forced to let her in, and that made me love more, aswell as feeding my hate for her.Since then, i was more strict about a few things that i used to disregard.
I thought i was doing that for her well being, but now it was time to prove her true intentions.Staying out late, speaking of friends, mentioning people who once advised her to stay with that classmate over getting back to me only cause i was viewed as a foreigner and someone they haven’t met while the only person i knew was her, and it was agonizing to see that her friends actually made decisions for her.
We quickly went over the period of hurt, especially for her, and got her back. We’ve been in a couple and everything was running just fine, but some of her desires did not change. All she says is that i must have trust in her, knowing that she had all of it once but have shown that she doesn’t earn it.
I’m just defending myself and i’m not making myself vulnerable to her as much.
She still goes out with a few friends that i know at times, and i’m absolutely fine with it, but whenever she goes out late to intend crowded places with people i know nothing of, where alcohol and dancing are involved, i grow restless and mad.I have made the rule of 2am. It simply consists of being home before 2 since bad things usually happen after that part of the night, and she still occasionally came against it.
This woman was unable of refraining herself from going to certain places that i had bad feelings about. I end up thinking most of the time, what on earth would she be doing for long hours outside, at someone’s place? Drinking, talking and dancing if not more, and i always wonder why those are so necessary to her while it was proven to be troublesome many times.
Here are some experiences.
She was went on a trip that was destined to her aunt’s place that lives far away from her city. Her cousin was driving and while this was not the first occurrence, she dropped at a cousin’s place, not aunt’s, and i hate when plans change, but well, she does not get to decide, so let’s proceed..
It was getting late and she was still not getting herself ready to sleep, so i wished her good night and fell asleep while i was watching a movie. I got a call from her around 3 in the morning, and there i had the shock of my life.
She was crying. I got terrified and woke up immediately then asked what was up. She took a few minutes before she caught a breath and explained that one of her cousins, the one who owned the place hurted her. So she ran outside and called me, which i’m glad she did.
I comforted her while the situation was desperate.. I was so helpless while i was to beat this guy for touching my girlfriend.
I asked her to contact one of her cousins nearby and move elsewhere to stay overnight. So she went in, locked on herself till they came, and i was there all along, till she got herself on a new bed and slept, at 6. She promised to explain everything on the next day and that she was too tired to talk, so i delayed it.
Next morning, she said nothing, no signs of someone who was willing to confess.. So i asked about the incident. She replied by “there’s not much to tell..” which can’t be the case since she was full of talk last night before she slept. I eventually figured out that she went to the club along with her cousins at night and haven’t told me since i got no texts from her. Why? Because i would have no allowed it. While i was sleeping! As if lying would be solving it also. So i got even more upset on how she got herself in troubles and only then she thought of me.Similar things happened, like getting a slap from someone who did hit on her while she rejected or when she was forcefully taken elsewhere other than home since she was not the driver.
In short, i was restless with her. I was not peaceful at all and whenever i thought that our relation was progressing, she always had to ruin it.
The way she behaves is out of character, and with every action she comes against my fundamentals. For someone who would have been known as my girlfriend or wife in the eyes of others, i was willing to accept it only at the beginning of our relation, but now it’s no more the case.March 24, 2017 at 1:58 pm #141563AzouzParticipantI apologize for some of the spelling mistakes i made. It’s been a busy day and i’m now tired. I think it’s time to sleep.
Wish you good night everyone, but will return.March 24, 2017 at 7:27 pm #142059AnonymousGuestDear Azouz:
You only saw this woman in person one time, during one short visit this January. Otherwise, she is your virtual/ computer girlfriend. you are very involved in her life, on a micro-management level. I think you are not well, Azouz. I state this with genuine concern. Please seek competent psychotherapy.
This relationship is not healthy and you don’t see it. Strong emotions from your childhood need to be looked at, in therapy, emotions processed. No longer going cold, like you do. Get the feelings back so that you can have an in-person, healthy, loving relationship. This one is neither in-person, nor is it healthy or loving.
Seek the help you need. I did, six years ago and it did wonders for me. It can do wonders for you too!
anita
March 25, 2017 at 1:01 am #142071AzouzParticipantI’m ok, Anita.
But how about the relation i was involved in?March 25, 2017 at 7:47 am #142089AnonymousGuestDear Azouz:
By the “relationship I was involved with”- you mean with the virtual girlfriend, the object of your obsession, correct?
This is what I think of this relationship, ongoing interactions and ruminations- it is an obsession. If I read any more about it and replied to you about it, I would be encouraging this obsession of yours. That will not be helpful to you or to me. And therefore, I will not engage in it anymore. If you share about your childhood, your relationship with your mother (and father)- I will read and reply to that, because I believe the issues there are fueling this current obsession.
As a child you felt defenseless, so you wrote. I think you are trying to gain a sense of control by micro-managing this virtual girlfriend’s life. To gain a true sense of control over you and your life, look where it can be helpful (earlier life experiences), and not where it cannot possibly helpful to you (this obsession).
anita
March 26, 2017 at 9:56 am #142183AzouzParticipantI don’t know what else i could explain for you to comprehend.
This girlfriend is offending me the way she could offend any other men by actually cheating on him. Why would you skip that part?
I clearly stated that the cheating part made me change and since then i’m unable to fully trust her, and whenever she goes out till morning i get restless thinking of what may happen.
Whether she’s my possession or not, that’s personal, what i seeked advice for was whether her behavior was rational or not, nothing else.If your boyfriend came to cheat on you, and then you agreed on taking him back, you mean that you won’t have the slightest suspicion or discomfort when he engages into things that once led him to cheating?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Azouz.
March 27, 2017 at 7:21 am #140757Sara HoslerParticipantHello, thank you for sharing your private information.
I wouldn’t be worried so much. I totally agree that it is up to you which path to choose but the only thing I can write: “Just follow your heart and do as you feel”. There are no right or false decisions – it is all up to you.
I wish you luck and to find your destination!
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