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Confused with love.

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Sara Hosler 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #139641

    Azouz
    Participant

     

    Hey..
    I hope you're all doing okay.. Aside from me.
    I know that everyone has a story, and we all encounter various obstacles throughout this test, but some fortunate people have true friends, close ones to talk to. Which i'm currently lacking. So this might be the only place where i can speak this out and listen to what people have to say.

    To begin, i will give you an introduction on myself before i focus on this dreadful separation that i'm facing.

    I'm someone who grew up in a conservative household, in the middle of a confused society where you see from everything.
    My parents had issues. They never got on well together and my father, being significantly older than my mother, married only with the intention of bringing children, which he got blessed with, but this marriage never lasted as they divorced when i was fairly young.

    That being said, i grew up only with a mother and have seen my father over the weekends. But now that i recollect, i can clearly tell that i was an unhappy child that was swinging between two parents, but never complained.

    I have been through life on my own. I made mistakes and learned, but there were things i did not have to try just to admit their wickedness.

    I am 18 years old, and i did never put myself at risk. I had a mother to care for, and a younger sister to look after.

    I did only drink a few times with and without my family but always kept it moderate so i never made it past the limits, i believe it's not entertaining to cross the line and get myself vulnerable to sins and to people.

    Despite being very sociable and amusing, i choose to not go out. Right now i'm just struggling to make my way through college so that i study in Europe as this is my final year, but it's quite depressing how i'm still failing at it. The reason will be given later.

    I don't frequent people in the wrong places. I don't do the girlfriend thing since i usually seem to be cold and unconcerned but when someone makes his way through my heart, i absolutely cherish him and make him happy. And finally, all that's labeled as “immoral” to any sane human is undoable to me.

    In short, i have preserved myself for the future. I had a passive position in everything and chose to learn by witnessing, instead of acting. So i'm pretty much qualified to differenciate right from wrong when it comes from me, or from people, and just recently, i've been leading my own life.

    2 years ago.. I came across this.. Person.. On a video game. It was very casual at first but as she fell for me.. I thought it would have been great to give this girl a chance and acquire the knowledge of being a boyfriend. She was very nice and i loved her, but her past challenged me into allowing someone who's normally not my type, into my life.

    She did much of what i had terms against. But the way she talked.. The way she looked.. She seemed very innocent and harmless. It was my very first perspective of her and slowly, i did let down my defense and got her in. We were officially together a month later.

    We had passionate love, and with time, i devoted my entire life for her.. We have made plans to move in together and slowly thought of marriage. I was utterly defenseless, and she got to be my only weakness, but i believed in her.

    Gradually, she came to violate some of my personal choices but even if we were together for several months, it was too early to make terms. I was willing to fully explore her and discover her own boundaries.

    She demanded permission to go out to the club with some friends i did not know, and she said it in a way where it would have appeared to be wrong incase i rejected, so i agreed.

    As i said nothing, it became a habit, and my silence was perceived as an agreement. So she started going out more often and thus, deprived us from spending nights together since we usually got busy throughout the week.

    I had a hard time trying to evaluate myself. I was wondering why clubs were that appealing. I got upset over how she goes out rather than spending the night with me. The atmosphere could have influenced her to do anything, especially that her friends might have been unworthy of our trust since i realised that she was not responsible on the casual days we have spent together prior to becoming a couple. She was whether dancing, or drinking, and i got sick visualising any of the two, but i did not express my disapproval, until eventually, i told myself that she was not the one, she fell into depression and as i attempted on having her back, she denied all of it so we parted ways.. I didn't want to step against her, then blocked her on every social media, except one, skype, which i did not occasionally use.

    I passed the school year and it was awful to get over her.. I got so attached regardless of what she's done or whether she was meant to be mine or not. A few weeks later, she has texted me, and it made me happy.. She claimed that she was sorry and couldn't get over me but something was peculiar.. She did not decide of what becomes of us.. And this is where it all starts..
    A few days later, she has actually confessed that she tried to move on with someone else. She has kissed someone who was known to be a classmate, but apparently he was unable to replace me.
    I got horrified the night i got to know about it. And i literally could cry while recollecting these events. I went out to buy a few things from a near supermarket while she was telling the story but she said that she had things to tell before i left home. I had an awful sensation about it, but i denied the bad outcome. When i returned, i did read her texts, cried, but by that time, she has slept.

    She had threatened of killing herself if i left again. She said that she loved me, and cared for me, but i felt like garbage. She had a man on her side while i was lonely. I tried to befriend her while my insides were boiling and constantly repeated that she couldn't have us both. She slept at his place.. Met up with friends.. Went out and carelessly lived.. While i was there..

    She was regretful, and she loved me, yet, she clearly stated that she has seen the future with him more than me.

    In the end, after breaking me to tiny pieces along with our forgotten relation, she said she did not need me anymore, and that she was prepared to move on. I didn't know what to say, i did not want to grow emotional, i wished her luck, then blocked her again.

    Eventually she reappared, but this time, she was single. She told me that she broke up with him while did not resist at all cause all he was after is sex.

    I didn't know how bold she was for actually telling me that but, i appreciated her honesty the same way i was grateful that it didn't happen cause i felt his intentions. Someone who would jump straight on someone who's drunk due to her depression caused by a recently ended relation cannot be clean.. But she still holds the blame cause she went for it, she went out with him to party and ended crashing at his place.

    A year ago, we have been together again, and many good things have happened. We met.. I went to Germany and we have shared great times together this last January, we even had great sex but.. The past does not seem to matter to her. She still goes out sometimes and all i do is get cold about it. I loose my passion and i just.. Speak to her normally, while she hates that.
    She wants to do her things and expects me to act normal as she returns home, asks that we sleep over a call which i don't get the desire of doing, and this in itself is a psychosis i share with my father. Bipolar disorder. And she neglects it.

    No matter how much i seem to take, it is endless.. And for the past few months we have endured countless of breakups.. But i always got worried and didn't mind caring for her when she asked for it. So this last Sunday, i

    Her innocence is now away and can't confirm itself. The very first foundation of our relation has been completely demolished.. Which kept us on alert but good things kept us together, such as our future expectations but they can be regarded as a lie as long as the present demonstrates something different. But in a way.. She made me very happy..
    I have lost my self esteem and i hated myself when she moved on with someone else right after the announcement of my concerns and prior to the official breakup, i knew this after her status on facebook when i added her again, after her confession.

    Now it seems like she's getting a hold of it.. And i guess she's making her way out.. But i'm so reluctant.. I don't want her to text me again if we both move on, and i'm left with this complex of inferiority..

    She sometimes approached me on how she lost friends because of me but then claims that only i mattered.. She's been dishonest many times and i honestly was never able to fully trust her again. I only believed in hope, and thought this might progress, but it still didn't.. I'm still terrified about what i must witness while i'm with this woman..

    The relation has confirmed the judgments i have made on people and how certain circumstances could lead to undesirable outcomes.. I hate how her sweet face and adorable soul can commit such things… And i despise myself for still thinking of her and not finally ditching her. So i hold a question. Must i now block her and focus on my school performance which got poor because of my depression and those moments of despair? Or must i speak to her?
    She means so much to me but you do know what she has potential of doing.. She made promises but i really never grant my full trust to someone, and especially not anymore, since i had to endure all this because of an unwise choice.

    I'm so unprepared of engaging into any relation for a while now.. But i do have a question that irritates me, must i really get through clubs and all the things nowadays teenagers do if i get myself a girlfriend? And at which extend must i refuse it?

    This might lack details because i'm not in my best state since that i'm quite lost.. But if you do have any further questions.. Please do not hesitate to ask..

    What you say will really matter, and thank you in advance.

    #139701

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Azouz:

    You wrote about her: “she's been dishonest many times…”-

    The title of your thread is: “Confused with love”- honest love is not confusing. Dishonest love is confusing.

    My advice: do end any and all relations with her and focus on your school work. Later, when you are ready, study and evaluate a woman before you get involved with her- evaluate: is she honest? If she is honest, as honest as you are, then your mind will not be confused. To be mentally healthy in a relationship, you need to trust your girlfriend to be honest.

    Honest and not clubbing- a girlfriend who will spend time with you.

    anita

    #140017

    Jerry Jacob
    Participant

    True love is not confused ,and it is a very honest and believing to each other.So you can change your life it is a better,you spend a time with writing ,reading ,and playing a game.You can also more information get best essay writing service from online writing service.This is for more helpful of your academic work.And then sometimes you spend to write a article.This is best way to your goal.All the best.

    #140347

    Azouz
    Participant

    Can i really move on while i got hurt this much? If i truly give up, all the pain would've have been in vain.

    I will indeed keep myself busy but.. Should i.. Or should i not expect us to get back together?

    I also wanted to know women's perspective on clubs and why exactly they intend them. Especially those in a solid relation.

    #140349

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Azouz:

    I don't go clubbing, never had. It makes sense to me that a woman who goes clubbing alone or with girlfriends, is motivated by the desire to have fun. Having fun, for her, is drinking, dancing and often, if not always, flirting with men. If the woman drinks enough, even if she has no such intention, she finds herself in compromising situations with men.

    You wrote that if you move on your pain has been in vain. My comment: you don't get “points” for being in pain. In other words, no  one up there in the sky says something like: “Azouz has been in this much pain and so, he earned his right for some happiness”-

    If you stay in a dysfunctional relationship you get to experience MORE pain, that is all. If you move on, then you have the opportunity to, later on, have a different relationship. If you learn from this one, then you can have a functional, healthy relationship in the future. Something to learn: evaluate a woman for honesty. And find out if she likes clubbing. If she is dishonest and/ or likes clubbing- well, you will know what to do next, won't you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  anita.
    #140591

    Azouz
    Participant

    I appreciate your answer, and i'd do my best to follow that advice.

    I cannot see myself in any other relation for the actual time. I hated many things because of her.
    I'm full of hate and wish to take revenge, but i'm convinced that moving on will be the wisest choice here.
    The account on which i met her is currently under deletion, aswell as my facebook, so that way she's for sure out of my life.

    I hope you're doing well on your side.
    And thanks alot.

    #140593

    Lacienaga
    Participant

    Hey Azouz,

    Its up to you whether or not clubbing is a deal-breaker, as everyone has their own activities (and should, for a healthy relationship). But there are a lot of red flags in the relationship. She is being manipulative and it seems that you may be incompatible. What are you looking for out of the relationship? Do you believe you are making the proper strides towards that and that she is a good partner for you?

    You said “The very first foundation of our relation has been completely demolished.” Do you believe you can get that back or that you are just drifting and clinging on to memories? It is good to do a check-up with any relationship*.

    *Noticed your last comment about No Contact so you can disregard some of what I said.

    Just know your emotions are normal for grieving. Revenge is you living well and healthy.

    #140933

    Azouz
    Participant

    It's like i want her back.. But when i imagine that if that gets achieved, it would not necessarily make me happier.
    It's just that i miss her presence, even if it's bothersome.
    I will be getting used to it, i guess, but i still highly not tolerate clubs, especially after this experience.

    Whoever goes out to those places would be sorta wicked.
    Call me judgemental, but fun can be seeked elsewhere. It's whether she lacked self esteem or she wanted to wander a little, which is insulting, but she still claims being faithful.

    One more thing.
    Is it permissible for any of your girlfriends to swim somewhere at night with her cousin along with other people who intend a so called event? I feel sick just visualising things, but at a certain extent, i blame myself.
    Personally, it feels rational when i regard this as immoral but how do others view it? I believe that i have a sane set of morals what do you call that kind of conduct?

    I did let many things pass and everytime i had to speak out, when i utterly had enough, she acted like i was overreacting and that i'm close minded for not letting her do anything, while i seriously withstood alot of “shit”

     

     

     

    #140947

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Azouz:

    You are welcome and I do hope you end this relationship. A good part of your anger is because, I believe, you weren't true to yourself in this relationship. When you feel clubbing or swimming at night with others is immoral, and then you tolerate it in your girlfriend, you are being untrue to yourself.

    It doesn't matter how she views clubbing or swimming at night with others, it doesn't matter how I view it and how others do. As long as you view it as wrong, as long as you have strong negative feelings about it, it is – it is your right to choose a girlfriend who does not display these behaviors.

    It would be a woman's right to go clubbing or swimming at night, but it is your right to not have this woman in your life as your girlfriend.

    anita

     

    #141171

    eight
    Participant

    Hi there.

    I could be the only one who and if goes out to clubs ,goes simply to assure or remind myself how much I love spending time at home and anywhere else than clubs. Music is what I love and I can have a glass of wine anywhere I want.

    When I used to go out I went because I enjoyed the music,dance and that was only reason why I went. I loved it even when had a drink or two and it unlocked my mind smoothly so I've  danced  and every time when someone unknown and drunk approached me I wasnt very happy because they disturbed my special time.  Laugh or not but it's true.

    With age comes wisdom to many (hopefully ) clubbing  is for certain amount of time and occasionally it is good to go out and again remind myself that there is various ways to spend friday or saturday evening with the loved one near you instead of getting drunk and anxious because of those who disturb your peace.  Never too late  to learn and enjoy things you love in a new way.

     

    Best regards Gr8

    #141287

    Azouz
    Participant

    It has always been the way i've seen it.
    I could prefer engaging into anything over clubbing. Let alone being there with my loved one..

    I found it pointless to teach her manners, or show her that clubs are not necessarily for her.

    I did allow her to do whatever she wanted, as long as she kept herself safe, and avoided undesired consequences, which was mostly not the case everytime she went out. And yet, she still did it, so i've had enough of it.

    I forgot to mention that this friend she had was in a past relation, and struggled to keep it. I gave her some advice and recommended her to be with him if he lost his girlfriend out of kindness to him, and trust in my girlfriend.

    She claimed he was such a great guy, went on her first bike ride with him, slept at his place and done a couple of things that seriously disturbed me while i chose to ignore all of it and thought of not paying much attention.
    Ultimately, i was the one who have lost his girlfriend, so she has probably been growing something for him all along our relation since i was distant.

    When we broke up a year ago, which i'm still suffering from, she has done most of what i hate her for to this day.

    While i was struggling to get her back and have her listen to me, she said she won't be there for the night and inflicted overwhelming pain on me since she knows i could do nothing to prevent it.

    “Lol, it was fun”

    “We were 1h driving on bikes”

    “Sorry gotta go now, have a great night, i won't be there”

    “I love you but you're not gonna have me back” were things she used to say, without adding the slightest detail or telling me what exactly she's up to.
    I don't exactly know when she has moved on, and done the act of kissing somewhen else while it was something i craved throughout our relation, but it was somewhen during those nights where i was in pain while she behaved like an absolute bit*h.

    She refused to return to me, but she still asked for my presence. She has been with other people and god knows what she's done or thought of, but it must've been enjoyable for her, since she's done it, and destroyed someone during that process.
    Destroying me or, responding to her personal desires that she restrained from as she was in a relation that no longer existed are both evil. The breakup made her get far away from me and jump on all those immoral activities that she knew i didn't do.
    When i got her back, she expressed regret, but if that was the case, was clubbing that essential again? What the fuck kept her from intending those places i find extremely wrong? And we made it so far that what actually happened before no longer seems to matter to her.
    I never wish to make her feel regret everytime she sees me, but she might respect some of my insecurities and consider what she's done.

    She still does those things such as “going out now, love you, see you later” and it grow me fucking furious.
    As time passed, i noticed that she soon went back to it, and haven't changed anything. She has not helped me through anything when we got back together, and probably she thought i was too tolerant to actually ignore some things again, just like i did before, which i obviously don't do. I just feel sick thinking of how dumb i was trying to be kind to others and letting her do her things while that led me to the worst experience till now.
    There's this sweet girlfriend that i absolutely love, and her alter ego that i despise and hold so much against, but i can't set them apart. I fuse them both and treat her according to what she's done to me once, without imitating it!

    #141297

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Azouz:

    You wrote that you “grew up in a conservative household, in the middle of a confused society”- you and your now ex girlfriend were spending nights together from 16 years old, and she went clubbing from that age, crashing at a guy's home. Where were her parents, at 16, that she was able to spent nights with you and clubbing.. How is it that she asked permission from you to go clubbing and not from her parents?

    And who (didn't) supervise you in your “conservative household” that you were able to spend nights with a girl at 16…

    In the last post you used some profanity- please refrain from doing so in the future.

    You wrote in your original post: “this in itself is a psychosis I share with my father. Bipolar disorder”- will you elaborate on this statement?

    anita

     

    #141485

    Azouz
    Participant

    I apologize. I must clarify.
    She was 17 when we have first met. And we engaged into a long distance relationship.
    On my side, i was calm and was usually home, making my way through school, while she, on the other hand, was more outgoing and sort of irresponsible.

    Her mother apparently doesn't mind it, but her father used to. Now he's sick, and there is no man to supervise her, except me, which i still can't do, cause i'm far away from her. It is essentially why i was very anxious about the relation. The fact that if anything happened, i would be incapable of dealing with it. Which is the breakup later on.

    We only have spent nights together over chat, playing games and doing anything that's enjoyable, but that never seemed, nor feeled to be enough. She still had to go out, and i knew it. I was just upset on how she does not know how to behave, and on how it feels like i'm giving her away for people to actually use her.

    Trust me, i thought it was silly at first and i did not mind anything, but eventually my claims were true, and while i don't necessarily regret allowing her to do certain things, or say things, i wish to not deal with all the pain i've been through.

    She was 18 when she tried to move on, and i guess she was old enough to make decisions for herself, but they were wrong and not only i was betrayed, i had to befriend her and care for her cause she suffers from depression, which her partner didn't do when he was with her.

    My father has a similar mental attitude than mine, but still vastly different.
    When one acts stupid around me, or when someone offends me, i don't reply back, i simply turn cold and get stripped out of all emotions, and no one can trigger this apart from her, cause she's the closest.
    While it is best to leave me alone and provide me with time to get over my condition, she sticks with me after committing a certain act that upsets me cause she gets horrified over the notion that this might lead me to breaking up with her, especially when i have a valid reason for it.

    I was nice to her, to her friends, her family and i came to agree on what contradicted my terms, only because i trust her, but that only led me straight to a road full of suffering and now i'm left resentful.

    I'm sorry for employing bad words, but i find myself able to convey my hatred with those.

    #141493

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Azouz:

    Most of the interactions with her were long distance. You met her in person this last January- was that for the first time?

    Part of your attitude toward her is fitting a parent toward a child, and this is why she asked you permission to go clubbing. You took on a parental role. Although later, at  least in January of this year, if not before, you were sexually intimate with her, in person.

    You view her alternatively as an innocent child and as wicked. You feel angry at the wicked image of her, the one clubbing, swimming at night with others present.

    I was wondering about your relationship with your mother. She is much younger than your father, and throughout your childhood they did not live together. Did your mother see other men? How do you view your mother: innocent, wicked or both?

    anita

    #141499

    Azouz
    Participant

    Yes, we have only met once in person, and we have both enjoyed it. I got the opportunity to meet the woman i spent two longs years with.
    My mother is leading her own life, and while she tries to seek advice from me on her personal affairs, i ask her to never involve me in it cause i have no interets in discussing.

    I am not attempting to take on her father's role, but i learned that my girlfriend lacks morals and does not have principles. Or that's what i thought.
    At times, when we casually talk about something, she expresses her point by disapproving on a few things and i find myself glad to realise that we're on the same track, but then she does that certain thing. So while she knows it's wrong, she still does it, especially in times where we're arguing, and if she seeks to hurt me. And that's what bothers me.

    For instance, one night she might go out at 22 while i'm more into rising early. I expect her to be home very late especially that she does never follow a strict plan. She always gets additional things to do and thus, spend more time outside. We had many nights where i had to wait till 1 only to have her say she won't be home anytime soon yet, so i leave in disappointment. Honestly i never get to sleep on those nights until she texts me, so i pretend that i left. When she gets home and informs me, without replying to her, nor showing that i'm present, i succumb to sleep once i confirm that she's safe.

    Back to where i was, on this particular night where she left at 22, i was more than sure she was not gonna be back until long hours, and when i say that it's quite late for her to begin her night, she says she knows, which is exasperating, but still said she will be home at 1, but not later.
    I said i couldn't wait and kept my phone aside. 1 came, and i got no texts.. Till 4. She got home and on the next morning i asked what have changed. She said i didn't wait, so she decided to abuse her night out..

    She did not address me such as a father when she asked permission to go out. She just told me on how she was gonna be away that night, and it was so okay for me. We were still discovering one another but gradually i felt like she was not the one.
    But despite all she's done, i strangely stayed, and i loved her.

    Now, everyday passes, i get some peaceful thoughts of her and i smile on our good times together, but when i recall what she's done to me, how she treated me and how she behaved on certain periods of our entire relation, i grow excessively cold and i curse those days i've spent with her.

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