June 17, 2013 at 11:04 am #37091MicheleParticipant
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. During this time we have had several ups and downs. It all started out great (of course) we were together all the time, going places and staying home etc. He pretty much moved in to my apartment after 3 months and by 6 months we rented a house together. Once we moved in together I started seeing little things here and there, such as yelling and getting angry over nothing. I over looked the behavior at first then things kind of alarmed me. He would blow up so quickly and it caught me off guard and scared me. Once he took my new cell phone and accused me of talking to other men (which I wasn’t) and threw my phone and broke it and then threw a dining room chair and broke it, I was scared to death. The next day he apologized and it took me a couple of days and I accept the apology. Then over the past 1 1/2 things have gotten worse and more frequent. I threaten to leave several time, as far as getting in my car and always end up coming back the same day. However, 1 1/2 weeks ago I decided I had had enough, I left work early packed up some stuff and went to my parents for 4 days. He called, texted and emailed me begging and pleading for me to come home. Finally the fourth day I decided I would go home, thinking maybe I would feel different after being gone for 4 days. Well I have been back for a week and he swears up and down he has changed, he will NEVER hurt me again. He says he is ashamed of himself, he is hurting because of how he has hurt me and says he will walk the chalk now and he knows if he doesn’t I will be gone for good. Part of me wants to believe him, but another part of me really has no feeling for him anymore and I am afraid I won’t get those feelings back. I have told him this and he is still begging me not to leave. I don’t know what to do, I really want to leave but I don’t want to hurt him.
Any suggestions? Should I suck it up and leave and not worry about his feelings or I can stay and try to work it out and see if my feelings come back?June 17, 2013 at 11:41 am #37101JeffParticipant
I’m sorry, but he is abusive and under no circumstances should you go back to him. He has shown you patterns where the abuse is a consistant issue- the cell phone, the dining room chair, and now it’s getting worse and more frequent. Find a shelter if it is possible, get a restraining order if you must. But do not get into a position where he can continue the abuse, because one of these times it will not be a cell phone or chair, it will be you that he throws and breaks. If he is serious about changing, then he needs to prove it- that would include getting into couneling, going to an anger-management program, and proving for many months that he has changed- and during NONE of that time should you be living with him.
This is just my opinion, of course. But we have all seen cases where someone who abused went back because the other person “changed” only to be injured when they find out that is not the case. Best of luck to you.June 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm #37117MicheleParticipant
Jeff, thank you so much for your response. I left for four days last week and I guess I should have stayed gone. He is promising me the stars and moon right now and I just do not feel it in myself that he can ever change. I just need the strength to leave for good and not worry about his feelings.June 18, 2013 at 3:55 am #37141Nisha ChandraParticipant
Hi Michele, your statements itself suggest that you are done with the relationship but you still want him to be happy when you are gone. This is really nice of you . Well I think his feelings should not be your concern now. Mistakes can be overlooked few times but 3 years was long time for him to learn from his mistakes. Confusions in relationship makes life complicated and it eventually robs you of your happiness.
You said you don’t have feelings for him any more. This itself indicates that you should end this relationship and look forward for a better life where you don’t have to watch your every action in fear of your boyfriend reactions.
I have read a love story probably this might help in reminding you what love actually is.
I personally believe that every time love comes in our life, it comes with an expiry date. When you feel that the expiry date of your present love life has reached you should better get going else you will spoil the memories too..Well that’s my perception.June 18, 2013 at 4:01 pm #37167Sabrina BolinParticipant
Michele, I can sense your intuition guiding you in this, and it sounds like you have beautiful clarity on the choices you ultimately want to make right now.
The only thing I want to add is to surround yourself with love right now to continue supporting yourself as you honor that intuitive feeling – your family, your friends, and perhaps even a support group if you begin feeling confused or stuck again.
I googled and found this organization that looks like a great resource (I personally don’t have experience with them but again, listen to your intuition in guiding you to the right support):
Marianne Williamson speaks of relationships saying that all relationships are lessons; allow this to bring meaning to the relationship you had while you honor where you are now in moving forward.
Sending you so much love,
SabrinaJune 19, 2013 at 6:23 am #37185WendyParticipant
I read your post and feel a great deal of empathy for you, I have been in your shoes. I spent 12 years in a marriage with an abusive (now ex) husband. Like you, part of me kept wanting to give him a chance, and believed he would do what he could to make the relationship work, from his end. It took me a while to process how I could have been involved for so long, but I now realize that the trap I had fallen into was believing that the solution to problems lies in the future. It doesn’t, the solution to any problem is always found in the present.
The greatest gift I got out of that turmoil was the ability to be more present. I also learned that solutions to problems come in the present, and show evidence of that solution in the present. My mistaken belief was in believing him when he said he would do something (future), so I stayed. He gave me a lot of lip service, but never demonstrated that he was making any changes in the present. I ended up in a marriage to someone what was unemployed for six years, and was never really looking for work, but kept telling me how he was going to be working very soon (future). Worse, he was abusive of me, my kids, and of alcohol. In a healthy relationship, I would have seen him working on those issues, through counseling, and a 12-step program, AND by seeing him applying new ways of relating to people in the present, so the abuse could stop. I did not see that. Instead, he was all talk and no present-time action.
On a day to day basis, unless you see physical evidence that real change is happening (present), based on my experiences with someone who said similar things, and had similar behavior, I’d say leave. Abusive people rarely think they are being abusive, they usually blame their actions on others, and can’t make meaningful change.
The truth is, however, that you probably know this deep down, I just share my experiences because I wouldn’t wish 12 years like that on anyone. It was also in taking responsibility for my behavior that got me out of the relationship. I have to accept that I chose to believe the lies, but at the same time, I am glad I finally did figure it out. My best to you!