Hi Kaylen,

Your story reminded me of the ‘don’t think about the pink Elephant’ thought exercise that proved trying to suppress your thoughts doesn’t work. Zen, meditation, mindfulness teaches the same lesson. The harder we not think a thought the more likely such thoughts will persist.

Meditation we practice observing our thoughts without attaching to them. We notice that the mind is full of thoughts, that’s its job. We also notice that its when we attach ourselves (ego) to a thought that thoughts create more thoughts….

When we first learn to meditate, we might think that the goal is to have no thoughts and so we try to force the mind to be quiet. But that never works.  Allowing the mind to be the mind we learn to detach our sense of self from the mind allowing the thought to flow. (unless we chose to fallow a thought to see where it might lead)

Ego gives us a sense of safety and security

I’m not sure I fully agree with that definition of ego as I might argue that when we are overly attached to our ego its usually because we do not feel secure.  But perhaps that semantics as to overcome that sense of insecurity the ego will try to prop itself up to feel safe.  For example, observe others negatively so that we might view ourselves as being better then them.

Jung once made a comment that it takes a strong healthy ego (sense of Self) to let go of ego (detach from ego as the defining sense of self). Thus, we see that if we start a practice or enter into therapy we dig deep into our past the purpose being that the better we know ourselves the less likely we will be to repeat the past but something else also happens, we begin to notice that the we are not our past, or our thoughts, or our emotions… we are not our ego.  The ego is the bridge of which we communicate experiences to our self and others. (Notice how difficult it is communicate experience without reference to a ‘I’. When we attach our sense of self to the ‘I’ we are more likely to mistake the map for the territory and tell ourselves I am that.)

The goal is not to vanquish the ego but to detach the sense of self from the ego, allowing it to be what it is and play it’s part.  The tricky part is not allowing this idea of detachment to become indifference.  The goal is to be detached and engaged with life as it shows up.

Anyway, don’t be to hard on yourself.