Dear heartache,

At first I will say you cry it out. Just cry it out. Cry as much as you can. Allow your crying to release everything inside of you.

When you feel you are now a bit ok at least for a moment, come back to the below thread and do as advised.
(http://tinybuddha.com/topic/help-letting-go/#post-121648)

I am sure you will cope with what occurred and will regain back control of your life.

Take care for now,
VJ

Hey Heartache,
How are you doing?
I’m going through this right now also. Sucks. Been coming for a long time but that doesn’t make it any easier. I would like nothing more than to get a sincere apology and an attempt to be kinder and more thoughtful. To actually feel like I matter to him rather than just getting empty words. But we have no control over their actions and as hard as it is we have to just accept that they’re not the person for us. People love to tell me “it’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person” but I really struggle with feeling like this is true. I think that’s what keeps me going back.

I feel your pain. It was the same for me when I left an abusive man. But why is it that the pain of being alone and not with them seems to be worse than being with someone we know is not good for us? For me, this was because my loving an unavailable, abusive man became a form of addiction for me.

When we first met he was so charismatic. He focused all his attention on me and showered me with love. It was intoxicating. But once he had me, he metered out the dose of the ‘good guy’, whilst starting to show his darker side. So I was desperate to get the good guy back, to feel that high I first felt with him. As the lows got lower and the highs further apart, my self- esteem eroded. In fact, my self-esteem became dependent on when he showed me his love and remorse (which was intense after a bout of abuse). I knew I should leave him, that he was no good for me. But if I did, I subconsciously feared I’d lose the very thing I was addicted to. The very thing I needed to make me feel good again.

Why was I attracted to a man who was no good for me? Why did I stay when most other women would have run a mile? Why did I become addicted to an available man? That’s because I had little self-esteem. We only attract what we think we are worth. So if I feel worthless, then I attract a man who treats me as such. I didn’t know this then. When we met, i saw a damaged guy. One who was wonderful, but flawed. If I could rescue him, then he’d be that guy who swept me off my feet again. But in my rescuing, I was seeing him as the one with all the problems. So I could deny the fact that I was actually very insecure and with no self-esteem. When I left him a gamut of emotions poured out: pain, anger, loneliness etc. I have never sobbed so much in my life. It was overwhelming and I couldn’t cope with them. So I’d go back to him again and again. Back to the ‘drug’ that numbed those emotions out.

But like an addict we need to go cold turkey. We need to feel these emotions. To thaw out. As painful as it is, it is healing you. Feel them, then try to understand the root of them. I’d never experienced abuse in my family, I had a happy childhood. But I learnt that my emotional needs were not met as a child. My mother was so controlling, I wasn’t able to have emotions of my own. So I distrusted my gut feelings. Those gut feelings that screamed at me he wasn’t the man for me, but which I ignored.

I then worked hard to build my self-esteem. Through those painful thawing out days, I did one thing nice for myself each day. I took it hour by hour, if I couldn’t cope day by day. I cried the tears. I felt the pain. And then gradually I healed. And once I found out how to love myself, I never allowed anyone to treat me badly again. I met my soul mate. A man who loves me, is there for me and brings out the best in me. Decades later we are still going strong. You will get through this I promise. Thaw out and look at what the root of your pain is. What attracted you to someone who isn’t good for you in the first place. That way you won’t go back to him or head straight into the next dysfunctional relationship.

* Dear Mellissa:

It seems to me that it is better that you don’t spend time with your ex husband. It is better that your teenagers do not see you uncomfortably-getting-along with the ex. They need you mentally healthy, way more than the appearance of you getting along with their father. So, I wouldn’t join them in their outings and get togethers.

anita