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Crazy Old Lady Neighbour

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Peter 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #295539

    silvermoonu
    Participant

    So, I had a terrible situation and I’m angry about it. I live next door to a woman who took advantage of my kindness and I’m angry that I fell for it. I had bad feelings around her. And I asked for privacy with her .

    My question is, when ppl don’t respect our boundaries and are using us to get their needs met, how do we respond? I actually had to get outside help.

    I’m angry that my gaslighting upbringing with abusive alcoholics made me feel guilted into helping a cunning, manipulative old fuck who isn’t a sweet little old lady. Old people are monsters sometimes.

    I don’t want to be lectured to, I’m just angry that my entire life has been a battle against evil starting age six.

    She told a lot of lies and her hand was finally revealed when she made up an outright malicious lie about someone living here.

    The majority of those I meet I want nothing to do with as an INFJ traumatised person who finds ppl draining and difficult, emotionally wearing. The caretaker in me is suffering. I will not return. Meyers briggs is pretentious , but in this case, it fits .

    #295599

    anita
    Participant

    Dear silvermoonu:

    If you want, describe what happened with the neighbor, how did she cunningly manipulate you into helping her, what did she say to you, and what happened after you helped her?

    Also, I don’t know what you mean by “I asked for privacy with her” and by “I actually had to get outside help”?

    anita

     

    #295619

    Mark
    Participant

    silvermoonu,

    As an INFJ myself, I know that most of us are highly sensitive to other people’s feelings.  Plus we are gentle and caring.  It sucks that your upbringing was being gaslighted by abusive alcoholic parents.  Such an upbringing would program your unconscious into being attracted to and attracting such other types of abusers/gaslighters.  This neighbor is such a person is she not?

    I find that breaking such unconscious patterns takes a lot of self awareness, mindfulness and some therapeutic help.

    Mark

    #298373

    silvermoonu
    Participant

    hi anita and mark

    am tired, so bit off. yea i asked her to leave me be and she wouldn’t. i had to ask the office to tell her to leave me alone. she basically pretended to be this sweet lady and it soon turned out she was quite the opposite.

    yes , this woman is very manipulative and actually lies a lot. i think she is an undiagnosed borderline type, although i dislike labels. but she is a drama maker for sure. i have actually seen her laugh at ppl who fall down and i also have witnessed her relishing my discomfort when the fire dept. came (my smoke alarm wouldn’t shut off). i am very sensitive to other ppl’s feelings and yes we are gentle and caring. she tried to prey on it.

    frankly i think she is truly crazy. and yea i think i am quite mindful and it’s all for learning. thanks for caring.

    #298477

    anita
    Participant

    Dear silvermoonu:

    “I don’t want to be lectured to, I’m just angry that my entire life has been a battle against evil starting age six”-

    – the “Crazy Old Lady Neighbor” in my childhood experience was my mother. She was the “undiagnosed borderline type”, only I wouldn’t use the word “type”, because none of the people I met in person was like her, not with me.

    anita

    #298515

    Peter
    Participant

    My question is, when ppl don’t respect our boundaries and are using us to get their needs met, how do we respond? I actually had to get outside help.

    Interesting question. A part of having healthy boundaries is being conscious of knowing when they are being challenged and how to protect them.  Based on my own experience I tend to know when my boundaries are challenged but not how to protect them. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I want people to like me. I found that because of that I needed to get angry in order to stand up for myself. You can imagine how well that works. Anger creates anger.

    How to respond when our boundaries aren’t being respected? With respect and honestly… even though its easier to get angry and start burning bridges.  In my perfect world I would approach the neighbor and have an honest conversation of how I was hurt. If they respond by getting angry or push back in anyway… let them know that its best if we respect each others space and avoid future interactions. What I would do… avoid the person and work on letting go of any resentments and stuff.

    What I learned while trying to get better at protecting my boundaries?

    1 – Its ok for people not to like me. 2 -Sometime love requires a relationship to end. Its more loving to ourselves and others when were honest about our boundaries.  3 -Anger is not required to protect one’s boundaries. Anger may be a indication that we are reacting to the situation vice responding to it. 4 – Boundaries are not meant to be ridged but to get our attention that something is making us uncomfortable and that action may be required. The more conscious we are of what boundary is being challenged and why its important the better we will be to respond vice react. 5 – Forgiveness does not absolve accountability nor dos it mean were required to re-establish a relationship. Forgiveness allows us to let go of resentment and anger.

     

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