Dear Billie:

You wrote: “Basically, what has been eating me up from the inside is this: I don’t seem to have real suffering yet..” and “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way when I don’t see a real reason to feel so bad about myself.”

You know and you do not know at the same time the nature of your suffering. You know your father abused you physically and mentally for one, that is the reason you are still looking for a man to love you. And yet you do not know it.

This is very common, to know … and not to know something at the same time. In some part of your brain, you know. Other parts of your brain do not know. The emotion connected to the experience of having been abused by your father and by your younger brother is detached to a large extent from relatively dry, neutral memories of such abuse and bullying.

Without enough of the emotion behind these memories, you don’t really know those things happen, or you don’t know enough. So you never process what happened adequately. Because living is not a dry, intellectual, neutral activity- emotion is necessary. It is who we are as we evolved from highly emotional animal stock. First there were instincts and emotions… then there was logic. Logic without emotion is good enough when you decipher how to operate a machine, let’s say, but it is not good enough to live a good life.

How do you associate the emotions you really, really didn’t want to feel then and still don’t? Good psychotherapy will do. It will feel badly but you already feel badly. The foot is heavily on the brakes: No pain, no pain! is the motivation, automatic. It takes good psychotherapy. You can write more here if you would like. Maybe you can write about your experience with your father here but do it imagining you are a young child, using a young child language…

anita

Billie,

I feel like I know what you’re talking about. I’ve felt the same way in different seasons of my own personal life. I too come from a relatively stable background. The most difficult step for me was in realizing that my feelings were valid and I actually had a right to feel the emotions I was feeling.

Just because you aren’t living in a war torn country, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel the feelings you’re feeling. In fact, often when our base needs are fulfilled, depression can be stronger because we believe there should be no reason for our depression. Like the great Texas troubadour Townes Van Zandt sang on To Live is to Fly:

“We all got holes to fill
And them holes are all that’s real”

…and:

“Everything is not enough
And nothin’ is too much to bear
Where you’ve been is good and gone
All you keep’s the getting there”

So true. Some day, you may find that the adversities and these experiences that you’ve had with your family brought the color to your life. It pays to look at things objectively though.

Sure you’re allowed to feel the way you do, but what next. Knowing your feelings are valid doesn’t make them go away. I thought it was funny what you said about being able to will away emotions. It reminded me of an old Seinfeld episode when Kramer brought “serenity now” onto the scene…eventually, he and George’s emotions were so bottled up they exploded. Certainly not a long term solution. Focusing on the positive has merit, but it won’t get you there.

You said that you were not quite willing to seek help outside of the forums. I’d invite you to reconsider. A counselor/life coach/therapist…can make all the difference. It’s really nice to have another person to talk to and who will listen to you completely objectively (a person without skin in the game). It’s often free, or paid for by insurance depending on where you live. Sessions are confidential, and they will typically go through what to expect in the first session.

I think Inky is on the right track. It may be good to pursue something you’re excited about. There are so many blogs on “finding your passion”… When we take steps on the path we are meant to walk, when we stop trying to live someone else’s plan for us, joy tends to creep back into our lives.

Your partner sounds really quite unique and understanding. I’m wondering about your impression of WHY you’re seeking out that male comfort and reassurance. This is one area counseling could help, but I’m wondering if it has to do with filling a void left by your father’s conditional love. I’m not going to pretend to know.

The birthmark? I doubt other people are even as remotely concerned about it as you. We often hyper focus on our own issues and the truth is, other people are so concerned about their own faults to bother worrying about yours. Read the clasic play Cyrano de Bergerac. :)…or the modernized movie with Steve Martin “Roxanne”. The main protagonist lives with an unusually large nose…

Anyway, I’m hoping that what I wrote will help you to look at your situation a little differently. Basically, your feelings are valid, these adversities may make amazing poetry some day, pursue something that lights you up with some of your free time, and don’t be afraid to get live 1:1 help. You can’t begin to imagine what your potential is until you open up and take the steps. 🙂

Cheers,

Mark

Dear Billie:

You are presently still deeply HURT by your father’s rejection and mistreatment of you. You are still angry that he treated you, maybe still treats you that way. You still need and want him to accept you, to love you.

This is very unfortunate that you suffered a father like that. It was not your fault. The suffering you experience, the discontent, you can change that by HEALING from the injuries of your abuse by your father and lack of love in your childhood. Healing with good psychotherapy so to gain insight, skills… to confront core beliefs, test their reality, change those that are not true.

Volunteering will not help at this point, neither will the best girlfriend in the world… nothing will except in the context of you getting on the healing path with good psychotherapy.

anita

Billie,

You may not realize it now, but it appears that you’re at the beginning of a grand journey. How long you sit at the beginning is up to you. Deep down, you probably feel something pulling you. You have some work ahead of you. It will take more than just looking at your beliefs and attitudes. You’ll also need to “do”. You can ignore or answer the call, it’s up to you. That quiet nag won’t leave you alone until you have the courage to act though. I was in a similar place in my early 20s. I ignored and avoided, and finally, almost 20 years later…after general drift, and failed relationships , I started the journey. Looking back, I see that I could have started much earlier. I waisted years, but really, it doesn’t matter. All we have is this present moment. What we do with it defines us in our future.

You’ll probably hate this idea, but it sounds like at some point you will be confronted with a choice to forgive your father and brother…or not. What you do in that moment, will define your path. The way you’re feeling right now is just a result of what you’re choosing to hold on to. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting…or excusing. The only thing forgiveness means is that you are not going to let those experience continue to hold power over you. …it’s a letting go of the past. …it’s an opening up to yourself when you forgive. It’s an active process and not just an event, so if you choose to forgive, hang in there. The most amazing life is still ahead for you.

A word on forgiveness: You don’t need to have a conversation to forgive. You can simply, within yourself, forgive… You don’t need to be in the presence of the abuser to forgive. Something amazing happens when you let go of your attachment to such a negative influence.

Even hints of forgiveness are helpful. You begin to recognize the man for who he is. more than likely, he was abused also. More than likely, he’s operating on what he knows based on his ingrained beliefs and emotions, however warped. To break the cycle by letting go has the ability to free you from those hurt and aimless feelings. Again, it’s a process though. I hope this helps.

Cheers,

Mark