Your decision to downsize, in my opinion for what its worth, is a sound and good one.

Happiness does not come from all the stuff we have. As you yourselves have discovered the “dream home” did not create the dream but a burden of anxiety.  That’s the thing with stuff,  more often then not, instead of enjoying it we live the fear of losing it.

I’m 55, sole bread winner, prone to depression, and getting tired – ready to re-tire. Ready or not the next sage of life is before us and the questions start to arise, what do we want it to look like? Do we continue to strive and push… how much do we really need? What is truly important. Its understandable as we grasp and hold on to the illusions of the past, how things should be even suspecting that we don’t really want those things that we fall into depression.

There is no reason for regret. Nothing stopping you from pursuing a new dream house, but you already know that you wont, its not what you or your family needs or wants. The dream “home” your seeking in the second half of life isn’t about brick and mortar and stuff.

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.” ― Fernando Pessoa

Dear Stephen:

I have read a whole lot from people having had a troubled, painful childhood, I had one. Thing is I never read a person stating a downsized home was a source of pain. It is always one’s relationships that cause that pain.

I think that our most important resource for well-being, by far, is our relationships. And it doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be happy with your family, wife, children. If you are honest with them, if you contain your distress enough so to not overwhelm them with it, if you consider their well-being when you speak to them respectfully and empathetically, that goes a long way toward their well being and yours.

A child does not carry “a very expensive dream home” with him or her as they enter adulthood and proceed through adulthood. A child takes with him or her the relationships in the home.

If you would like to share more about the nature of your depression, please do. I would like to read about it and reply to you further.

anita

Hi Stephen,

Sorry it’s been a whole year that you’ve been working in a high pressure position in an area you’re unfamiliar with and not right for. I understand you’ve done well in previous stress filled roles at work, but I find that as I get older, managing work related stress gets more difficult. It’s almost like the cushion or buffer that allows some people (like me) to function well in stressful environments begins to wear thin to the point where we just don’t want to do it anymore. Dealing with the death of both parents not long before taking on this new work challenge has exacerbated the situation for you (as it would anyone), I’m thinking. And you’re the main breadwinner in your family. I can certainly understand how all of the above would give rise to panic attacks and a tougher than normal episode of depression. Is it possible to get out of this job and back into something you are more familiar with and confident in that is less anxiety producing? You did the right thing by downsizing. With no mortgage and less financial pressure, finding a healthier balance between work and fun (if this is possible) may help you feel better mentally. I think most of us reach a point where we believe our high earning days are behind us and realize that there’s more to life than work. For me, having the time to do the little things I look forward to like going to a movie, museum, book store, etc. is better than having a dream home in an expensive neighborhood. Do you have any time in your life to do the things you love? And do you think if your wife saw a happier, less stressed husband that she would feel better about this move?

B

I think you made a good decision. A smaller home costs less, requires less time to clean and keep up with repairs…. Once you retire you will have more freedom to take trips… because your monthly expenses will be lower and it will take less time and money to handle the cleaning and upkeep. A big house is not what makes a person happy. Take a breath. You have had a lot of change in your life in a short period of time.  Work on filling this house with love and happiness and I am sure neither of you will regret the change.

You are welcome, Stephen. Post again anytime.

anita