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Curious to find out where I stand but not too stressed about it

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  • #64606
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    “I am not going to try to force something that isn’t good for me again.” Awesome! Good insight. So we agree on what Not to Do.

    Re: what To Do. Try talking with the other ladies online. Or. From your earlier post: “I haven’t done anything as far as trying to date elsewhere. I don’t belong to any organizations and I am too focused on getting good produce to hit on women at the super market.” Honestly IMHO this is less than awesome. Steve, push your comfort zone! You are limiting your life with only online dating sites. But, no, I’m not telling you to become a Toastmaster and to drop your blueberries in the grocery store checkout line. 🙂

    Big blue

    PS: what about that sense of humor thing?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Big blue.
    #64609
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Did you mean using my sense of humour? Yeah, I have been doing that all along. I did message her at about six yesterday. I kept it light and didn’t get serious about anything. She never responded back but she is on that site a lot . I think I send too long of messages and I didn’t message her today.

    People say that I should let her message me back but I don’t know if that will come. Now I notice an uncomfortable feeling that I can only try to explain. I didn’t have much with her, and who knows if I will have anything, but it reminds me a little of the rejection I felt when my marriage ended. Nothing close to the level I felt then, but something.

    That is one of the things I hate about online dating. People are very fickle and it is so disconnected.

    I should be stretching my comfort zone. Sometimes, I am just too tired after work or just too broke.

    Before we had our date, and just after we spent that time together,I was becoming so comfortable in my skin. I was at ease and I felt like I could something special with this woman. Now, I’m getting all edgy and unsure of everything. I think women just drive me nuts.

    #64610
    Pooch
    Participant

    Hi again Steve, of course that is not my real name, it’s just a user name 😉

    I think your family has a good point in saying that you should wait for her to message you back. She is most likely communicating, if not seeing multiple people in this early stages of online dating…You need to let her respond to you, but in the meantime you really need to contact other women. Sorry, that may have sounded pushy, but you can’t focus on only one woman at this time, specially if she is not being as responsive as you would like. She’s not focused and anxious about you, so I wouldn’t be so anxious either. whether or not she replies back to you should not cause you so much stress. Spread your energy else where…maybe try to go on meetup.com. It’s a site that allows you to join a group that is specific to your interest and meet up with people in a casual atmosphere.

    Take care 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Pooch. Reason: Typos
    #64614
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Pooch,

    I know what everyone is saying, and I do understand it. Dwelling on something like this terrible for a person. I think people have little battles within themselves. They know what the right thing to do is, but they try to do the wrong thing that will only end up hurting themselves.

    I think my biggest hurdle is letting things with women I meet, progress at the pace it is going to progress. I haven’t had love in my life for years, and now that I am starting to become the person I use to be again, I want to share that with someone who deserves it.

    #64616
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    Couldn’t stop myself from sharing my experience on the same lines…this friend whom I like is giving me mixed signals too… I swear it’s just so irritating…like occupies your mind with different thoughts everytime. Each time I discuss with him, I end up being disappointed!

    IGNORE is the policy that would work it seems. I will share what he gave the reason of not proceeding:-
    According to him, love marriage brings defame to his family and society. And he doesn’t patience (‘courage’ here) to pursue a girl and then talk to family and convince them. Oh my…My mind is blowing………..
    He chooses easy way out, to marry a girl his parents choose for him. And the care he shows towards me, is just a friendly one! Whoa, well, I don’t know if even after knowing that your friend feels more than a friend for you, one would show that extra care? Hiding! Seriously, I can’t take it man…..
    I’m telling myself now, there are some people I just can’t understand and I SHOULDN’T try to understand them either. I’m too happy with myself to make anyone mess up my peace of mind!.

    Gosh! Can’t believe, I was writing here and guess who comes to my desk, him!, made me nervous, phew…….to return an empty carry bag that we used on trip (group) together. Seeeee, just when I decide to stop thinking about him, he comes being polite and extra nice. Kills me! He doesn’t know what I feel for him. 🙁

    #64881
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,
    It’s been a while since I posted here, and this is something on my mind, and I have been able to get some very good advice from a lot of people here. Most of it is just common sense that I already know, but I doesn’t seem to click sometimes.

    Ok, enough jibber jabber. I’m very attracted to a woman that I met online and then in person. She said she is a slow mover and I was willing to go that course and see how things went. I’m doing what ever I can to be patient and see how things progress. I don’t text her as often and she is responding back when I do. Maybe it’s a time thing.

    She took her daughter on a little getaway this weekend. We texted on Saturday and it was light and fun. I sent her a picture of the plating presentation my younger son made for my older son’s birthday breakfast in bed. (He is 11 and watches the food network way too much 🙂 ) She said it looked amazing.
    Today she sent me a picture of her and her daughter on a kiddy ride at the amusement park they went to. I told her that I told my son that she thought that his plate looked amazing. She asked if my kids know who she is. I said that I told him that someone I know thought it looked nice. I said ” I see” and that was the end of texting.

    I went on to explain that She knows that I want to get to know her better but no matter who I become close to, I wouldn’t want to rush that person or my sons into any situation too quickly. My ex did that to them on two different occasions and they were very uncomfortable.
    Then I let her know she would be a great person to introduce to anyone, but I didn’t think it would make sense at this time. I thought that she maybe asked because she thought I was mentioning her to my kids already. I said that I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

    My problem is trying to read this situation. She holds back a lot so I spend time trying to figure it out. Sometimes, I think that she doesn’t want to get hurt again, and she is very guarded. With her, I’m not sure how quickly I can move with her. I want to ask her out again but I don’t know if I am pushing too much. It’s been two weeks since we met.

    I am meeting another woman I’ve been talking to today. She is pretty easy going, divorced for a long time, and has been in the dating game a while. I just want to see how that goes.

    One other woman that I have been talking to is probably the example that I shouldn’t be. I’m seeing what I possibly look like sometimes to the woman that I am most attracted to. Her messages are becoming more needy, and she keeps saying how we are so much alike, and we have to meet. I understand that she is looking for a connection with someone. I am too but I just don’t know if it’s her. Also, I don’t say things like that to the woman I am most attracted to.

    I feel like I say too much to the woman I am most interested in. Maybe some of the messages she reads, she just feels good about but doesn’t think she has to message back. I’m a little stuck about how to approach her. How much space do I keep giving her?
    I don’t even know when to ask her out again. I don’t know if she was offended or relieved that my kids don’t know who she is ? If things ever more forward with her, and something grows from this, she would be a woman I would love for my sons to meet.

    Is that last sentence something I should text her or would that be too much?

    #64882
    Matt
    Participant

    Steve,

    It seems to me a lot of analyzing and guessing and aiming are being done just from her “I see”. Consider staying with the mystery next time, instead of trying to catch it, respond to the potential meanings you see on her side. Such as “oh, what do you see?”, or “how do you feel about it?”… just staying curious. The feeling of insecurity is normal, but try to remember you don’t own what she’s thinking, all you ever really own is your side. Such as: Its enough that you know you’d love her to meet your kids when the time is right.

    If you feel fear she might not know that, just breathe, its OK, let it go, what she thinks is her business. Its moving slowly, which means hopefully she wouldn’t run a million places with your words, and if she does, she can bring them up. Otherwise, its like we get stuck running around a house repairing issues that we don’t even know are issues, wasting energy. Said differently, perhaps put down the Mr. Fix-it, and relax. Just be open. 🙂 That’s what gives us the stability to respond with our side if/when she is feeling oddly and indicates it.

    Glad to hear you’re exploring more. Great work! Keep it up! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #65112
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The saga continues. I think I am creating situations for myself where I set myself up to fail with women that I meet. The woman that I was hung up on, I just decided to mellow out on that situation. I went out with someone else and had a great time. Now I really like this one too. The problem is, when that first date magic happens, I go overboard with my compliments and how much I like them after that meeting.
    The second woman is definitely not dragging her feet and says she had an immediate attraction to me. She wants to see me and asks when we are getting together again. I feel if I don’t take action with her, that opportunity will pass. She also has kids. There is pretty much no chance of me finding a woman without them. Hers are 16 and 14 though. The other woman’s is 2.

    Where do you go from here? I’m a pretty mellow guy. The first woman I met is very relaxed but a little aloof. She is still texting me though. The second one is higher energy which is nice too. She kind of amps me up and makes me want to be with her. She wants a relationship for sure.
    I feel that it could be time to focus my energy on one person but I don’t want to move too fast.
    This is something I didn’t even deal with before I was married. It’s a different place to be.

    #65114
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    A couple comments:

    1. Could your rapid and over the top praise around the first date be serving you for some feeling of inadequacy? In other words, are you making yourself feel better by proclaiming her wonderful-ness?

    2. If you are seeking a woman who does not have kids, with online dating, can you state this?

    “The saga continues. I think I am creating situations for myself where I set myself up to fail with women that I meet.”

    “There is pretty much no chance of me finding a woman without them.”

    In my case, if I were doing online dating, for example, I would say “non-smoker.” I would not then meet up with a smoker and then wonder why I’m not happy and failing to find a good match.

    Does this make sense?

    Big blue

    #65172
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Steve!
    I think we are similar when it comes to new relationships – I fall hard and quick and like to let the other person know. Which I have learned, KILLS it. You just have to hold back a little. For two reasons: First, it makes the other person sweat it a bit, which is a GOOD thing. Everyone wants a little chase. Second, and most importantly – for YOU. You need to figure out how you actually feel about this person and that takes a little time. From what I’ve read above, you seem to kind of decide that you are really into someone and can see a future with said person before you actually have spent a lot of time with her and KNOW her. Not trying to be harsh, because I do the SAME thing. I have just seen it blow up in my face. So at this point, have decided that the best thing to do is take things slowly. Which is probably what your aloof lady friend is doing as well. If you guys are hitting it off when you’re with each other, but she just holds back a little with talk of futures and feelings and stuff, to me that’s just a sign that she’s trying to do this the right way and build something solid, whomever it happens to be with.
    So what I think you should do at this point: continue talking to and seeing both ladies, being honest about it if it comes up. You never know what will develop with either one of these people. I actually think not focusing ALL your energy on one person would be a good thing right now…it’ll give you a chance to not get too wrapped up too soon in either one of these ladies.
    Anyway, just my two cents. Good luck. 🙂

    #65192
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think both Big Blue and Katie have good points. I really need to pull back a bit. The woman I met the other day is a firecracker but it feels like she wants it too much too. I feel like I should pull back a bit. The first woman I met is a little more level. I don’t know if things with her will fly. I brought up meeting this weekend and she was going to see if she could find a babysitter. Sometimes, I think I just want to go with my emotions and say good things to someone I like.

    I don’t think it is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to complimenting them. I’m just doing too soon now. About seeing both of them, it does seem like the best thing to do to get to know who I want to maybe want to build a relationship with.

    #65222
    Katie
    Participant

    Steve, I hear ya about wanting to say good things to someone you like. I am this way too. I like telling people how I feel, and have been really resistant to playing this “game” with holding back, being a little reserved at times, etc. However, my experiences just in the last couple of months have taught me that as much as I hate it, the whole dating thing really is a game. But it doesn’t have to be a bad one!! It’s just better not to lay all your cards out on the table right away (too many compliments, future-talk, etc.). For whatever reason, when someone knows they’ve got the other person’s feelings in the bag from the get go, they start to lose interest. They don’t have to try anymore. You know?

    #65253
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank again Katie for your input. The funny thing is, the less I play the game, the more the second woman wants to spend time with me. Right now, I have a date on Saturday and one on Sunday with the first woman I met.
    She is great too. I just think she takes things slower and is a little more guarded.
    I’m not going to do this too long. I’ve never had this happen to me before, and after what I went through for the past few years after my marriage ended, I didn’t think anyone would want me again. My self esteem was so low. Now two great women are interested in me. It’s a good feeling.

    #65513
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am confused right now. I took some good advice, decided to be patient with the first woman that I liked and went on a couple of dates with the other woman I was talking to. Where the first woman is guarded and doesn’t show much to me. The second woman let me know that she was attracted right away.

    I was attracted to her too. We’ve had two dates and they were both romantic. I think I texted her too much, and I think I complimented her too much. Now she wants to slow things down because she feels like things were moving too fast. I agreed with her because I like her a lot but it’s frustrating. She was just as open about her feelings and even more so than I was. The problem is, I care about her already, and I want to know her.

    It’s strange because when one of the women cools down, the other one warms up. On Saturday I saw the second woman and it was romantic. It was such a good feeling being with her. On Sunday, I was supposed to go on a date with the first woman. When I got to her place, I had the funniest date in a long time. We set up her new bed and then went for supper together. The funniest part was, I enjoyed helping her do that. I was a great time and we laughed a lot.

    Just when I think nothing will happen with her, she is giving me a huge hug and kissing me on her front lawn. After the second woman texted that we should slow down, the first woman texts and wants to go for a date on Friday. I don’t want to carry this on for a long time. I’ve always been a one woman man and that woman knows that they are the only one for me. It just feels like I don’t know where I stand with either one of them now.

    I’m not going to text the second woman for a few days. She still wants a date on Sunday and says she still likes me. I like her a lot. She stirred a lot of emotions in me that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe the first woman is a slow builder and wants to see if something can really happen between us. She isn’t sentimental and doesn’t care much for romance.

    I’m just confused. I like the second woman and now she pulled away a little. I like the first woman but I haven’t a clue where she stands with anything to do with me.
    Can anyone help me here? Either that or a little reassurance that if I don’t worry about it, things will work out for the best.

    #65624
    Pooch
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    I think you just need to continue whatever you have been doing until you are ready to move on with one of the two women. If some time passes and nothing is progressing, might be time to pursue new ones.

    It will all work out 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Pooch.
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