Dear Ladybug:

It is too difficult, uncomfortable and distressing for your father to get to know you, to have deep conversations, to interact with you the ways you need. It is calming for him to watch TV and be in front of the computer. He avoids what is uncomfortable for him and reaches out for what is comfortable for him. He obviously tries to be a good father, coaching your soccer team, checking in with: how are you doing? before going for his calming activities. Like you perceived correctly, he has been following a “to do list.”

He is not a bad person, from your share. Just not a good-enough parent. You are an intelligent young woman, astute, perceptive, understanding of what really is going on around you, and has been going on for a while. I am glad you were not as damaged as many other children have been, so damaged that they do not, and can not have the clear insight that you have.

I hope you got quality time with your mother…?

Back to your father: I have no doubt that you loved him and love him very much.Feeling anger at him does not take away from the love, the longing you had for him since the beginning of your life.

I understand that longing, that desire for closeness. It is a natural need. We are born and are completely loving as young children, without reservations, willing to do and be anything to deserve that closeness that we seek. He was that way himself when he was a young child. All children are. And then he shut down because he was hurt, frustrated.

It would have been… more than nice if he could wake up from his emotional stupor when he saw your young face, your bright eyes looking up to him… and as a result, if he crossed his discomfort-zone and did what was uncomfortable for him. But people often do what is comfortable and avoid what is not. I suppose he forgot, as most adults do, how much HE needed closeness when he was a child.

Really, it was his job, his responsibility to love you and he didn’t do a good-enough job at it. True, most parents do not, but that doesn’t take away from your pain that it so happened in your life. It is your choice how to proceed. You don’t owe him to accept him the way it is. You can choose to go as far…. as not having contact with him. I am not recommending you cut contact with him and I am not recommending you keep contact with him. What I am trying to communicate with you is that you don’t owe him anything. He owed you. You don’t owe him.

What I am recommending is that you accept reality for what it is, who your father is, what reality is otherwise. Continue, as you do, to see things as they are, and then decide, choose who to interact with, who to not interact with, what sorts of interactions…. and avoid trying to get water out of a rock.

What do you think?

anita

Hi Ladybug

Does you dad talk much more with your mum and brother? is it only you he doesn’t communicate enough with?

It sounds to me that he is a good man, that the main thing that you would prefer change in, is to communicate more and have more depth in your talks with your father?

To me it also sounds like your dad lives life on auto pilot, he works to provide for his family and he tries, minus the talking enough part. Perhaps he is or is not trying enough, but he has settled into a life of routine. Perhaps you are right and he has low grade depression?, or he is numbing out life and has settled with the distraction of TV and computer?

Some people naturally don’t chit chat much, or are just naturally quieter. Maybe you dad will never be a great talker, maybe you dad never was?

‘I also don’t believe that men can express their emotions openly’ you dad might not express his feeling enough or in a way you can relate best but I think by what you wrote you dad does love love…you say your dad has cried (‘he has cried and apologized’ when you talked to him on how you ‘feel like he doesn’t love me because he doesn’t spend quality time with me and really get to know me’).
Some people show they care by providing for their family, and by being present ….physically. Anyway it’s hard to know how your life is from a letter.

May I make some suggestions?

Get you dad out of the house sometimes. Is he open for spending some quality time with you (with or without your brother and mum?)? I personally have found the very best days spent with people who are closed (or negative etc) are the ones where they are put in a different situation then normal, are put outside there comfort zone. My mum is overall very negative, so I try to limit the time spent with her and I also try to arrange family days where my children and partner take her somewhere eg a boat rafting day with us or a forest walk…the newness distracts and gets them involved in the present …enjoying the present. Gives you something to experience and chat about.

Are you both open to the idea of arranging fun time together either just you two or with your whole family? even if it’s just one day a month?

What do you know about you dad? Has he told you all about his childhood, his experiences ?, what he would like for the future? Curiosity on his life? and sharing things you enjoyed from your childhood, fun times with him?? (I hope you have some good childhood memories with your family and dad?). Share the present, maybe not everyday but have some time put aside, something arranged? when there are no distractions?

Best wishes

Hi Again!

I actually used the Whole Foods example because Whole Foods represents US and the Malomars represents TV/internet! LOL

You NEED real food, but we CRAVE what tastes good!

When you’re out of the house and only visit occasionally, your Dad will actually look forward to seeing you!