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Dating a man who's going through a divorce

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  • February 4, 2018 at 3:54 pm #190679
    Kelly
    Participant

    I met a man online about six months ago. He’s been separated for 2 1/2 years and just started divorce negotiations he’s hoping that it’ll all be done in a couple of months. He has three young kids. His time with the kids is important and time consuming his issues with his ex-wife always emotional and also time-consuming. I feel like I get what he can give me. He says he’s waiting for everything to be over and for him to be free. But he still will not profess his dedication to me in anyway. He says he’s emotionally unreliable. I am a very patient woman and I think he’s worth the wait. We have a great time together and he’s never showed me any disrespect. My fear is that once everything is over he will let me down as well and move on. He hasn’t given me any indication that he wants to be in a dedicated relationship with me. But the time we spent together seems real and he wouldn’t be spending this time if you didn’t enjoy it I would think since he’s so busy constantly. Should I wait? If so how long? Anyway I feel like I’m imprisoned by his life and mine can’t move on unless his does to mean I’m codependent? I’m very unsure of myself at the moment and it makes me sad.

    February 5, 2018 at 5:28 am #190759
    Soul-searcher
    Participant

    Hi there,

    i also had to go through a divorce with a man who had just separated from his wife, but in this case he only had the one son. It will not be easy for him at all, however strong he may seem on the outside hes probably crumbling on the inside. Its a whole new way of life for him now, he cant see the children every day he needs to move house etc.. On the other hand this doesnt mean he has to push you out of the picture. Whatever he is going through you have to be there beside him, so personally in my case i think when you are both somewhere comfortable and relaxed ask him are you and i together? Do you want to be together? He needs to make it clear otherwise you may give your heart and soul and time to this man who may just say he doesnt want to carry on anymore after his hard time finishes. Think about yourself too  🙂

    Blessings

    x

    February 5, 2018 at 7:45 am #190801
    Mark
    Participant

    Kelly,

    You say that you feel like you are imprisoned by his life and you can’t move on unless his does.

    Note what you wrote.  You used the word “imprisoned.”  That is a strong word to use.  Is that a way to live your life, being held prisoner?

    Whether you are codependent or not, you are putting your life on hold for a man who is not available for you and probably won’t be after he finalizes his divorce.

    Common therapeutic wisdom for dealing with people who are still in or just out of a long term relationship is to give them a year after the divorce papers have been signed before you date them.  They need that long in order to figure out their life on their own.  They need that time to process the past relationship, figure out how to manage it with the children, emotionally heal and become independent.  Men tend to want to be taken care of so they look for another relationship immediately after the previous one ends.

    Mark

    February 5, 2018 at 9:48 am #190857
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kelly:

    Are you hoping to make a life with him as your partner, later, when he is ready?

    Meaning, are you comfortable with, willing and able to become a step mother to his three young children, to have their mother in your life for as long as the children are minor, and maybe after as the two parents co-parent the children?

    I wonder if you have thought this thoroughly.

    anita

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