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Dating: He got in touch 6 months after breaking off contact

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #105925
    Ina
    Participant

    So, I’m a bit confused.
    I started talking to this guy on an internett dating site about a year ago.
    It went really well and we had lots of common interests. After talking online during the summer, we finally met up in August for a movie date. It was a really good date, or at least I thought so. I am extremely introverted and I take a long time to warm up to people and small talk is really hard for me. So a movie date was perfect. We met up an hour before the film and just chatted. It all went really well and we had lots to talk about and we met up again a couple of weeks later for a dinner. Again things went well. We were probably a bit reserved both of us and he has a very young son so we were taking things slow.

    On our 3rd date he invited me over to his. I ended up spending six hours just talking to him and we talk very easily with each other.
    This was in mid-November. I felt everything was going okay though I’d like to have moved things along a little faster. Even by third date we had not kissed. But I felt a connection to him and I really started to like him.
    We planned for a forth date but he cancelled saying he was sick. Then suddenly he just fell off the face of the earth. I asked him to meet up again and he just said he was super busy and would be for a long time, I got the hint that he didn’t want to continue seeing each other anymore. I kept wondering what the hell happened and after two weeks I sent him a text. I know I probably shouldn’t have but I just needed to know what went wrong. I told him I liked him and that I spend a lot of time getting to know a person but that I felt we had a good thing going. He did reply (I didn’t think he would) and said that he enjoyed the time we spent together but that he also felt we were both a little shy and that there maybe wasn’t that great spark there. He also said he was really busy with work and his kid.

    It was a blow as I really liked him and over the next few months I did wonder what went wrong and I thought of him now and then. Even when I had the opportunity to go on a date again, I decided to decline. I didn’t feel the connection and thought it was a cruel thing to accept a date when I wasn’t ready.

    Then completely out of the blue last week, about six months after we last spoke he texted med again. Asking about how I was. I told him I was really surprised to hear from him again and that I was doing well.
    He replied with saying “Yeah, I know. But I was thinking about you the other day and how you were doing. And I wanted to hear if you wanted to meet me for a coffee or something?”
    I still really liked him and I had thought about him so I accepted. He texted quickly back that he was happy about that. He then told me it was my turn to invite him to my place since the last time had been at his. So I did. I invited him over the same weekend. He told me he had plans. But then later the same day he said those plans were scrapped and he’d like to come that weekend.
    He showed up on Saturday with a couple of bottles of champagne and we had a lovely night, where we talked for hours. I still felt the connection from before and I felt more comfortable around him now. He left in the night and left his car at my house since we had been drinking. The next morning he was over to pick up his car, he then left his bike. A few days later he picked up his bike. We haven’t spoken since he picked up his bike, which was only like two days ago.

    BUT on Saturday there was a parade in town and everyone, literarily, was out. I saw him with his ex-girlfriend (the mother of his son) and he didn’t even acknowledge me (I am sure he saw me). I know that he probably has not told his ex about me, but it was like he didn’t know me at all. I was with my family (my brother, his wife and their kids). It was just a surreal situation.

    I just need advice in what to do. Right now I’m thinking I should wait for him to make contact. But I can’t shake the feeling in my gut that he isn’t going to contact me. That he is just, again, going to let this pan out like the last time (when he just stopped communicating), I really, really like him and I just think it’s strange if he contacted me again after all these months and then just seize contact after such a short time.

    HELP! What to do??

    #105928
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear inis:

    This is a difficult situation for you. The worst choice on your part, I believe, would be to wait and wait… and wait for him to contact you. If I was you, I would contact him and ask to meet for coffee because you need to talk. At such a meeting ask him what is going on with him?

    Ask him why he didn’t acknowledge you at the parade, if he is still dating (on and off, perhaps) the mother of his child… I would ask him if he is interested in a relationship with you- or not. I would hear his Yay or Nay and if Nay, i would give up on him.

    It is not okay for him to casually get in and out of your life as he pleases.

    Please do post again.

    anita

    #105957
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Inis,

    My instinct here is he is playing with you. I am sorry if this hurts…….

    If it is friends, then so be it – but do not cross the line into flirting, creating ‘alone time’ or allowing you to believe more exists.

    If it is more to him – then he would not ignore you. After so many dates or get togethers, it is common courtesy to say hello or acknowledge you. That non-acknowledgement – unless previously agreed – reveals he is not true to his feelings, and to be done in a public arena…. makes no sense.

    I would question the company of the person he was with, as he was willing to offend you, and disrespect you, for the person in his vicinity….

    You deserve better already…….

    Best

    Evan

    #105975
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi inis,

    The non-acknowledgment would really bother me. If I were you I would have gone right up to his ex and said, “HI, I’m inis, a friend of (blank’s name)”. But that’s just me.

    It sounds like you are the girl he can call when everyone else is busy or nothing else is going on.

    Next time, don’t return his text or call. The second time he tries to contact you say you’re busy or make plans and then scrap them.

    This isn’t revenge, it’s changing the script.

    The third time (if there is one) say you can’t meet but you’re having a few people over if he’d like to join you. Then he’ll see you with your friends in the context of your awesome universe.

    In the meantime, inis, move on to other people and adventures!

    Best,

    Inky

    #106009
    Libby
    Participant

    Great advice from everyone, especially Evan and Inky. This guy ignored you, you gave him another chance and he ignored you at the parade. I always believe in giving people a second chance, but not a third. If you welcome him back with open arms you are giving him permission to treat you badly from here on in! He might be great company, but his actions suggest his moral fibre is definately lacking. From day one in a friendship there should be respect. He has not shown you that. I wasted 25 years in a relationship like that – I am happy with a wonderful man now – but wish that I hadn’t waited so long!

    #106039
    Leora
    Participant

    When I read this, a very old saying popped into my head: “Faint heart never won fair lady.” Good relationships need enthusiasm, courtesy, and respect. He has shown none of these. What he has shown, is, as Libby pointed out, a lack of character. His actions are telling: this man started out ambivalent about a potential relationship with you, and over recent months has moved on to treating you disrespectfully. You don’t need a man like that in your life, even as an acquaintance.

    Better things are coming for you. Keep looking for the connection.

    #118721
    Ina
    Participant

    I know it has been several months since I posted here. But I just wanted to thank you all for the great advice you all gave. I sent him a text asking him to meet me for coffee. My intention with that meeting was to get some answers. But as I suppose most of you would have known, he never replied. Not until months later and with some lame excuse. However, things took a funny turn when I went back to school to study a month back. There I befriended a girl and she is really nice and we get along great. She told me of this guy she’d met and the more she told about him the more I was convinced it was they guy I had been seeing. Then by accident she got a FB message on her phone from him when we were sitting next to each other and I saw that it was indeed him I’ve gotten over the fact that he ghosted me. Not worth my time or effort. But should I say something to this girl? She has told me she is falling in love with him. And as I said before she is really nice and doesn’t deserve what I got either.

    #118726
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ina:

    I wouldn’t say anything at all to your friend. Your history with the man does not require a warning. If he was a con man who conned you out of money; if he physically or verbally abused you, name calling, yelling, intimidation, threats; if he was secretly married but hid it from you— I would share those things. Your experience with him doesn’t warrant a warning, in my opinion.

    I am sorry you had such an unpleasant experience with him.

    anita

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