I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with betrayal from loved ones, mainly friends and family. In the last 3-4 years of some great uncertainty in my life, I would even call it a transition period, I’ve started noticing a pattern that seems to repeat itself, albeit with different characters each time. I meet a person, who seems nice, warm, friendly, considerate. We seem to share some interests and enjoy spending time together, to our mutual benefit. As a great listener, people find it easy to open up to me with their plans, joys or sorrows. I do the same, of course – share. If they need help, I usually respond. Sometimes even perhaps too eagerly, on account of my low self-esteem. I seem to have a knack for understanding what needs to get done and volunteering to do it, as part of our friendship. My inner voice seems to say that if I prove my worth as a human being to them, as a friend, they will respond perhaps in kind, when I need a friend as well.

Everything seems fine for about a year – we enjoy an equal and pleasant friendship – and then all of a sudden, without any notice, things change. I am not reactive in nature, I notice, but I usually give excuses or attribute strange reactions to people being busy, stressed, etc. I also try to look on the positive side of things and I’m a firm believer in allowing time to fix the small cracks, until things become unbearably unbalanced and I can’t take it anymore. As an example, I had a friend (slightly younger than me) that I mentored constantly – job advice, relationship advice, when she needed real help with something, we will set up a time and I will be there for her. However, when the time came when I needed the same – to be heard, cheered up and helped, she bailed out on me. She had moved on with her life, was in another place, and her new life did not have time or space for me. Yet, whenever she was in trouble, I was the person she called. After a while of this and several chats to no avail, I discontinued the friendship. I was tired/ bitter, and feeling unappreciated and uncared for in return. There were too many times when I needed help with a single task, we would set up dates for it to be completed, and then the very last minute, my fried would bail out on some excuse. This happened about 6-7 times, over the course of 2 months.

What hurt the most, was that after we parted, she did not respect my privacy. When mutual friends asked about her, I would say she was doing well, but we haven’t heard from each other in awhile. She, on the other hand, concocted some crazy story I was jealous of her boyfriend and new job, in addition to spilling all sorts of private details about me from our private conversations to whoever was within listening distance. I had various people approach me and ask about this or that private detail of my life, which was profoundly disturbing to me.

Later on that year, I met another friend – a journalist. On account of my language skills and special interests, he frequently used me as an unofficial helper and source. I helped him with a lot of his articles, provided background, did translations, co-wrote – you get the picture. All of that for free, as journalists are not well paid in his business. He was also aware that I was in the process of looking for a job, I had only recently moved back from another continent, and on my end, I requested some unofficial writing advice, networking, and introductions to various newspapers or worthwhile places, where I could apply for jobs. He never responded to this, and I am not exactly sure why. If I wrote a piece, he would publish it, but I always felt he was doing it as a personal favor to me. Once published, the article would get many hits and comments, so it wasn’t on account of writing style or content. Yet, he never introduced me officially to his newspaper editors, I never got paid, or even re-directed to other possible venues for publishing. It was a one-woman’s crusade, if I wrote something, he will publish it, and in return, apart from the credit to my name, I would get nothing – no money, no official position, no introductions. Not only this, but as time passed, he started passing the articles we co-wrote as his own expertise and accomplishment, even if we were sitting together in a circle of friends. People reading the article would assume that he was the main author (as he’s a well-known journalist) and I am some sort of second author-intern, working for the newspaper. Yet, I never even met the editors, was hired in an official capacity or got a paycheck. When I finally grew tired of it and demanded an explanation, I was told a bunch of half-truths and the guy started avoiding me. No problem, I thought, it’s all happened before and I can deal with it again.

And yet, I am a bit concerned about this pattern. I know there must be something in my way of handling people and allowing such experiences in my life. I do stand up for myself, I am not passive, but I have always believed in reciprocal relationships and that a good friend returns favors and cares for his/ her friends. What are the lessons I am supposed to learn from these two experiences? Ok, I understand that everyone meets worthy and not so worthy individuals, but is there another way than investing yourself in such friendships for a year and then having them turn to dust? There is also the cumulative effect – how do I get over the sense of upcoming betrayal from the next friend, which I do realize is my hurt SELF speaking? I have tried talking, working things out, but that’s another thing – in such moments my so-called friends start avoiding these conversations or getting acutely defensive, where we can’t even have a my-side-of-the-story and your-side-of-the- story moments? I am tired of walking away, not paying attention to provocations, and then having to start rebuilding my trust zone and friendly circle from scratch.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!