Dear Anita:

I do not have any memory of him.  I’m in my mid 20’s currently.

I’ve struggled with anxiety/depression/insomnia since I was approximately 15. Going to therapy never stuck (I’m stubborn, and can admit it haha) but I prefer finding my own answers to my questions. So when I wonder why were here as humans, and what our purpose as individuals may be, I read. Complete Conversations with God was the first book I read to really delve into my own understanding of reality. Then the Tao Te Ching, and The Alchemist, and then books on cognitive behavior therapy (and practice) have helped me in a big way. I just keep digging and trying to understand myself and what life is.

I questioned my family about my father when I was younger (until approx 12), but it was always felt that it hurt them deeply, so I kinda stopped asking about him. I also realized that knowing about him isn’t what I wanted, I wanted to know him personally.

I’ve kinda notice this manifest within my adult life with how personally I take other men’s (coworkers, family friends) opinions of me. I like who I am as a person, when I stop and think about it, but I can quickly start down a negative train of thought simply because I can’t get some other guy’s admiration/respect. I can make the connections with how this is all happening, but I just cannot think of the right way to manage those feelings.

Sometimes I can understand the situation clearly, and know that there is nothing I can do. Sometimes I can’t get past that incomplete feeling I hold. I don’t want to forget about him or anything like that, I just don’t want to have this as a subconscious anchor, something I let hold me back because I have no control over it. I want to find a healthier place from how I react.

Thank you.

Yeah that’s an accurate assessment of how I feel.

I do have a lot of difficulty in trusting others. When I was younger and I tried opening up about this stuff to my peers (like children do), they used it to tease me. When I asked my family about him they would just say how much he loved me and cared about me but I didn’t really find out about his issues (similar to mine) and I created in my mind this image of perfection based on what they told me about him. Only the good stuff.

Deep down I know that I have to fulfill the role I need, but it’s hard to let go of satisfying this imaginary image of perfection. I need to trust myself and live a life to fulfill myself and not someone else’s expectations/desires. That won’t leave me feeling satisfied. I struggle with trusting myself, maybe because I’m curious by nature and a wonder-er. But it leaves me second guessing.  I’ve spent most my life trying to mold myself in to a perfect person based off of speculation and what loved one’s tell me, and the uncertainty of being my own role model is daunting. It’s much easier to achieve goals that others set for me; much harder when I am the one who is setting the goals.

I’ve also decided on another career path recently and will be leaving my family and girlfriend to pursue my own personal dream, the first true decision I’ve made without salary/societal/family expectations being the determining factor. This is also very uncertain. So again trusting is the root. But now I have to trust myself instead of fulfilling the role I made up when I was a kid.

I’m not looking for answers per say, just perspective.

Thank you for your kindness and time.

Hi Anita,

Absolutely.

I’ve read before that the only way you can learn to trust people, is by trusting them. (Kinda obvious, but the simplest option is rarely the easiest). I don’t place a lot of trust in others. I protect myself in that way, and maybe vicariously its a way to not really engage in my life. Detaching myself from the pain of having trust broken isn’t healthy. It puts all responsibility on me, and when I cannot live up to that, I feel like I’ve failed a figment of my imagination that is what I would’ve thought my dad to be like.

But like you said, it’s a scientific approach. Try something, evaluate, proceed/digress, etc.

I hope I can make that a part of my life.

Dear Anita,

The way I interpret it is that ultimately you can keep second guessing others and keep not trusting them, and then say you cannot trust anyone. Or you just give them the chance in your mind, and see what happens. Not necessarily blind trust/faith that everyone has the best intentions, but ultimately you have to give trust to build trust in a relationship.