Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Dealing with Manipulative Ex with Narcisstic qualities
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Anonymous.
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April 15, 2021 at 7:38 am #377776
AnonymousGuestDear lindsey:
It is the easiest thing to do, for a person who “refuses to discuss any wrong doing n his part or apologize”, is to assign all all the wrong doing to someone else, and you are the convenient target. It is a shame that you have to interact with him at all, it being that you have to co-parent with him, sharing custody of your two children. Do your best to understand that his misbehavior is not an indication of who you are, but an an indication of who he is.
anita
April 15, 2021 at 1:10 pm #377796
lindseyParticipantAnita-
An incident happened with the ex today I wanted to talk with you about. And how you think I handled it. I have some opinions as well for improvement maybe. It seems impossible to an extent.
Lindsey
April 15, 2021 at 1:40 pm #377800AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
What was the incident, how did you handle it, and how do you think you can improve the situation?
anita
April 16, 2021 at 7:39 am #377864lindseyParticipantAnita
I don’t really know where to start. It seems that having to rely on me or me having the kids during his time when he is not available is a big trigger for him. Yesterday there were several emails sent to me-I felt they were unrelenting and to a certain extent kind of disturbing. I will provide portions of his emails below:
Lindsey: “Ella is upset that her soccer cleats are too small and they hurt when she plays. She prefers I tell you. I’m going to buy her some new shin guards and socks mostly for practice. She said she wants different shin guards”
Ex-husband: “I’m getting very frustrated by the tone of your emails. They are not at all indicative of our kids and seem very intentional on your part. I ask the kids and try everything on them every sports season. I just did the same for both of them for baseball/softball and they have all new equipment. This is also her last soccer season because of your decision and so investing in new equipment with a few weeks left makes no sense. Interesting that you want to do that now in her last season after not brining her to the game last weekend. You have pink socks of hers that I bought. I just don’t get it. Also her cleats fit fine with room”
Lindsey: Stop taking your crap out on me. I have no idea what to buy so I’m not going to worry about it.
April 16, 2021 at 7:49 am #377866AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
To understand the email exchange, I ask:
1) You: “Ella is upset.. She prefers I tell you”- is it that she is uncomfortable telling her father, that she is afraid to tell him and feels safer having you do the talking for her?
2) Him: “your emails.. are not at all indicative of our kids”- did he mean that unlike what you may have suggested, Ella is not afraid to talk to him, that she is comfortable talking to him about what she needs?
3) Him: “This is also her last soccer season because of your decision”- what was that decision and was he against it?
anita
April 16, 2021 at 8:00 am #377868lindseyParticipantAnita-
1. she and Aiden have both expressed they are afraid to say things at times because their dad and Amy get upset and can be mean. (yelling)
2. Yes I believe he is being defensive? about me sharing what Ella wants or needs.
3. I have no idea what he is talking about soccer being my decision. We have discussed getting her involved in art classes and dance because she is not athletic in general with no set sessions? or times in the future.
April 16, 2021 at 8:27 am #377869AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I am so sorry to read that your ex-husband and his girlfriend yell at your kids. I know you wrote that you don’t have the money to take further legal action in regard to the shared custody with him, but I hope that there is something you can do legally to stop the abuse your kids are subjected to!
Regarding ending your daughter’s soccer practice being your decision, are saying that the email yesterday was the first time you heard that your daughter will be quitting soccer after this season?
Or was there a discussion and a mutual decision that she should quit soccer?
anita
April 16, 2021 at 8:45 am #377870lindseyParticipantAnita,
My ex and I had discussed getting my daughter in other activities. I pushed this because she is not athletic and I did not want it to start effecting her self esteem. He puts the children in numerous sports activities. while I think it is great for my son it’s not so good for her. He signed her up for cheerleading per us both deciding that was a good call.
With soccer-like many discussions he will take something and run with it in a different direction. I told him I do not want her to play basketball the next season. He pushed for softball to continue and I said OK. We briefly talked about soccer leaving it open for the next session.
I’m trying to get her into an Art class. My boyfriend’s daughter who is Ella’s age takes the class and really enjoys it.
I just requested him to upload the AppClose because I no longer wanted to communicate via email or text. He uploaded the app so hopefully this will help.
April 16, 2021 at 8:58 am #377871lindseyParticipantAnita,
He uploaded the app I recommended with the following: “no matter how much communication I have provided, including managing all schedules, you continue to be inconsistent, combative, and change the methods of communication which creates coparenting challenges. I do not actively call or text or email as that is an appropriate boundary but you have failed to follow that…”
April 16, 2021 at 9:04 am #377872AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I like your thinking about changing your daughter’s activities in the direction that will promote her self-esteem. Seems like you do have equal power as a co-parent in deciding what activities your children attend.
This is the first time since you returned to the thread that you mentioned a boyfriend. I am curious: share only if you want to share on this topic.
What about your ex and his girlfriend yelling at your kids???
anita
April 16, 2021 at 11:21 am #377883lindseyParticipantAnita –
I don’t mind at all sharing about my boyfriend. We can call him “S.” We met last July but did not start dating until the end of November. I feel the relationship is very healthy and he is very special to me. I have shared some of my struggles along with having anxiety if I do not hear from him text wise and he has been understanding. He has also shared some of his issues and I don’t mind helping him through those issues either. He has 2 girls that are the same age as my kids (1 girl & 1 boy) We have had sleepovers. His parents are great. He feels bad about my ex. Like other people he has shared that he feels ill equipped and not sure how to give advice as he has never dealt with someone like that. But he is supportive.
As far as the ex and girlfriend yelling…well I do know that the girlfriend is very strict in an old school kind of way. I have yelled at the kids or lost my temper. Does it seem more intimidating when a man yells? I think so. Is it to the point where the kids are truly upset and crying to not go to his house? no. So I’m keeping tabs. I try not to focus on the way his house is run because there is nothing I can do about it unless the kids come to me with something serious.
Lindsey
April 16, 2021 at 11:38 am #377886AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Congratulations for having a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with S!
Regarding yelling, you wrote: “I have yelled at the kids or lost my temper”- please do your best to never yell at your kids again (except for emergency situations, like you see your kid about to cross a busy street, better yell: STOP!).
“Does it seem more intimidating when a man yells? I think so”- it may be more intimidating, but a woman yelling at a kid is intimidating enough, too intimidating/ too scary and damaging, in my personal experience. So again, please do your very best to not yell at your kids, no matter what you feel.
anita
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