Yep, I mean the bond itself was special and that’s what he cherished. He did not actively seek a more special position in his father’s life than anyone else (and he already had it).

I did have a special bond with him, yes. Though I don’t remember that much since I was very young back then. But he used to teach me maths, watch cartoons with me and read out stories for me

I can’t say I ever felt that way regarding the death scene. I didn’t have any problems with my family back then and I never felt that I lost my innocence or the false image of a loving parent. I always felt the death scene was touching because it featured raw human emotions and emotion is contagious. My greatest inner fear is losing my loved ones, it’s always been that and I guess that’s why it affected me so much. In fact I always feared losing Jerry too… I always feared doing something that would lead to her abandoning me. I even confessed it to her and she just laughed and told me we’ll always be together. But my fear turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I do admit the reason for lashing out at Jerry is grounded in my past experiences which we discussed much in previous posts… especially that foul encounter with the neighbour.

A humble request to not compare my parents to Mufasa’s dead body. I know there have been some disagreements and bad incidents between us, much of it stemming from a lack of understanding and maturity on both sides. I’m glad that things have now been sorted out and at least the independence thing is no longer an issue for me. I don’t know if the loss of belief in a protecting parent is the reason that the death scene clicked with me, because like I said back then none of these issues existed. I do know that my later life situation is why I grew too attached to Jerry and sought desperately to be extra special to her and for her life to revolve around me. What’s done is done… I just wish to fix things here on.

Thanks. I don’t mind discussing about the movie and its relevance, just that this dead body thing is something which has been haunting my dreams from long. Sort of like the boggarts from Harry Potter. Otherwise discussing is fine. 🙂

Posting my message to Jerry here. I tried to be honest like you said, but it feels more sycophantic. If it’s okay, I’ll delete it after you’ve read.
*****

I know you don’t want to talk to me and I know that I’m the ultimate villain in the eyes of you and your sister now. You may deny it, Jerry, but we both know that’s the truth. I don’t blame you. I don’t know whether you’ll reply or even read this message, or delete it after a glance. I don’t want to monotonously repeat what I already have said before. I respect your views and opinions, and I respect your right to make decisions even if I don’t agree with the same. If you feel that permanently breaking relations is the only right punishment for me, then what can I say? I know well about the brother-sister rules in the Indian culture and I know that a “brother” developing any human feelings other than brotherly is considered a great sin and enough to permanently label him a traitor and pervert. I accept that I am nobody to consider myself above social rules, and in that context I accept that I have done a great wrong. I accept that I am a monster. As a biology student, I’ve always been told that our feelings are hormonal and neural in nature and we cannot help whom we fall in love with. I know you don’t like these things and that’s why I tried to keep my feelings from you and confessed only to 2 mutual friends. If it still means I transformed from a “humble and caring brother” into a monster, then I accept that I am one. I admit I should not have grown so possessive and jealous. For these five months I have hated myself knowing that if I had been satisfied with what I had, you would still be with me today. I couldn’t be… because you mean a lot to me. You still do and always will do.

I just want to say something. You said that my feelings show you that I understood neither you nor your nature. Let’s say that’s true. After this, I have been told that the Internet is a dangerous place due to people like me who “wear masks” and trick and victimize innocent people. I’ve also been told that the other girls who call me brother need to beware as I can change my feelings and lust for them anytime. Please imagine what it feels like to hear these things after three years of togetherness? I cannot support myself obstinately, when I know I myself have done bad things too. But God knows that if there’s anything I have never done, it is stopping caring for you, disrespecting you or thinking inappropriately of you. I admit I have lost my temper over petty issues, behaved badly with you, even stopped talking… but my temper has never ended with me not regretting it. I was so touched by your last message, “though he hurted me with the bad words he used, I’ll pray for him and always think good only for him”, I promised to change myself and from March, I’ve made every effort to stop using bad language and losing temper. Because I genuinely respect and care for you, I have always done and always will do. You may not accept any form of love other than brotherly, which is fine, but it does not mean that form of love is lustful. You referred to me as “Ravi bro” in April and I promised you that I would never let those feelings come between us again. If a bro-sis bond is the only thing acceptable to you, I promised to keep it at that only. I took full responsibility. What more can I do?? I have been waiting for any reply from you, but everything has been dry and barren as a desert.

I’m doing my best to acknowledge your situation and take responsibility on my part. Please try to look at things from my perspective too, Jerry. Putting aside my own feelings, I unconditionally apologize to you again for everything. I accept that you loved me as a brother only and never expected this from me, and felt so betrayed. I’m sorry for everything you had to go through because of me. But if someone is trying their best to make up to you after five months of you not talking to them, I wish you could see that their underlying motivation is sincere, and not lust or bad intentions. You could have made it clear that you’ll not accept anything but a bro-sis bond… you know I would never try to force you. But breaking our relation permanently for this? I’m sorry if you feel bad, but you’re looking at everything about me in the worst possible manner, be it my early posts about (our fav actor) or me being happy about you being comfortable after our phone call. You’re seeing hidden bad things everywhere even when there aren’t any. Please try to understand what I’m saying, for once. If there’s anything I could do to prove that I mean my words, I’m ready for it. I do not have any right to ask you for forgiveness; I accept that it’s your right alone to decide. But I have to say this, no matter now corny it sounds… I miss you. There has not been a single day from 7th March when I’ve had a single moment of peace. I’m not asking for any special place in your life. I have been told to remain happy with all the others who call me brother. But you know better than me that no relation can ever take the place of another. And nobody can ever take your place in my life either. That’s how it has been and how it always will be.

Ya I knew that the message I had drafted is anything but good. 😛 Honestly, I am at a loss for how to frame it, because I had tried saying almost everything to her and she just ignored it. I don’t know whether this spiritual thing is right to say, because she seems allergic to the very word “love” coming from me now and she’s also stubborn that she cannot accept anything other than a bro-sis relation. Maybe I should say that I am willing to settle with any form of communication acceptable to her? The rest of the message, I’ll try to reframe considering your advice.