Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Deserved Guilt- I did it and I can't undo it
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October 3, 2015 at 6:18 pm #84640
AnonymousGuestWhen I was thirty I had an argument with my sister, then 24. In the course of the argument I placed my hands around her neck and squeezed. It was night time. I heard a voice, a child’s voice. It was my nephew’s voice. He said my name, the way he called me: ___, don’t!”
I didn’t realize he was there. When I heard him I realized he was there and let go.
There was another time, he cried for me not to leave his house. I left anyway while he was crying. I left because I had a date with a (despicable) man. I left while my nephew was crying for me to not go.
These memories are breaking my heart, bring tears to my eyes.
Do you have painful memories of this kind? Will you feel better sharing them?
I choose to live so I choose to live with those memories. Of course I apologized and I gave my sister and my nephew money, lots of money after those incidents, years after, enough for all the therapy any of them wished to have (but did not) and more. Yet it doesn’t take away my regret or guilt. I did something very wrong and I can’t undo it.
There is nothing more horrible than hurting an innocent child and I did.
anitaOctober 3, 2015 at 6:46 pm #84643
Red CarParticipantHello Anita. We’ve all hurt someone in our lives. I see that you are already trying to make up for your past actions. That is good. What helped me lessen the guilt before is to write a letter to people I’ve wronged. I sobbed and couldn’t finish writing. It was so so painful. But it helped me even for a tiny bit. You are human and have emotions.
October 3, 2015 at 7:58 pm #84648
jockParticipantDon’t you think your nephew and sister have moved on from this?
Time for you to as well?I’m not sure how much we can help on this forum with guilt.
For my issues of guilt, I resort to a higher power….Buddhism can only go so far I believe…
the worse we feel the more we need to pray…in my opinionOctober 3, 2015 at 8:07 pm #84652AnonymousGuestDear Jack:
Pray? Oh, no, no Jack, no. There is no god to pray for. There is truth to live with. Truth that must be lived with. For as long as we live. I did wrong, that is the truth. Trying to make it go away via religious delusion is not my way.
anitaOctober 3, 2015 at 8:10 pm #84654jockParticipantOK I won’t bore you by channelling Born Again Basil, then 🙂
October 3, 2015 at 8:14 pm #84657AnonymousGuestYou are sending me to my early night bedtime with a smile after all, Jack. You did it, thank you, Born Again Basil- one more, yes, yes, yes (this is like a fresh chocolate chip cookie for me, right out of the oven)
anitaOctober 4, 2015 at 12:00 pm #84683
PeppermintParticipantDear Anita,
when I read your post I get the impression that you feel a lot of regret over what you did. But looking at it, you also have come so far: You apologized and also tried to make amends. I believe that regret is only useful when it leads to change of behavior, and it did for you, didn’t it? Or would you leave that boy crying at home again?
Maybe it’s time for you to move on, like Jack said. David D. Burns wrote in “Feeling good”:
“If you did something damaging, do you deserve to suffer? If you think “yes”, then ask yourself: ‘How long do I have to suffer? A day? A year? The rest of my life?’ Which punishment would you give yourself? Are you ready to end your choosen suffering and unhappiness, after you fullfilled your punishment?” (Really rough translation, sorry no english copy here)October 4, 2015 at 4:38 pm #84699
LoriParticipantHi Anita,
You didn’t know your nephew was there. You let go once you realized he was there. You did the right thing.
Things happen between siblings. I don’t believe for a second that you intended to make your sister stop breathing. You were just angry and wanted to scare her. That’s what I believe. When I was a kid my brother (probably 22 at the time) punched another brother (maybe 16). Loud screaming and blood everywhere! Not fun to watch as a youngster. I remember crying and wondering if anyone was going to die. But no one did. It all worked out. And this is the first time I’ve thought about it in many, many years. What I remember most is how younger brother said some outrageous, hurtful things to older brother until older brother lost his cool. And older brother isn’t a monster, not by a long shot. He’s a loving husband and father who got really mad at his brother many years ago and made a mistake, one time. And younger brother isn’t a monster either. He was lost at that time in his life, getting into trouble all the time, picking fights with people.
As for leaving your nephew when he was crying, I know you wish you had made a better choice, but as Oprah says, “When you know better you do better”. So now you know better. And you apologized. You did the right thing again.
Lori
October 4, 2015 at 4:56 pm #84702AnonymousGuestThank you, Red Car. At first when I read your sentence: “You are human and you have emotions,” I thought to myself: I already know that, but reading it again, I thought to myself: interesting my own mother did not seem to have known that simple fact, that I have emotions too. My goodness, such simplicity, yes, of course, everyone knows a human has emotions (one of which is the ability to get HURT)- but my own mother missed that fact!
Thank you Jack, again.
Luise: Your comment is wise. As a matter of fact, I thought along these lines myself after writing the post, at night, lying awake. I thought: what is the usefulness of guilt, what is the purpose of it: to learn, to change. I thought to myself: What do I need to learn? To not argue in the presence of a child, daytime or night time (the reason he woke up), to not express distress in the presence of the child as in arguing and violence. And then, in my present interactions: to be gentler with people, to treat the child inside each person with calm, kindness, gentleness. I can be gentler.
I realize I cannot make my behavior any less severe in retrospect, minimize it, it was bad and at the time I was a bad person for executing that behavior. No changing that. But now that I learned, conditional on ongoing changing of attitude and behavior, humility and kindness, what is the purpose of suffering? Forgive myself, what a concept, wipe the page clean, not from memory but from suffering.
Thank you so much, Luise!
anita
December 28, 2015 at 5:47 pm #90793
LisaParticipantI live with guilt everyday of my life. A mother’s guilt. As a practicing alcoholic for over 30 years I made major life changing mistakes. I will never be able to make up for them.
I work daily at forgiving myself and of course have asked for my two sons forgiveness. How I have done that at 5 years sober is to be transparent about my past and have allowed their anger towards me without defending myself in anyway. Hopefully one day they will see me for who I am today and not who I was. My past has shaped who I am today, I believe I am kind, honest, empathetic and I yet I will never have full peace in my heart. But I do have moments of peace.December 28, 2015 at 6:32 pm #90795jockParticipantthank you Lisa for your heart-warming post. I too suffer guilt and can empathise with people who can’t find complete peace.
December 28, 2015 at 6:38 pm #90797AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
I know the pain of guilt and I too accept that I have to live with it. Once I accepted that I have to live with it, no longer trying to eliminate it, the pain diminished. You asked your sons’ forgiveness and you are practicing kindness, honesty, empathy- my hat is off to you!
Dear Jack:
Good to see you are here! I enjoyed your comment on the other thread, the “nice to meet you” introduction! Hi-larious Jack. And empathetic, kind, strong Jack!
anitaDecember 28, 2015 at 6:52 pm #90806jockParticipantam pathetic? 🙂
December 28, 2015 at 7:12 pm #90812AnonymousGuestHa ha ha. Empathetic, not pathetic. Empathetic, wise, insightful, creative, artistic, witty, and so forth.
anitaDecember 28, 2015 at 7:43 pm #90818jockParticipantthe list goes on. I’m gradually becoming a narcissist on here, seeking daily validation. Or was I already? 🙂
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