Home→Forums→Relationships→Desire for Different Experiences
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Tommy.
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August 11, 2024 at 7:54 am #436048
YoungMufasa
ParticipantHi,
I want to be open about something that feels a bit unconventional. I’m a 25M who’s still a virgin. My focus on studies and career meant I didn’t really pursue relationships until recently. I had one relationship in the past, but it was short-lived and not physical. Since then, I’ve tried online relationships, which can be hit or miss—fun at times, but ultimately unsatisfying since they’re all digital.
Now that I’m working in a job that involves frequent travel in the hotel industry, I’m feeling like I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet and am more interested in exploring different types of relationships and experiences, including dating women from various ethnic backgrounds like Asian, Latina, Romanian, and Italian. I feel like I don’t want to miss out on these experiences before eventually settling down and finding a serious partner. I know it’s absurd.
I also have a habit of watching porn and masturbating before bed, and I struggle with low self-esteem. My high sex drive makes me feel like something is missing, especially since physical touch is important to me. I’m looking for some advice or insights on how to navigate these feelings and desires and probably some solutions.
August 11, 2024 at 10:09 am #436054anita
ParticipantDear YoungMufasa:
In my reply, I will explore my feelings and attitudes as I try to understand your situation (and myself) better.
“I had one relationship in the past, but it was short-lived and not physical. Since then, I’ve tried online relationships, which can be hit or miss—fun at times, but ultimately unsatisfying since they’re all digital… I also have a habit of watching porn and masturbating before bed“- I grew up with, and still carry shame in regard to sex. As I typed the previous sentence, it was even difficult for me to type the word “sex” (yet I typed it again, lol). Therefore, as I read about you masturbating before bed, having had some image of what it looks like, I was somewhat uncomfortable and judgmental. It is as if I wish humanity (and the animal kingdom) was not sexual. And yet, reality does not accommodate my attitude and wishes, and sex continues to be a powerful force, generally more powerful in males because of testosterone (the male sex hormone).
Overcoming my unrealistic attitude means that I remove my judgment of you masturbating: I understand that a male sexual drive is a very powerful one. It is not a matter of choice; it’s a matter of nature.
“Now that I’m working in a job that involves frequent travel in the hotel industry, I’m feeling like I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet and am more interested in exploring different types of relationships and experiences, including dating women from various ethnic backgrounds like Asian, Latina, Romanian, and Italian. I feel like I don’t want to miss out on these experiences before eventually settling down and finding a serious partner. I know it’s absurd“- I wonder if your interest in dating (having sex with) women of different ethnic backgrounds has to do with having watched porn involving women of different ethnic backgrounds..?
Which brings me to my attitude about pornography: I dislike it very much, and wish it didn’t exist. I think that although it provides a service short-term, it harms long-term.
Back to you: I understand that nature is behind your sexual drive, and technology is behind you watching porn, the industry that accommodates and profits from this part of nature, and I think that your desire to perhaps copy the experiences you watched on the screen, irl, could be a problem: when eventually settling down with a serious partner, will the porn images and.. creative ideas disappear? Will you still be watching porn because it’s a habit?
“My high sex drive makes me feel like something is missing, especially since physical touch is important to me“- Your high sex drive needs a real person to touch and be sexual with, so clearly, something (a real person) is missing.
“I’m looking for some advice or insights on how to navigate these feelings and desires and probably some solutions.”- my advice: begin the process of breaking the habit of watching porn (start at the present time, way before you consider a serious relationship). A quick online search just now brought me to psychology today/Addicted to Porn? How to Get Back in Control, and very well mind/ How to Stop Watching Porn.
I just read that within a serious relationship/ marriage, some couples who both watch pornography (each supporting the other watching it) report that it helps their marriage, but otherwise, and most commonly, it harms marriages. From Utah State University/ effects of pornography on relationships: “Within couple intimate relationships, pornography can have negative impacts in the following ways… : * User faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography… * Pornography consumption may be correlated with increased behaviors of hooking up and infidelity. * Partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use. … * Both user and partner experience decreased relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness. * Relationship trust decreases due to dishonesty and deception about pornography use…”.
I would like to read your response, YoungMufasa, to my reply.
anita
August 12, 2024 at 12:09 am #436079Helcat
ParticipantHi YoungMufasa
There is nothing wrong with dating short term if you communicate that is your intention from the beginning.
Porn is not the same as sex. So I would go into the experience expecting for the sexual act to be different. Everyone likes something different. Women take foreplay (sometimes quite a lot) in order to enjoy the experience. Ask for directions from the woman. Does it need to be softer or slower, or would they like for things to be more intense. Even the same woman at different times in her cycle may need different things. Things get more and less sensitive and the cervix moves. So every time, check in with her that she is comfortable.
Use a condom at all times! It will take some getting used to and will feel different, less sensitive. When things are less sensitive you will be tempted to go harder to feel more. It is extremely important for this to occur at the right moment when the woman is ready for it. This is why communication with how the woman is doing is very important.
I have a question. In the future, when you are ready to settle down would you ever consider marrying someone from these races? If not, you might be treating them like pornography.
Women are people and they respond best to being treat like people. Talk to them, get to know them. Have fun together and enjoy the experience of short-term dating.
Sadly pornography isn’t always ethical and mistreats the actors. People often need to be on drugs to get through scenes. Because they are acting, pretending to enjoy it. There is ethical pornography out there if you are interested in finding it.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 12, 2024 at 12:14 am #436080Helcat
ParticipantI wouldn’t worry about pornography harming relationships, many young people watch pornography even women these days. It is a reality that many people expect. Discussing views on pornography is part of the dating experience.
August 12, 2024 at 7:32 am #436084Roberta
ParticipantDear YoungMusafa
I am glad that you have come to this site to look for answers for a way to balance your needs & wants.
Exercise is one way to get endorphins, & keep physically fit maybe join a five aside football team. We all crave a sense of connection, which if you are moving around a lot for work this may be harder to access. Doing voluntary work is a good way to meet people of different gender and age.
I would go for massages so that you get used to being touched physically without it becoming a sexual encounter. A lot of of women like to have affection but do not like that the only time they receive it is when their partner wants sex.
Pornography can give unrealistic expectations and some link violence to what should be a beautiful meeting of minds & bodies.
Look into the difference between having sex and making love.
Kind regards
August 14, 2024 at 12:13 pm #436196YoungMufasa
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your reply.
You asked
I wonder if your interest in dating (having sex with) women of different ethnic backgrounds has to do with having watched porn involving women of different ethnic backgrounds?
I don’t believe it’s only because of porn, but I worked in more cosmopolitan cities where I encountered many different ethnicities of women. I was hesitant and shy to even ask them out at that time.Your high sex drive needs a real person to touch and be sexual with, so clearly, something (a real person) is missing.
Yes, I know I’m craving that because, with online relationships, it’s mostly talking about things like kissing, cuddling, and even sexting , so lots of imagination but not actual physical touch.And yes, I’m aware of the cons of porn. In fact, for two nights in a row, I went to bed without porn or sexting. That’s why I want to quit, because I know porn is making my craving for physical touch much higher.
August 14, 2024 at 12:42 pm #436197YoungMufasa
ParticipantHi Helcat,
You said
There is nothing wrong with dating short-term if you communicate that it is your intention from the beginning.
Okay, that’s something I need to understand properly. The people I’m around see it as a bad thing and are suggesting that I should find true love or a soulmate, as if it’s that easy.Porn is not the same as sex.
I know, but I think sexting has made it seem more realistic for me. To be honest, I don’t even like the idea of condoms right now because I’m more into oral things. Giving and receiving both. But yes, safe sex is important, so I’ll definitely be aware.I have a question: In the future, when you are ready to settle down, would you consider marrying someone from these races? If not, you might be treating them like pornography.
Obviously, yes! That’s the reason I want to explore. If I feel like this is the woman I want to spend my life with, then I would consider it. The thing is, I haven’t spent time with any of them in person yet, but I think I can figure out what I want after spending time with them. For example my generalized observation might be that an Asian woman would be more polite and into family values, while a Latina woman would be quite expressive etc.
I know I’m running for the best possible one. But is that wrong?Also, thanks a lot for sharing useful tips. I do I think those will be helpful when I lose my virginity soon (hopefully). I’m already thinking about starting to use dating apps. Enough virtual illusion.
August 14, 2024 at 12:50 pm #436198YoungMufasa
ParticipantHi Roberta,
I don’t know why but after exercising I’m kind of more hungry for physical touch. I do intense workout once or twice a week, On the other days just light cardio or few body weight exercises and morning and evening walk.massages seems like a good idea I’ll try to find one.
ThanksAugust 14, 2024 at 2:18 pm #436199Helcat
ParticipantHi YoungMufasa
Sometimes these things can be cultural. I’m not sure about what your culture is like.
In my culture, some people still look for a steady girlfriend and eventually marriage, but a lot of people look for hookups or short term flings especially when they are young. They’ve been doing that for the past decade at least in my culture. There is a lot of unique other stuff with dating in my culture. Friends with benefits. Polyamory. I think as people get older they start to want to settle down with a partner.
Looking for true love is a nice idea but it’s unlikely to happen immediately. It sounds like you’re just being honest as opposed to romanticising the idea of dating. I think it’s good that you’re open to the right person coming along and surprising you and being willing to give that a try if it happens. Sure people want true love, it is hard to find though. My understanding of true love in relationships is mutually treating each other with respect.
Part of dating is also about understanding what you’re looking for in a partner. It’s a whole process. You will learn more about which types of people you are compatible with.
That is honestly fair if you are at the oral stage. I’m sure that will come in handy. 😂
Later on, it is very easy to get someone pregnant and if you aren’t in a steady relationship you can’t rely on the woman taking birth control. Even in a steady relationship, I’ve heard of women stopping their birth control secretly and trying to get pregnant. So I would make sure that someone is 100% on the same page as you when it comes to not being ready to have kids yet. This is why condoms provide a level of security. Pulling out isn’t very effective as a strategy. If people use that as a strategy for 1 year, 22 out of 100 people end up pregnant in that year.
That is honestly fair! You would be surprised, it is not always obvious. Some people do only have sex and date short term people outside of their ethnicity. I don’t think short term dating is a bad thing as long as you would be willing to consider someone from that ethnicity as a long term partner one day. You are still young and not yet ready to settle down so it is understandable.
Good luck on the dating apps! Oh consent is a big thing these days. So enthusiastic consent is someone being super eager to ya know. 😉
The thing to watch out for is drinking because people can act out of character when they drink. So if someone is drunk even if they’re enthusiastic be a gentleman and wait until they are sober. This avoids people having regrets.
You have a good head on your shoulders and a kind heart. I hope you enjoy dating!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 14, 2024 at 2:21 pm #436200anita
ParticipantDear YoungMufasa:
You are welcome. “And yes, I’m aware of the cons of porn. In fact, for two nights in a row, I went to bed without porn or sexting. That’s why I want to quit, because I know porn is making my craving for physical touch much higher“- I think that quitting porn, and quitting sexting, are very good ideas.
“I’m already thinking about starting to use dating apps. Enough virtual illusion“- I think that you are on the right track!
“The people I’m around… are suggesting that I should find true love or a soulmate“- you chose the screen name Mufasa. Mufasa is a boy name of African origin meaning king, or ruler, “Mufasa encapsulates the essence of sovereignty and authority, carrying with it the weight of ancestral lineage and dignity” (online).
I don’t know if you gave the name much thought, but if you did, or you do, consider, if you will, how to proceed from where you are with authority and dignity, dignity for yourself and for all the people involved in your life.
anita
August 14, 2024 at 9:55 pm #436222Tommy
ParticipantAdvice, do not focus upon sex, relationships or love. Be open to a relationship and it will happen. Focus upon your life and how you live it. Work hard, earn your living and save your money. Invest in assets that bring passive income.
If you are so focused on sex that you mentioned that you masturbate. That is going beyond social norms. Stop it. Refocus yourself.
August 21, 2024 at 10:21 pm #436482YoungMufasa
ParticipantHi Kind Souls,
Today marks the 8th day without porn. So far, I don’t feel the ache.
Thanks for the heads up, Helcat. If women are unknowingly stopping birth control, that’s really scary. You’re definitely making me take condoms more seriously. I’m big on respect and I’m a passionate person, so I don’t just want consent, I want that enthusiastic consent. I can’t accept anything less.
Anita, thanks for telling me the meaning of Mufasa’s name. I included it because he was a respectful king and a good father to Simba (Lionking movie), and I admire his traits (which I think are similar to mine), He treats every creature in his kingdom, from ants to elephants, with the utmost respect they deserve.
Getting into other things, Modern dating is hard. First of all, I’m not attracted to many people that easily—not that I hate them, but even in dating, I refuse to compromise on a lot of things. Tinder and Bumble give us so many choices, but I think they’re also taking a hit on my already low self-esteem. I’m not that bad, probably a little above average. Even creating a profile requires so much effort, and I only got one match. She was way too young and just… meh vibes.
But here’s the thing: I started online language classes more than a week ago, and the teacher is quite friendly. I like her. We even engage in light flirting sometimes. Today though, during class, I heard a man’s voice in the background—probably her boyfriend or something. It annoyed me so much that I couldn’t focus for the rest of the class.
Now, I’m questioning myself. Why am I getting jealous over something silly like this? She’s just a teacher, and my goal is to learn a language. Why am I making it complicated by developing feelings for her? Am I really that desperate? And if I am, then that’s an issue.
August 21, 2024 at 11:18 pm #436484Helcat
ParticipantHi YoungMufasa
Definitely, the respect and kindness that you show others shines though!
Well done on taking that step and putting yourself out there.
It might not seem like it, but that you already have a match is a good sign. These things are numbers games and whilst the odds for women getting a match is 10%, the match rate for men is 0.6%. 78% of users are men and 22% of users are women, so you see there aren’t enough women to match with everyone. If you got a match in under 100 attempts that means that you are doing really well. Statistically, much better than average. Try not to blame yourself during this process and give it some more time.
I can understand that, I’m not attracted to that many people either. These things do limit your options though, so expect dating to take some time. I’m curious about what kinds of things you want and don’t want in a partner?
I think it would have been a surprise to you hearing someone in the background, especially considering the light flirting. But sometimes light flirting is just people being friendly and a good teacher will build up your confidence and make you feel comfortable. There are rules when teaching even for adults, the teacher is not supposed to date a student or even maintain a friendship with them. The relationship is supposed to be strictly teacher and student.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 22, 2024 at 1:51 pm #436508anita
ParticipantDear YoungMufasa: Congratulations fo 8 porn-free days. I will read and reply further in about 20 hours from now.
anita
August 23, 2024 at 11:38 am #436536anita
ParticipantDear YounMufasa:
“Anita, thanks for telling me the meaning of Mufasa’s name. I included it because… I admire his traits (which I think are similar to mine). He treats every creature in his kingdom, from ants to elephants, with the utmost respect they deserve… Tinder and Bumble give us so many choices, but I think they’re also taking a hit on my already low self-esteem. I’m not that bad… I only got one match. She was… just.. meh vibes“- you are welcome! Notice: you admire Mufasa for having the same high esteem for every creature in his kingdom, yet you have less esteem for yourself than you do for other men (and you have less/ meh esteem for some women than for others).
“I started online language classes more than a week ago, and the teacher is quite friendly. I like her. We even engage in light flirting sometimes. Today though, during class, I heard a man’s voice in the background…Why am I getting jealous over something silly like this?“- maybe because you feel inferior to other men, including the man you heard in the background?
I suffered from a low self-esteem most of my life and it was devastating for me . Maybe it will help if you look into it more, share about it more.?
anita
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