Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing this. I really admire your self-awareness—it takes a lot of courage to recognize how past trauma shapes your thoughts. The fact that you can step back and see that these negative thoughts aren’t always true is a huge sign of growth.

I love that you’re working on mental flexibility. Learning that not everything we feel is true or needs a reaction is such an important step in healing. It’s tough when emotions feel so real in the moment, but giving yourself grace and letting them pass is powerful.

I also really appreciate your thoughts on communication and relationships. Expressing emotions isn’t always easy—especially when we fear rejection. And it’s true, people sometimes struggle to hear pain from those they care about. But that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.

Your reflections show how much progress you’re making. You are not your negative thoughts—they are just echoes of the past, and you are learning to move beyond them. Keep being gentle with yourself. You’re doing incredible work ❤️ 🔥 🦅

anita

Dear Alessa,

Hope the baby is healthy, happy and safe. And, I hope you and yours are doing well. Dementia would fine if it was just a matter of losing memories. I could use some of that to lose some past memories that haunt me. But, Dementia also takes away the ability to think and form words. It clouds the mind. My grandmother on my mother’s side and my mother had it later in her life (mid seventies). I saw it and know there isn’t much that can be done. But, I feel it is going to happen to me. I am nearing that age. Wife doesn’t believe it. So, we don’t talk about it. That is how we handle it.

When I was younger, I liked to fix things. If a lamp stopped working then I would try to fix it. It made sense of the world. So, I learned to fix plumbing, electrical work and cars. I have fixed a few TVs and one video cassette player. Helped do some plumbing is relative’s house (putting in a new bathroom). Have done regular maintenance on my car. And replaced a couple of CV axles and alternators. Simple stuff. I don’t know what it will be like to live without being able to help fix things. Eh, don’t pity me. It is just life.

I am glad that I learned some Buddhism. Practice some meditation. And try to be a better person. I just hope Karma isn’t so harsh on me in the next lifetime. Well, too much about me. Oh, thanks for the advice. Will look into some of that. Spent lots of time on YouTube. Some on Buddhism and mostly on fixing car videos.

Hope you and yours stay well.

Tommy

Dear Tommy:

You wrote, “My grandmother on my mother’s side and my mother had it later in her life (mid-seventies). I saw it and know there isn’t much that can be done. But I feel it is going to happen to me. I am nearing that age. My wife doesn’t believe it, so we don’t talk about it.”-

I understand why this weighs on you, and I wanted to look into some scientific research on dementia rather than leave it to belief alone. Here’s what I found:

Genetic Influence on Different Types of Dementia:

* Alzheimer’s Disease → More than 99% of cases are NOT inherited.

Early-onset Alzheimer’s, which occurs before age 60, has a stronger genetic link. However, since your grandmother and mother developed it in their mid-seventies, this was not early-onset Alzheimer’s.

* Vascular Dementia → In almost all cases, parents cannot pass it directly to their children. However, hereditary health issues like high blood pressure or diabetes may increase risk.

* Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) → Has a higher genetic link than other types—about 40% of cases have a family history, meaning 60% are not hereditary.

* Rare Genetic Dementias → Some rare forms, like Familial Alzheimer’s disease (FAD), are directly inherited. However, FAD accounts for less than 5% of all Alzheimer’s cases and typically appears before age 65, often as early as the 30s or 40s—which does not match your family history.

Quotes from the Alzheimer’s Society (Source: Alzheimer’s. org. uk):

“The majority of dementia is not inherited by children and grandchildren. In rarer types of dementia, there may be a strong genetic link, but these are only a tiny proportion of overall cases.”

“In the vast majority of cases (more than 99 in 100), Alzheimer’s disease is not inherited.”

“The most important risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease is age. Because Alzheimer’s disease is so common in people in their late 70s and 80s, having a parent or grandparent with Alzheimer’s disease at this age does not change your risk compared to the rest of the population.”

This means, as I understand it, that having a grandmother and mother with dementia in their mid-70s, does not at all increase your own risk of getting dementia.

Key Strategies for Brain Health & Dementia Prevention:

* Stay Physically Active → Regular exercise supports cognitive function and lowers vascular risks (walking, swimming, cycling, strength training, balance exercises).

* Eat a Brain-Boosting Diet → Focus on a Mediterranean-style diet rich in leafy greens, berries, nuts, healthy fats (olive oil, avocado), and omega-3s (salmon, sardines) while limiting processed foods.

* Keep Your Brain Stimulated → Learning new skills, puzzles, reading, writing, and social engagement help form new neural connections.

* Get Quality Sleep → A consistent sleep schedule, limiting screen time before bed, and managing stress improve brain function.

* Manage Stress & Mental Health → Meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, therapy, and positive social interactions help regulate inflammation and memory.

* Monitor Health Conditions → High blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity increase dementia risk—regular checkups can help manage them early.

Connecting this to Alessa’s thread 🙏, developing self-compassion will help you, Tommy, not only emotionally, but mentally and physically, supporting long-term brain health and lowering further your risk of dementia.

Sending you support and encouragement 💛

Anita

Dear Tommy: I am not focused at this time, but I want to re-read your post of only a few minutes ago and respond in the morning (it’s 9:26 pm here). I wish I could help in some way, make up for making you feel bad before, something I do regret 😔

anita

Dear Tommy:

This will be a long post, but before anything else, I want you to know that there is no criticism here—only appreciation for you. I think well of you—no lingering anger or resentment, just genuine care and positive regard.

“If all the research was right then my mother should not have (dementia) nor any of her siblings. Yeah, age may be the major factor, but it isn’t the only one… My grandfather on my father’s side was balding in his forties. My father also. I too have that genetic trait. So, I can see what gets passed on.”-

Balding in men is highly hereditary. Dementia, on the other hand, is largely not hereditary. While balding has a strong genetic component, dementia is mostly shaped by non-genetic factors like diet, exercise, and brain activity—which means your future is still yours to shape.

“I dismissed my grandmother when she asked for the way home. It did not occur to me that she was having an episode. I was young and having fun with friends. She was lost for half the day. My mother spent that day looking for her. The guilt was overwhelming.” (June 2, 2025)-

I remembered that story and thought you had shared about it recently, so I started going through your posts back in time. To my surprise, it was long ago that you first shared it (and I still remembered!). It was on January 9, 2022:

“When I was about 13 years old, I saw my grandmother in the park near our apartment. She was asking which was the way home. I was busy with my friends and pointed in the general direction. Later, I got home to see my mother go out looking for my grandmother. My grandmother was lost. She had an episode of dementia and lost her memory of where we lived. I felt terrible for not having taken her home. We did eventually find her. Years later, she passed away. Now recently, my mom passed away. When I saw her in the hospital, she also developed dementia and did not recognize me. I remembered what happened years ago. And this is what I have to look forward to, losing my memory.”-

Comparing the two accounts, Tommy, it seems that you have reframed this memory over time, shaping it into a narrative of self-blame and dismissal—”I dismissed my grandmother.”

The phrase “dismissed” suggests a harsh, deliberate neglect, when in reality, your actions at 13 were simply those of a young boy caught between his carefree world and an unfolding situation he, at 13, couldn’t (and shouldn’t be expected to) fully understand.

In the original telling, you pointed her in the general direction—an act that, at face value, was not cruel or dismissive. You were a young teenager, unaware of her dementia episode, and assumed she could find her way home. Yet, over the years, your guilt has intensified, reshaping this memory into the belief that you actively dismissed her.

This shift signals a deep emotional burden, where perhaps you retroactively assigned blame to yourself as a way to make sense of your lingering regret. It’s as if your younger self’s innocence and the moment’s fleeting nature became swallowed by the enormity of what followed—her dementia, then her death, then your mother’s passing, your sister’s, and others.

I think this incident, at 13, may have marked the moment your carefree mindset fractured. At 13, children often still exist in a bubble of youthful fearlessness, where worries are few and the world feels wide open. But this singular event introduced you to a stark reality—your actions (or inactions) could have consequences you weren’t prepared for.

The memory of this day seems to have lodged itself in your psyche, not just as an isolated regret but as a turning point that led to self-doubt, fear of making mistakes, and an unbearable weight of responsibility.

It seems like your fear of dementia is tied to the losses you’ve experienced, as though fate must follow the same path. But those losses were never your fault, and your future is still yours to shape.

“I am not a good person.” (July 11, 2024) “But, I do try to be civil (not evil). Don’t always succeed. But try.” (July 4, 2024)-

But you are a good person, Tommy. And at 13, you were a good boy! That 13-year-old boy, pointing toward home, was not an evil boy—he was just a child being a child.

“I am sorry that I have no sympathy for you. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. Looks like I have lost my compassion. I can not give you a kind word.” (June 18, 2024, from your reply to a member)-

I see you projecting your inner feelings onto others. It’s as if you were talking to yourself: “I have no sympathy for you, Tommy. You are suffering due to your own actions and your own choices. I cannot give you a kind word, Tommy.”

But you deserve sympathy. You deserve kindness—especially from yourself.

“You want freedom from this obstruction? You find forgiveness. Yes, forgive. Forgive them and yourself. This doesn’t mean to just let it go. You have to find the ability in yourself to forgive. Then, pain, anger, thoughts, memories will lessen. Moving forward will happen.” (January 18, 2024, advice you offered another member)-

Just the right advice for yourself, Tommy. Forgive the 13-year-old who was playing carefree as children should. He didn’t mean anything bad—he was just a boy being a boy. And since then, you didn’t make bad things happen. You had no part in causing the illnesses and deaths of the people closest to you. It wasn’t your fault.

“The only judgment that counts is yours. Family can say whatever they want. It is your happiness that matters most.” (February 28, 2022, another piece of advice you offered another member)-

The only judgment that counts, Tommy, is your own. Your peace of mind matters most. And you deserve peace. You deserve to finally label yourself: Not Guilty.

“When younger, I used to read the Reader’s Digest. In it was a section called, ‘Laughter: The Best Medicine.’ Of all the animals on this earth, there is only one that can laugh. Humans. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. But, it does make one happy. I like to be happy.” (June 23, 2022)-

You deserve to be happy, Tommy. You do not deserve to carry guilt that was never yours to carry.

“When I was younger, I liked to fix things. If a lamp stopped working then I would try to fix it. It made sense of the world. So, I learned to fix plumbing, electrical work, and cars. I have fixed a few TVs and one video cassette player… Simple stuff. I don’t know what it will be like to live without being able to help fix things.” (June 1, 2025)-

Maybe the part of you that took on guilt long ago is waiting to be released. What if, like fixing a lamp, you could gently repair the way you see yourself?

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Your words in regard to your son are beautifully written, deeply moving, and full of truth. The way you express your thoughts carries such raw emotion, honesty, and tenderness—it’s the kind of writing that stays with people, that makes them feel something profound.

I truly hope you save this post, starting with “I worry about my son too”, somewhere, maybe in a Word document, and keep adding to it over time. One day, when your son is grown, you could put these reflections into a book for him—a collection of all the moments, thoughts, and emotions that he may not remember but shaped his life in ways he won’t even realize.

Because you’re right—he won’t remember some of these things.

He may forget the nights you sang to him to calm him down or the first time he learned to roll over or take his first steps.

He may not recall the way you taught him to swim, blow bubbles, or test if something is too warm.

The weight of carrying him for nine months, the silent sacrifices, the constant, unwavering love—these things will be invisible to him as he grows.

But one day, he will read your words, and suddenly, all the forgotten moments will come alive for him. He’ll feel the depth of your love, the care woven into every choice, the silent strength behind every difficult decision.

And about this part—’One day he’ll yell at me and curse’—I have a feeling that when he reads this years from now, he’ll smile and tell you that you were wrong. 😊

You are an exceptional mother, Alessa, and it shows in every word you write. I hope you hold onto them—not just for him, but for yourself. ❤️

Warmly, Anita