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Developing Compassion and Self-Compassion

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  • June 20, 2025 at 11:22 pm #447003
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    You say you may not understand love, but I think you understand something many people never learn: how to live beside someone with compassion, compromise, and care. That counts for more than words can say.

    There’s something about the way you speak of music and movies—the heavy heart during romance films, the resonance with love songs—that tells me you feel love in your bones, even if you don’t always call it that.

    I’m grateful to know that my note reached you. And I’ll say this again, even louder, even gentler: I like you, Tommy. I’m still on your side.

    And maybe one day, you’ll hum along to a song and realize… you’re on your side too.

    With care, Anita 🌙

    June 21, 2025 at 2:24 am #447006
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    Sorry I’ve been quiet. Got sick again. 🦠 😷

    Yes, it occurred to me recently because you mentioned it running on the female side, that women’s physiology is very different from men’s, something I learned during pregnancy.

    I don’t want to give false hope because I’m not a doctor and sometimes hope can be cruel. But perhaps it might be worth discussing with a doctor, if you haven’t already?

    I think you do know what love is. You were there with your family as they suffered. That is the most precious gift you can give someone. A lot of people don’t bother because it hurts them to witness the suffering. You bear those scars because of your love. It is truly a difficult thing to witness and you’ve been through it multiple times. It is enough to break a person. Yet here you are. Finding your way through life.

    Perhaps you find that you are a giver of love more than a receiver?

    Sometimes people have a hard time accepting love out of fear too. It is easy to fear the worst and get lost in it.

    I learned that even negative communication is an expression of love. An expression of pain, fear, unmet needs and a desire to connect. Like a beaten animal that snaps. It craves connection just the same, but trust must be built over time. A calm, quiet patience, a lack of fear of rejection. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

    Being a parent is hard work. Very little time for yourself, very little time to connect with others. And your partner is just as frazzled. It puts a strain on the relationship. It is lonely by its very nature. And children don’t truly appreciate the hard work and effort put in until they’ve had children of their own. I feel like being able to show ourselves love is a vital skill in life because often we are our own companions.

    I used to think that love is behaving in a kind way 100% of the time. But the reality of life is that people make mistakes when they are struggling. Good comes with the bad. To expect perfection is to be alone when life gets hard. Or just being extremely lucky and be the outlier that proves the rule.

    You’ve been giving a lot of great relationship advice. Keep up the good work! ❤️

    I’ve noticed that men have a harder time forgiving themselves and often just don’t. One of my Buddhist friends has learned to be at peace with his mistakes without forgiving them. I don’t know how one might go about doing this. Perhaps one of your teachers might be able to advise? Or if you would like to hear his thoughts about the subject feel free to @ Shinnen here (with no space). Maybe his account is still active and he will get an email?

    I enjoy blues and the song under the bridge by red hot chilli peppers seems fitting.

    It’s hard to believe that there’s nobody out there
    It’s hard to believe that I’m all alone
    At least I have her love, the city she loves me
    Lonely as I am, together we cry

    I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
    Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
    I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
    Take me to the place I love, take me all the way

    Take care, my friend ❤️

    June 23, 2025 at 8:16 pm #447063
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Alessa,

    Yes, being a parent is tough. I do wish you are getting the support you need to continue on. It is important to have someone take up the slack when you need a break. For me, hope is another way of clinging for an outcome. Acceptance and just living in the present as much as I can, that is the better way. Oh, everyone makes mistakes. It is the good ones that can learn from that and do better.

    I wish to thank you and Anita for your kind words. Seems like more than I deserve. And, I guess at the time I just may have needed to hear it. But, time has come for me to really move on. This is a nice place however too sweet for my taste. What is it they say? To make diamonds one must have lots of pressure. It is time to work harder on myself.

    Tommy.

    June 23, 2025 at 10:40 pm #447069
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    I can understand hope being a form of clinging for you. You have your own ways and it is important to honour them. What will happen will happen. Yes, practicing acceptance and being in the present is the best way and something that I’m trying to work on too. Do you have any tips?

    I’m British and a lot of the time in the UK, people feel uncomfortable when they receive a compliment. I don’t wish to make you feel uncomfortable. I know that when I was less comfortable with myself I felt hurt and confused I received them too.

    I can understand pressure being helpful for growth, I’m that way too. I just find that other things are helpful for growth too, not just pressure. It seems like you have an internal resistance to being treat with kindness? Perhaps it would benefit you to overcome that? To be able to accept it without feeling like you don’t deserve it?

    I found it freeing not to be repulsed by kindness. Freeing to accept myself. Because accepting the future is all well and good. Accepting yourself is a part of acceptance, is it not?

    I have been kinder to you than before because I worried that being less kind hurt you when you left before. I’m happy to relax that if it would make you more comfortable.

    I always found your perspective helpful. To be honest, I wish that I could talk to you by email, because I don’t discuss my personal life here anymore. I could really use your advise. I don’t want to pressure you though. Especially when it seems like you don’t want to talk.

    I will miss you, but I wish you luck on your journey. ❤️

    June 24, 2025 at 9:56 am #447078
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    I understand.

    Kindness can feel uncomfortable. Softness can feel risky. It can feel safer to carry guilt, regrets, and pressure inside—and to believe that you’ve done wrong and should forever suffer—because at least then, the pain makes sense. It doesn’t come from nowhere… it’s deserved.

    I get it. You’re not wrong for needing that.

    But if you ever want a quiet place to rest—no judgment, no sweetness overload—just a place to breathe and be soft, if only for a moment… that space still exists. No expectations. Just understanding.

    Wishing you steadiness on your path,

    —Anita

    June 25, 2025 at 9:43 pm #447124
    anita
    Participant

    Strange, Tommy (don’t know if you will be reading this), strange that I grew somewhat attached to you.. because you are so uniquely honest. It’s okay if you don’t post again. I want you to do what’s right for you.

    It’s just that you touched my mind/ my life. And I miss you.

    Wishing you the best, Tommy!

    Anita

    June 29, 2025 at 4:54 am #447172
    Steve
    Participant

    In my life, I’ve dealt with swinging emotions on a daily basis as a music teacher for 28 years. In any given day, I would come into contact with 600 kids and often their parents / administrators. Juggling the swinging emotions is what originally pushed me into the desire to start a meditation practice and personal development. Not only was I healing my own emotional turmoil, but I was studying the same problems in my students. It occurred to me this is simply identity crisis (wrong view in Buddhism). The one (maybe only thing) that really pushed me to see clearly was this simple aphorism: The one you are looking for is the one looking. This was the first big step for me learning the center of being for the human experience. Everyone I came in contact with at school was a reflection of me (the same me in them).

    After realizing this unity of identity in everyone, my new view then immediately healed my nature. Around the time I realized this, I was learning about the three jewels of Prajnaparamita (perfection of Wisdom) from the Diamond Sutra (Prajnaparamita Sutra). From most eastern sutras, there is a simple idea that we all suffer from the common three non-virtues (there are 10 in total).

    Wrong View (who am I)
    Wrong Nature (why do I suffer)
    Wrong Desire (caused by the first two)

    As they say, if you work on one, you fix them all (including the other 7). For me, it was identity realization, or the fact that the one I was looking for is the one looking (in everyone). This then allowed me to realize my full compassion for others and get over my own sense of identity crisis. From there, it was cultivation (synonym in Sanskrit for Meditation). The path I discovered is Meditation (Empty out), Contemplation (breath in) and Service (breath out). My new nature from watching the breath was a realization that breath is not simply air, but emotions, food, thoughts, media and so on. My real hindrance in life was that my breath was the roadblock to my nature. Once nature is fixed by identity realization, then desires change. This is the moment of Prajnaparamita, or Prajna (wisdom) Paramita (well done). The turning point in every seeker’s life.

    As they say, when the student (you) is ready, the master (also you) appears. Like music, it’s practice. For me, I gained mastery over teaching just before moving on to the next place in my life. Life has a funny way of taking away the thing you wrapped your identity around so it can give you something much better. The emptying out part is hard, but the doors it opens are what brings trust. In the end, trust is the problem.

    My favorite Rumi quote: “Live as if the universe conspires in your favor.” Because it does. From the perspective of the Tao, this is Wu Wei (effortless action). Once you realize you are not acing alone, but the entire universe of enlightened beings are assisting you, then you become fearless with trust. We are never alone. Identity is everryone using Karman (Kar (action) Man (mind)). Mental action is collective, synchronistic and connected.

    June 30, 2025 at 2:02 pm #447219
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Steve

    Thank you for sharing some of your story! ❤️

    Wow, 600 kids in a day is enough to make anyone’s head spin! Let alone for 28 years. Congratulations, I dare say you helped create more than a few musicians out there! Bring music to the world, as well as to children and making it a brighter place. ☀️

    Congratulations on the 10 books as well! If you would like to share them, I’d be happy to read. It will take me a while though because I have a toddler at home. 😊

    Oh yes, I can empathise with the experience of new chapters and shifts in identity. Not an easy thing necessarily to go through. I’m glad that you found your way through your identity crisis. ❤️

    I noticed that when I am having difficulties with people and feeling hurt, they are often feeling the same way and vice versa. It is interesting the synchronicity that people develop.

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