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Did I choose correctly?

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  • #165086
    Sassypants
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Current situation:  In a new long distance relationship for one mounth. He quite possibly might move closer in Sept. We met at a bar and it was love at first sight. We’re ten years apart. I left my of 4 years to pursue this. Why?</p>
    Past: My ex cheated on me while I was traveling.  Nothing physical but texted photo’s and terms of endearment, which i saw. As we were very compatible, we were trying to work through it but were on a break as his demanding job started. It was unfortunate the trust broken couldn’t be built before as time was too short.

    Dilemma:I wasn’t planning on leaving my ex but life surprised me with this love so strong and quick pace.  I had to follow it.  I feel awful i broke my ex’s heart,  he won’t talk to me.  When i told him about the new guy,  he proceeded to tell me he was fling to propose.  He also was injured in the job and i care about him, that’s why i reach out.  I guess I’m just hoping i made the right choice in following my heart. Life is tricky.

     

     

    #165092
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    I love how guys can practically cheat on you, and then are genuinely surprised when you find another guy.

    Of course he suddenly brings up a potential proposal! Add his injured bird status, and you have two reasons to stay!

    Maybe if he were loyal in his heart, had already proposed I could see why you’d feel guilty. But please don’t stay because you feel sorry for him (injured on the job) and for some future carrot and stick proposal.

    I say, the lad had his chance.

    Move On!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    #165412
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Inky,

    I wake up sometimes doubting myself and my choice. Did i throw something great away? I feel like the person who threw it away rather than fix it, that’s what do many failed couples do today.  I just hope i chose correctly.  I was eith the old guy for 4 years.  I’m 35, just don’t want to waste time.

     

     

    #165432
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sassypants:

    You had a four year relationship that ended because he sent photos and terms of endearment to another woman and started a demanding job that made working on the broken trust difficult or impossible, and because you fell in love at first sight a month ago with a man you met at a bar. You are 35 and you don’t want to waste time. You wonder if the choice to end the four year relationship was the correct choice for you.

    Question for you: how did your four year boyfriend react when you discovered the photos and term of endearment to the other woman? What did he say/ how did he explain it?

    anita

    #165436
    Sassypants
    Participant

    He was very apologetic and said he lost sight of what he had. He was so sad.  He also said he would regret this the rest of his life if we didn’t end up together.  We were going to work on it but then i met this new person who rocked my world.  Just very wishy washy on my choice. Dreamed of my ex, maybe just mourning  as i really haven’t. I’ve also reached out to him to check on his health and he ignores me. 

     

    #165444
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sassypants:

    Your ex boyfriend told you that “he would regret this the rest of his life if (you) didn’t end up together”- why or how is it that he ignoring you now, do you think?

    Also, if you’d like to elaborate on how your present, very new boyfriend “rocked (your) world, please do.

    anita

    #165450
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    I would take things slow with this new man. I don’t really believe “in love at first sight”. Love takes time to develop. I do believe in “infatuation” at first sight. This can lead to moving things very fast and intensely, and it works for about three months or so, and eventually fizzles out. This is because there is no foundation. It’s like a house being built with no foundation. As soon as a strong wind blows the house blows over. Same as infatuation and intense feelings and things moving so quickly. There is no foundation built first such as friendship. The feelings you both developed were so consuming, you don’t know if you liked each other as friends first. So, if something were to go awry, nothing to fall back on (a foundation) such as friendship and mutual caring and respect. Infatuation and lust will not last over the long hall.

    I have met many men in a bar, and thought it was “love at first sight” only to see them at another bar with another woman. Usually men who go to bars, enjoy being single and hanging out with their friends and dancing with women or buying them drinks, many are not really ready to settle down. I’m not saying this can’t work, just take things slow. Keep us posted.

    #165454
    Sassypants
    Participant

    I think he is hurt, that’s why he isn’t responding. He really thought we were going to work through this. I did too until…

    As far as the new bf, I know there is the initial “falling phase” that fizzles, but he is handsome, funny, exciting and unconventional, which I need. He keeps me on my toes. The only side that worries me is that he’s not financially stable as he is younger than me. I have expressed this to him. Also, my sister made a comment too; that I told her about him, which I usually don’t do.

    I am taking things slow with him as a foundation is very important. We have a lot in common and have a blast together. We are doing a long distance and he may move near by. I don’t think it will fizzle. I was honest with him too and told him about my ex and how I chose to see “us” through.

     

     

     

    #165470
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sassypants:

    It reads to me that you are intensely invested, emotionally, in this new man in your life. What you had with the ex boyfriend doesn’t seem to compete with the emotional draw to this new man. You asked of you chose correctly: no one can predict the future, I believe. Some time in the future, looking back, you may be thinking: “If I chose X, the results would be better”- maybe. Thing is, such thinking is futile because we don’t live in two parallel worlds where you can choose X in one world and Y on the other.

    There are too many factors, many are random, that happen after you choose X. You cannot predict those factors, and therefore your choice cannot be evaluated as right or wrong based on future results.

    The only factors that are wise to consider is the nature of the man you are involved with. If he is honest, open and honest with you, if what he values is compatible with what you value, if he is consistent, dependable, reliable, then he is not a wrong choice.

    anita

    #165822
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    I am excited for you, but what is concerning and something to think about is it is a long distance relationship, and usually they do not survive, no matter how exciting it may be. You also state in your post he “may” move closer, which is vague. Did he say he was definitely going to move closer and when? It so where is he going to move? Get a job, etc? You also mentioned, he is not very financially secure. Someone needs to be finally secure to move, for first and last months rent, moving expenses, gas, furniture, it may take him awhile to find a job, without having the financial means, how is he to support himself? What are your thoughts?

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